Pruning

Photo Courtesy of this link

These last few months have been a season of "pruning."  I don't know why I continue to be amazed that whenever I try to really surrender, to really remove from myself everything that is not pleasing to or of God, that God does nothing less than swoop in and start pruning.  Like a master gardener finally given access to an over-grown garden and a pair of pruning shears, He takes to my soul and therefore the rest of my life, with gusto.  Its also amazing (though it shouldn't be) that even what could be seen as the smallest of things take on the greatest significance when being pruned by the Master. Equally amazing is how I seem to fail so miserably at just letting myself be molded. Letting myself be the overgrown shrub in need of attention. I suppose this is where humility comes in.  In a way this is also one of the many things God was teaching me. Its easy to want to be the rosebush. To want to be the prize of the garden show.  (Is the metaphor getting tiresome yet?)  But God isn't asking us to be those things. "Be perfect, just as our Heavenly Father is perfect" doesn't imply that we have already achieved perfection.  It implies that we have to strive for it.  Christ didn't come for the perfect people.  He came for you and me and the rest of sinful humanity.  That's why we need to be pruned.

With Lent upon us I can't help but be thankful for this unexpected but much needed season of refining.  It reminds me that Lent isn't about what we are giving up.  Its about making room for what we have to gain.  Lent is about de-cluttering ourselves so we have room for Christ to dwell within us more deeply, more fully, more freely.  Mortifications, sacrifices, they are supposed to be making room for Him.  This isn't a loss.  This is an immeasurable gain.  "For my yoke is easy and my burden light."  These words are ever true, even if they present a paradox.  Have you ever felt this lightness? This easy yoke?  Anyone even tacitly striving for holiness knows that following Our Lord is not easy.  Yet, when He asks us to do the seemingly impossible and we Trust Him enough to follow, the resulting lightness of spirit, the interior joy that follows is without words. The absolute peace that dwells within - peace that cannot be shaken by external storms or events.  It is not Christ who piles on the heavy burdens. We do that to ourselves when we do not make enough room for Christ to carry those burdens with us.
Imagine a long wooden beam across your shoulders.  You are carrying it - heavy, weighed down.  Next to you on either side are all the things you are attached to, all the things that clutter up your life: unhealthy relationships, mass media, love of money, greed, vanity, gossip, idleness, pride, laziness, a desire to have "things" you don't really need, compulsions, tendencies towards uncharitable words or thoughts...the list goes on.  You're surrounded!  Now, what if you were to start to remove some of these walking companions?  What if you were to purge from your life unhealthy relationships? Vain attachments? Laziness?  As these things begin to fall away from you, you suddenly have more room next to you.  Who do you think steps in to help carry your load?  The Master.

But you are still dragging along with you some of those clinging attachments, some of those disordered tendencies.  Christ can only carry the edge of the beam and it still feels a bit heavy.  What to do?  Yes, detach yourself some more.  The more you are able to detach yourself from the things of this world the more room you make for Christ to come in and take your burden, until you and He are so close that you can't even feel the weight of the beam anymore.  The beam is still there, but you are no longer carrying the weight of it; because you have made room for The Master.

This is what Lent does for us.  It is what seasons of pruning do for us.  It is what we are called to over and over again.  Living a life fixed on Heaven is living a life of perseverance. We must constantly allow ourselves to be worked on, to be pruned.  Constantly checking those "walking companions" and making sure we make room for the Only Companion that matters.

I leave you with these musings on the eve of Shrove Tuesday as we all prepare for a season of expectant sacrifice.  I pray that you will enter this Lent with the thought of what it is you are about to gain, and not what you are about lose.

And as an aside, thank you for reading.  Writing helps me to make sense of things. It helps me to process and to articulate what my heart is trying to tell my head.  It humbles me that others would want to read these bumbling attempts of mine to articulate the awesomeness of the love of our God and the privilege that it is to serve Him.

Peace!

Pope Francis is Not Marxist: A Response to Response to Rush

I don't often post links here, however, I wrote about Rush Limbaugh accusing Pope Francis of being a Marxist on my other blog, so I wanted to give you fine readers and followers the chance to read it.

So here is the link to "A Response to Rush Limbaugh."  Or, in other words, "Why Pope Francis is NOT a Marxist.

Enjoy!

My Amazing, Crazy, Unpredictable, Blessed Life

It occurred to me that many of my posts have been about the crosses and sufferings that God has seen fit to send me.  I want you, happy reader, to get a fuller picture.  Yes, I have had what some would call "great suffering."  Yes, I have lost four babies, and buried two of them.  Yes I almost died.  Yes we have had our share of hard times, "for worses" and difficulties. Yes we are often times scraping bottom and relying on God to provide for us.  But there is SO much more.

My life is amazing.

I am extremely blessed to have no regrets.  OK, that's not entirely true.  I have one regret.  When I was to attend the Marine Corps Ball my dad and brother dropped me off.  They wanted to see the Marines.  I was in a silly state of mind - nervous and excited - and I did not pay attention to them.  I didn't realize that they were going to come into the hotel where the ball was held, and I went in ahead of them.  Then when I realized they were there and looking for me, I was already inside and being swept along into the ballroom.  I feel as though I ignored them and hope that I did not hurt my dad's feelings.  The thought of hurting his feelings makes me want to cry.

That's it. That's my regret.  Seriously. I have lived on this earth for about 30 years and I have one regret.

I have often made decisions that have bewildered friends and family.  Sometimes they didn't seem to make sense.  But I do not regret them. Quite the contrary.  I have lived my life - my whole life - as far back as I can remember - with the conviction that God loved me so much that He would show me how to live and what He made me for.  So when I felt He was leading me, I went.  No I ran. And I never looked back.  I prayed my way through school, through college, and into my vocation.  When I wasn't sure what God was asking of me I asked and asked and asked until I was certain.  Then I did it.  
Living like this didn't always make "sense" but to me it has never mattered. God points, I go.  And its an adventure!

I am so blessed to be able to to say that in living for Him and following Him, I have had the privilege of not only serving, but also living with women who faced a pregnancy crisis and their babies.  I have run retreats, and workshops in different states and Canada.  I have met members of the Curia, three, four and five star Generals and the Commandant of the Marine Corps.

I have given talks and speeches. Wined, dined, and rubbed elbows with Congressman and Senators and Governors.  I have ridden freight elevators with Presidential Candidates, have contacts in Government agencies, influenced the political process, drafted legislation, met and worked with amazing, dedicated people from across the country, and across the Atlantic.  I have become a respected Conservative Political Consultant, with a modest name ID.

I have been in the presence of Blessed John Paul II not once, but twice, stood in the Portiuncula in Assisi, and in the catacombs of Rome.  I have met priests and bishops from across the continent, and sisters from around the world.  I have had the ear of Bishops, the friendship of Theologians.  I have dined and relaxed with actors and actresses, celebrities, and celebrated personalities in the Pro-Life world.  I have been honored with recognition and thanks.

I have a husband who is in so many ways my hero.  He has overcome so very much, and is working so hard to be the man God created him to be.  It is a wild and crazy and blessed privileged to be along on the journey.

I have had four amazing, natural, midwife attended births - one of them at home.  I am proud of my femininity and my ability to  nurture New Life. I have 4 beautiful, wonderful, smart and confident children on earth.  I am able to homeschool them and watch them grow.  I have four darling intercessors in Heaven, my little ones who went Home to stretch our family into Eternity.  It is an honor to be the mother of saints.

I have traveled to the Caribbean, to Europe, and to Canada.  I have seen beauty in the mountains  the oceans, and the farmland.  I see God's artwork in the sky.  I have witnessed miracles and seen God's healing first hand.

I have the most incredible family and friends.

None of this I asked for.  None of it I sought.  It is purely and simply the result of following God, one leap of faith after another, where He would have me go and doing what He would have me do.

This life isn't easy. You've probably read enough of my posts to know that its sure has had its crosses and sufferings.  But it is still amazing.  Without the crosses and sufferings, I wouldn't be who I am today, nor would I have the relationship with Christ that I do today.  Following Him is an adventure - full of twists and turns and surprises.  It is not always easy, sometimes it hurts, but its always amazing, crazy, unpredictable, and blessed.

Lolek's Friends

As promised! I want to introduce you to these amazing women!

It has taken me a little longer to post than I would have liked, but sick children demanded my attention!

Now that all are healthy again, I want to take some time and introduce you to the ladies who have become my "Virginia Family."  You already met my doula-bestie-extraordinaire, but I absolutely MUST tell you about the rest of the "family!"

After Lolek was born and I was rushed to the hospital, Doula - Bestie -Extraor... wait, how about we use DBE?  OK, so she put out the word on Facebook and phone for prayers.  Immediately and unbeknownst to me, ladies started praying and organizing.  One, we shall call her Fortitude, even came over and checked on the house, made sure Lolek's body was OK (his body needed to be kept on a wet towel in his special box  in the refrigerator.)  Well, they were preparing to bring meals and to help prepare for Lolek's burial when I ended up BACK in the hospital with the PE and Pneumonia.  That's when "Lolek's Friends" was really born.

As I was getting hooked up to heart monitors and being told to not move, my poor shell-shocked husband was left juggling children, and home, and cleaning up the incredible mess almost dying makes.  (who knew?!)  He was sleep deprived, worried, and all of a sudden Mr. Mom.  So DBE started a thread on Facebook. It included friends - some of whom I hadn't met yet - some from out of state, and  my mom and mother in law.  These ladies got to work.  DBE would visit me in the hospital and post updates.  They used a meal planning website and organized meals for a MONTH for my family.  Dear Hubby was so relieved to not have to cook while I was in the hospital, and I couldn't cook once I was out.  They took turns coming to visit and brought me yarn and gummi bears (all I could stomach eating for a while).  They prayed with me, they prayed for me, and then they cleaned my house!!  Once I was home, one dear "sister" whom we shall call Battwoman (dont ask) drove down from upstate New York with her 3 children and baby to help us out for a week!! Talk about love!

Lolek's burial was approaching, and I was back in the hospital.  We wanted to celebrate his short life.  My family was driving in, and I KNEW my house must have been a disaster.  Poor Hubby could only juggle so much, on top of grieving for his baby son, and worrying about me.  Never fear!  One night, I am told, women and husbands, kids and acquaintances, descended on my home.  They deep cleaned, scrubbed, bagged clothes, organized closets, switched the seasons for the kids' clothes, cleaned out the fridge, nuked my bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, decluttered - my husband said he was in awe.  Some of them he had never met before, yet here they were, completely cleaning our house, bringing us meals, watching the kids so he could come visit me.  I felt so very loved!  I felt taken care of!  I was so very humbled.

 Most of them attended Lolek's burial.  The photos that one of the ladies took - she should be a professional photographer and we shall call her Jules.  She is from across the street and our kids are friends - the photos showed so many people! So many children! There were about 20 children at Lolek's burial!  Just children! Sitting in the hospital, looking at the photographs I was filled with such gratitude.  What a blessing these ladies and their families are!

Soon a facebook group was formed where we could expand and pray and help not just ME but each other.  It was suggested that we name it "Lolek's Friends" because he was the person who brought us all together.  I cried.  How beautiful! My little Lolek had a purpose!

I pray for his intercession daily, and I know others who do too.  They have told me he is strong intercessor.  One of the ladies, we shall call her Patience, wrote a Litany to Lolek Pio.  I have included it at the end of this post.

If only we knew at the time how much we would need each other for support and prayer and help.  Each lady, I don't think there were any exceptions, had a cross to bear this last year that required the support and the prayers and the assistance of all of us.  We aren't talking small things here either, we're talking big, scary, life changing, and painful things.  Its as if God used Lolek's death and my health crisis to bring us together because He, in His Wisdom, knew we ALL would need it.

I am so thankful to Him and so thankful for these ladies!  Just this last week I got a call from "Fortitude" who took it upon herself to order a headstone for Lolek to let me know it was in.  She knew it was heavy on my heart and God gave her some special Graces that prompted her to order a stone for him.  I can't tell you how incredibly happy it made me.  I wasn't able to be there for his burial but can now be there for the stone to be set, and then Lolek's Friends can celebrate not only his life, but the comfort and joy and strength that he allows us to give each other.

Before closing, I would like to call your attention to Healer in Your Heart . Vanessa or "Patience" is one of Lolek's Friends.  Last December her husband was diagnosed with a Grade 3 Mixed Brain Tumor.  Some of Lolek's Friends have formed Team McArthur and we are working and fundraising to help the family through this time.  Please take a look at the website and offer your prayers and support.

Vanessa is also the Friend who wrote the Litany of St. Lolek Pio, which I pray daily for these ladies, their intentions, and their families.

Litany of St. Lolek Ricketts

By Vanessa McArthur

Lord, have mercy... Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy... Christ, have mercy
Lord, have mercy... Lord, have mercy

Perfect gift... pray for us
Intention of God... pray for us
Consecrated by God... pray for us
Perfectly formed... pray for us
Fearfully made... pray for us
Fruit of the womb... pray for us
Knitted in the womb... pray for us
Welcomed gift... pray for us
Answer to a petition... pray for us
Fullfillment of a request... pray for us
Arrow in a quiver... pray for us
Gracious blessing... pray for us
Heritage from the Lord... pray for us
Gift from the Lord... pray for us
Dweller of Heaven... pray for us
Saved by Christ's mercy... pray for us
Called from the womb... pray for us
Called by name... pray for us
Baby Green Chocolate... pray for us

Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us

Let us pray.
Almighty God, in your infinite wisdom and love you brought Lolek Ricketts into the lives of his parents, siblings, and friends. You chose him to be a beacon of hope and light to all who longed to meet him, and used his spirit to bring together a group of faithful friends. As we pray for each other on earth, may we have the help of his intercession in heaven. We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Musings on TV, Mom Guilt and Grossness

The other day was my daughter's annual check-up.  In the course of the visit her pediatrician was asking the normal questions and I was answering.  (Can I take a minute to say that I LOVE our pediatrician?  That is saying a LOT since I generally don't get along with any doctors and am one of "those" patients/moms who is educated and outspoken when it comes to medicine and health).  So in between the doc's good natured ribbing of my usual refusal to vaccinate and my telling him of my reasons for going mostly Paleo with the kids' diets he asks, "How much TV do your kids watch?" I blinked at him.  "We don't have a TV," I responded," but occasionally I allow them to watch a DVD on the computer or a show on Netflix."  He got a big grin on his face and held out his hand for a high-five.  "Put 'er there," he said as I slapped his hand, "Excellent!"
We wrapped up the appointment with a clean bill of health and his promise to look over the latest info on the connection between vaccines and gut damage and I happily announced that we would see him in a week for the boys' check-ups.  (Did I mention that I love this guy?)

"Mommy, why did he ask if we have a TV?"

"Well because TV isn't really good for children."

"Oh."

This got me thinking.

Later in the week I was talking with a friend who asked if I ever let my kids watch TV.  I responded the same way I did to my pediatrician.  "But," she persisted, "do you ever let them watch too much?"

This got me thinking some more.

During the Olympics we saw some of the games on my inlaw's TV while we were visiting.  It was fun to watch the athletes and to see America excel.  It was NOT fun to see the commercials for NBC's new show The New Normal. (http://www.nbc.com/the-new-normal/). A show about a gay couple who use a surrogate to gestate the baby they plan to adopt, despite the objection of the surrogate's "uptight, conservative (read "Republican") mother."

More thinking.

I decided to check out the new mini-drama Political Minds and the series Downton Abbey as I had heard good things about both and since I have an interest in politics, and I love a good English Period piece.  I was enjoying both of them until the somewhat unexpected "love scenes" between what turned out to be the closeted (and not so closeted) gay characters.

Much more thinking.

I consider myself to be a tolerant person.  I don't judge, and quite frankly, I don't care if you wish to label yourself according to your sexual orientation.  I prefer to be friends with someone based on WHO they are not WHAT they do in their private moments.  This being the case, I am friends with individuals who claim a different orientation than I do, and I am grateful for their friendship, and glad they are part of my life.  I do however have to tell you that when I see two men making out I have what others would call a "negative reaction.".  Sorry if that offends you, but its the Truth.  I literally have to look away.  Its not the people who disgust me.  Its the action.  Let's be clear on that before I start getting called ridiculous names.

So what does all this have to do with TV?  Well, the reason we decided to not have one was two fold.  The first reason being that there is so much sexualized junk that it didn't seem worth the bill.  The second was because we didn't want our children to grow up in front of the television.  After reading so much about how detrimental it is to a child's brain development it just didn't seem worth it to me.  That's where the mom-guilt comes in. You see, I DO sometimes allow the kids to watch too much on the computer.  "Screen time" is what we call it.  Whether its my son watching things on Netflix from the Discovery Channel or my daughter watching "Queen Esther" I do let them see too much screen sometimes.  And I feel guilty about it.  I especially feel guilty about it when I am dealing with a large amount of stress - like recovering from hospitalization or recovering from severe anemia (which exhausts me completely) or trying to deal with a family crisis.  These are the times when, yes, I admit it, the screen becomes a babysitter.  After they have read through all their books, colored all they can color, played all the games that we can think of, when I need to deal with everything else life is throwing at me without a child hanging on my leg, the screen becomes a lifeboat.  There. I admitted it.  I feel guilty as heck, but I suspect that I am not alone in this guilt-ridden admission.

Now, my kids are all over the age of three, which is a magic age as far as screens go.  Before reaching the age of 2 1/2 I really do keep the kids from the screen....well, except for that one time.....  and the time before that.... humpf.  Bad Mommy.  More guilt.

As I wallow in my self-imposed, guilt-laced thoughts, it occurs to me that at least not having a TV has kept my kids from the other reason we decided to not have a television: content.  On the computer I have a filter and parental controls set as strict as they can get.  My kids cant even access a search engine.  Sorry, Google, my children don't use you.  This coupled with the fact that if they are viewing a screen I am IN the room with them means that the content they view is going to be safe and under Mommy's control.  In my opinion, especially as my kids get older, THIS becomes more important than having a little too much screen time occasionally.

If we had a TV I would have NO control over content.  Sure I could monitor the programming, but commercials?  They are a wild card - and from what I have seen and heard, they are getting wilder.  If my experience with the new push to mainstream the homosexual lifestyle is any indication, TV programs are just going to get more and more deviant, and push the envelope.  This is sadly calculated.  TV, media, and movies have always been used to advance a social agenda.  They are used to desensitize and normalize lifestyle choices that are not yet mainstream but that are well on their way.  Its the media version of cramming a cultural change down our collective throats.  This, to me, is disingenuous at best, and down right disgusting at worst.  And I won't participate.

Do you know why I have such a strong reaction to two men grasping and clawing and kissing each other?  Because I am NOT desensitized and I am having a NATURAL reaction to an unnatural act.  (To be fair, if there was a scene between a man and woman and same types of behavior were displayed I would be equally as mortified because I am not desensitized to the types of intimate displays that belong in a married couple's bedroom and are meant to be shared ONLY between the two people - not an audience). THIS is what I want for my children.  I WANT them to be sensitive to inappropriate sexual displays, to violence, to evil, to meanness, to ugliness.  (Real ugliness, not superficial - see this post for an explanation).

If we are raising children to see with the eyes of Christ than we cannot allow them to be desensitized to things that ought to repulse them.  This is sadly the agenda of far too much media programming.  It makes our job as parents difficult and unpopular at times.

I remember growing up that I wasn't allowed to view many (OK, ALL) of the TV shows that my peers were.  I realize now that my parents were being wise and prudent.  Thank God I respected them and heeded their rules.  I have a good understanding of right and wrong, good and bad, and a solid command of social issues that would have been confused had I indulged my young and immature mind by consuming the confusing messages of the pop-culture programs.  I must now do the same for my kids.  Hopefully someday they too will understand!

Ramblings about Faith, Poverty, Politics, and the Will of God

I am sick of politics.

As many of you know I have been heavily involved in politics for almost 2 years now.  I worked on 2 Presidential Campaigns and helped to start a Consulting and Web-based Campaign Solutions Company that is now operating in almost all 50 states.  In short, I climbed the political power ladder fast.  But I'm sick of it.  Politics, at this point, does nothing to excite me and even angers me.  i am so disenchanted with the ideologies and polarization.  I'm not liberal.  Heck, I'm not even Conservative.  I'm CATHOLIC!

You see, I never WANTED to be in a position of influence.  I had no aspirations of riding in freight elevators and walking through the maze of a hotel kitchen on the way to an event with a Presidential Front-Runner.  (Although I WILL admit, that stuff was pretty fun - like living out a scene from The West Wing).  I began my foray into politics simply because I was scared for the future of my children and I wanted to do something about it.  I started out just tweeting (yes, I tweet - follow me @DOHK!)  in support of a candidate and then one thing led to another and before I knew it I was helping with policy and message, organizing volunteers on a National scale and running the State of Virginia for the campaign with 11,000 volunteers waiting for my direction!  Yikes! That's a long way from the Twitterverse!!  Then that candidate left the race and I began to work for the next front-runner.  That was a National role!  Double yikes!

Now here I am working on the company that was the brainchild of the collective experience of some of us who worked together through the two campaigns, talking to Senators and Congressman, Governors and Campaign Staffers and I am feeling as though its time for me to move on.

But move on to where?

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my coworkers.  I have made some amazing friendships with some Faith-filled people across this nation and for that I am so thankful.  I have had experiences I never could have thought up in my imagination and learned a lot of valuable lessons about myself.

The most valuable lesson I have learned is that despite it all, I am still "Mommy."

For almost 2 years I have been juggling homeschooling, the house, the job, the campaigning, and my marriage.  That is a lot of juggling.  Throw in there that in November I suffered some very serious health problems that almost left my kids without their Mommy and well...... it may be time to simplify!  Yet I feel a very deep obligation to my fellow political types who prayed me through my illness and offered me their friendship, their support, their time and even their financial help at times.  So if I cut this tie, it will sting.

Still this has been growing on my heart.  I find myself seeing more and more reasons why I need to be moving on and leaving all I have set in motion in other (probably more!) capable hands.

I hear it in my son's voice, "Do you have to have another conference call? Now?"

in my daughter's voice, "Why cant we spend more time on the computer - you do, even if its for work."

in my three year old's voice, "Mommy can't do a fun thing now because she has to work."

Some women can do it.  I managed it for 2 years.  But now that the work I am doing is no longer flexible and cant be confined to naptimes and after bedtimes, my kids feel the difference and that simply can't be.

So in my heart I think I know what I must do.  Now I have to make my head listen.

God decided to throw me some help in the form of a very powerful book called "Happy are You Poor."  (yep that's us alright!) by Thomas DuBay.  Wow.  Just Wow.

I will caution you - if you read this book with an attitude of prayer your life will never be the same. It can't be.  It will cause you to examine EVERYTHING in a completely different context.  The context of the pure, unadulterated Gospel Truth that has been sadly watered down - so much so that we (even us uber-catechized) Catholics have never considered it.

The book deals with Evangelical Radical Poverty.  Now you see why so many of us have never considered it?  Radical Evangelistic Poverty?  I am sure most of you have never heard of it outside the stories of St. Francis. St. Phillip Neri and the Cure d'Ars. ( I know I hadn't!)  But it is a Gospel Calling - for ALL Christians.

This book can be ordered Here

My husband and I have been pouring over the pages and deciding what we need to change in our lives so that we can live this Gospel calling.  Of course this led me to once again consider my position in politics.

I have been saying for a while now that we need to change the Culture here in America if our Nation is going to survive as Founded.  I had hoped that I could help bring that about through my political work.  That is one of the reasons  I stuck with it for so long.  Now, however, I have a completely different perspective.  Oh yes, America needs a complete cultural re-vamp, but its not going to come through politics.  Nor will it come through legislation. It going to be from the inside out.

I am completely convinced that it will happen when we Catholics learn how to live our Faith radically - ALL aspects of it - and through living it, we will encourage change.  (Thats why the Radical Poverty that Christ calls us to is called "Evangelical.")

So that is my goal.  The problem is where to start!  I have so much on my heart that I would like to do, and thanks to my political work a lot of skills that I bring to the table.  I have a heart for ministry, and a knack for writing, speaking, running things, organizing and social media.  What do I do with all that!?

I have some pretty wild, big ideas about how to really begin living this Evangelistic Poverty and what sort of Ministry I would like to do.  Perhaps I will share those in another post.

For now, though, I think its starts with getting back to basics.  Making sure that life is centered on Christ.  Asking God the Father for guidance, and being open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  It starts with returning to being "just Mommy" and taking off some of the extra hats.  It starts with reading an extra bedtime story to my kids and having a few days go by before any of us pick up a laptop or look at a screen.  It begins with prayer.  It begins with making the changes that my husband I feel are necessary to live Gospel Poverty.  Sitting in Adoration, and teaching my children that we are Pilgrims on this earth, traveling to our real Home.   Then slowly the rest will become clear and we will see what amazing adventure God has in store for us next!

Marriage on Fire

I am sitting on the floor in front of our wood burning stove enjoying the warmth.  Its a cold, wet day and the house has a chill.  We heat our home with the wood stove, and so sitting here I am getting the first of the warmth that is sure to spread throughout the house.  My husband has been working odd hours for a few years now and so the bulk of the fire duty falls to me.  At first this was exciting.  I would trample through the snow and wind to the wood pile, gathering an armful and then trudge back to house, convinced I would have made a great pioneer or first settler.  Then I'd build a great fire and be pleased with my pyromania prowess.  But sometimes its not that easy to get a roaring fire going.  I think of these things as I stare at the flames.  This fire stove always gives me something to ponder.

Tonight it has me musing on marriage.

Marriage is a lot like this fire. 

To get the fire burning strong, it takes a lot of tending.  It takes care and attention.  So does a strong marriage. 

The fire won't build itself, and left too long alone it will burn itself out.  So will a marriage.

Sometimes just one piece of wet wood, or rotted log can ruin a strong burn.  Similarly, resentment and misunderstandings can rot a marriage, ruining its flame.

I have noticed that when the wood is wet, when its not perfect, when it hasn't been seasoned, the fire needs MORE tending and MORE attention.  This is true for marriage.  When you hit the "for worse" (and everyone does)  this is when you need to work even harder on your marriage.  Its when you tend to each other and each other's needs even more.  Its the only way to grow strong again - my fire taught me that.

Sometimes I am fooled when I look at the blaze in the stove. It seems so strong and so steady.  So I ignore it.  I get distracted, and assume its OK.  Soon it is barely a smoldering pile of ash, and it takes even more work to build it back up again.  So too with marriage.  We have a tendency to take our spouse and our marriage for granted when things are going well, when we feel strong.  But this allows for inattention and inattentiveness.  Before long, we are in a bad place and our marriage needs even more work than it did before. 

Don't let the flames go out! 

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Sometimes despite my best efforts, the fire is slow to catch and difficult to burn.  But I tend to it anyway.  I can't give up!  My family relies on the heat from the fire!  I can't let them freeze and I can't let them down!  Marriage isn't always a fairy tale.  In fact it hardly ever is.  Instead some marriages are difficult.  They require extra tending and care, and sometimes despite the best efforts of one or both spouses, the marriage is slow to grow strong.  Don't give up!  Just as my difficult, slow to burn fire will eventually become a strong blaze, so will a marriage that is difficult - with enough work, enough patience and tending. 

Some things will put out a fire immediately.  Throw water on a fire of any size and it will go out,  The wet ash will also make it impossible to start a new one.  The old, wet ash must be shoveled out and a new fire started.  Some things are like water to flame in a marriage:  infidelity, bitterness, total neglect, and disrespect will put out the flames completely.  A marriage dampened under one of these will take a lot of time and care to rebuild.  A lot of "shoveling" and soul searching and trust building has to take place first.   But just as a fire can be rebuilt, so can a marriage. 

I stare at the fire.  It is burning well now.  A solid, strong, steady burn.   I could keep this fire burning for days, weeks, even years if I give it the right amount of attention, the right amount of patience and the right amount of tending. Despite the setbacks, the damp wood, the distractions and the wrong assumptions I might make about this blaze, I can see that what it needs is perseverance, patience, care, and attention to keep burning.  Very much like a marriage.....



**This post is dedicated to my cousins, Caitlin Cardona and Kimberly Sharkey, who are both preparing to start "fires" of their own. <3 **

Lent and Little Ones

Its just me and the little man.  Awake. At 12:14am.  So I guess Lent has officially started.  Since I am awake and musing about what the next 40 days have in store I thought I would muse out loud, well, in cyberprint anyway! 

The kids and I had a few chances to talk about Lent and what its all about today as we ran our errands.  I am excited that the older two are old enough to remember "traditions."  For instance when I reminded them that today was "Fat Tuesday" (Mardi Gras) and the day before Ash Wednesday, my 6 year old immediately got out the "sacrifice jar."  "Mommy, we have to get the rocks!"  He is talking about the small driveway rocks (we have used dried large beans too) that we keep in a big bowl next to the sacrifice jar.  Every time one of the kids makes a sacrifice they get to put a rock in the jar.  On Easter Sunday when they wake up, the jar will be empty of the rocks and full of jelly beans.  Its a great visual reminder of sacrifice and redemption - how God takes our sacrifices, that don't feel good - like rocks - and He turns them into beautiful prayers which obtain Grace, which is good -  sort of like jelly beans - for us! 

The kids also reminded me that we need to make this year's Stations of the Cross.  Every year I print out coloring pages of the Stations.  The kids each get a few to color and then we cut and paste them onto construction paper.  Every night of Lent we pray the Stations together, with the kids taking turns leading.  Its fun to see how their coloring, and their interpretations, change every year.  (I am sure "Punch-less Pilot" will "fly his plane" into Jerusalem again this year, and maybe he will "take martial arts lessons to learn how to punch!")

A big change this is year is that the kids are all (well except for Noah) old enough to give up something and understand why its a good thing to do.   They collectively decided to give up watching "shows." (We don't have a TV but they do have some shows they are allowed to watch on Netflix and on DVDs on the computer).  I am very proud of this Lenten endeavor, and also believe it will greatly benefit them.  I promised that we would make more library trips as a way to ease them into the idea of making this sacrifice.  What is more important to me, though, is that they understand WHY we give things up.   Once again, by explaining it to my kids, I have gotten a glimpse into the pure simplicity and total SENSE that our Faith makes. 

At dinner (pancakes with lots of toppings!) I asked them to tell their Daddy what they were doing for Lent.  They proudly announced they were giving up "shows."  "Why?"  I pressed them.  The older two explained, "Because when we give up things we like its a sacrifice, and giving things up shows God that we love Him more than we love things."  "What else?"  I asked.  "And it also trains our souls and minds to be able to say no, so when there is something bad we have to say no to, we can! "  "Yeah!  It makes a good habit in our souls and minds!"

 I beamed.

See, its not enough if my kids go through the motions but don't grasp the why . Its the why that makes all the difference.  Its the difference between "because Mommy says so" and them wanting to do something because they love God and know He loves them.  That's what Lent comes down to for all of us.  Do we go through the motions or do we seek to allow God to love us?  By removing distractions and bad habits, by practicing penance and abstinence we are opening ourselves more to His Love.  We remove those things in ourselves that prevent His love from reaching us, and that prevent us from even noticing that He loves us.  THAT is what Lent is for - it prepares us for that scandalous, wondrous, LOVE affair called Easter. 

Maybe my kids don't yet grasp the Scandal of the Cross.  Maybe they don't fully understand the utter agony Christ suffered on our behalf.  But they ARE aware of His love for them.  They DO know that something awesome happened on Easter (and it doesn't have to do with a bunny, although I am sure he is coming again this year).  As they get older they will understand more fully, and we will make new traditions.  For now though, I am happy that as we embark on these 40 days, my little ones will be giving it their all and trying their best to fill up that Sacrifice Jar! 

Its not always easy to be on the ball looking for the teachable moments and taking the opportunities to show them God's Love.  But these days, when their characters and consciences are forming, when they are developing habits for the Liturgical Year, are too important to waste.  All too soon they will be grown and have their own Lenten Traditions.  So until then I will be happy to hear more about "Punch-less Pilot" and hear my 4  year old imitate the "weeping women of Jerusalem"  (apparently they say "weep weep weep weep").  And I will secretly watch as they raise their stuffed animals from the dead and crucify half naked G.I Joes.  They are "getting it" and more importantly, in their own way, they are opening their hearts to the Love that pours forth from the Cross.  THAT, my friends, is pretty awesome.

May you all have a Blessed Lenten Season as you look forward to the Joy of Easter.

Noah and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very bad THREES!

I survived the "Terrible Twos" with Noah, the star of more than a few of the posts here.  I thought it would be smooth sailing - onto potty training and sleeping in his big boy bed! Oops.  I forgot about "three."  Noah is my fourth and youngest child on earth.  You would think by now I would have conquered the Mommy Amnesia and would be hunkered down for the Horrible Threes.  The "Twos" are just a practice run - three is when it gets REALLY interesting.  Now it is all flooding back. 

When my third child and second son turned three he began what we called the "only in public tantrums."  He was an angel at home, but as soon as he set foot in a store or market, WHAMMO!  He was on the floor writhing and screaming, wailing and yelling.  Shoving himself all over the floor with his feet while I hid, waiting for it to pass.  (It passed at three and a half.)  Yes, those were the "threes" with Ben. 

His older brother was never a tantrum thrower, he preferred to climb - and taste - everything.  His threes were spent scaling the furniture, scaling the windows, climbing the walls (literally) and then jumping off whatever it was he had conquered; then he would sample everything:  'Oh a rock!' lick.  "Hmm, hay," crunch.  "Sticky stuff from a caterpillar," slurp.  Yes he was the taste-testing climber. 

My oldest was a very particular three.  She had to have everything arranged just so, and was generally happy - until she wasn't - and it was then that she would throw the most beautiful tantrum - eyes closed, head thrown back, mouth open wide AND NO SOUND!  She was our "silent tantrum thrower."  It was magnificent. 

Noah, however, is going to be a whole new experience.  He is just plain destructive.  Mischievously destructive.  He has the benefit of older siblings, so he is QUITE the talker with an impressive (and scary) vocabulary, very inquisitive and curious, and thinks he is older than he really is.  This is NOT a good combination.  Especially with a sick Mommy. 

Yes, I have pneumonia, and am quite under the weather.  This, however, doesn't stop Noah.  He sees it as an opportunity.  "Mommy can't breathe and is stuck on the couch?  Excellent!"  And there goes the family size grated Parmesan cheese - ALL OVER the kitchen, and in a bowl, and in the computer keyboard.....  "Look, Its SNOWING!"  and he gleefully licks it off the floor.  "MMM delicious!" He smiles at me with grated cheese all over his face.  My sick self sighs.  Well, its just cheese right?  I sink into the chair and let him go to town, burying his trains in piles of "snow", filling bowls up with the cheese so he can stick his face in it and eat it "like a cat."  Eventually I summon the strength to get the vacuum.  He claps and dances as we "suck up the snow" and then "suck off" his toys, cleaning them of the cheese. 

I flop onto the couch, trying to breathe normally, and he is off on another adventure.  This one involves spraying the Toy Room with Lemon Juice.  It smells very fresh and clean now. 

Next its on to stealing gummy bears.  I find him hiding in the closet, mouth and fists full of the little bears, about to be eaten.  He grins at me and darts out of the closet.  I manage to wrestle the candy from his fists, and he is off to bigger and better things.....like shoving play doh in his ears and eyes.  "I'm being a pirate!"  "Pirates don't put play-doh in their ears."  "Oh."  and he is off again. This time eating the play-doh.  I hear my husband in the next room, "Noah, we don't eat play-doh!"  "Oh."  and his little feet come running full speed into the living room.  He grins at me, with play-doh in his teeth.  Yuck!

No worries though, because a few minutes later I find him on top of the kitchen counter stealing more gummy Bears out of the cabinet they were hiding in.  The gummy stuff will get the play-doh out of his teeth, right?  Because his toothbrush is currently shoved so far down the drain I don't think I can get it out..... and yes, he shoved it down there, clogged the drain, turned on the water and flooded the bathroom..... what is it with Noahs and floods!?

Speaking of floods, I thought a hot bath would help me breathe better.  So I filled up the tub, poured in some baking soda, and sat in the quiet steaminess, trying to breathe better.  All of a sudden a happy face peers at me.  "Hi Mommy! I am going to help you!"  and he shuts the bathroom door, trapping the two of us inside.  He grins again.  "You need toys!"  and into the bathtub goes a bunch of toys - dinosaurs, plastic things, and cups.  "You need more of this!"  and he dumps ALL the baking soda into the tub.  "Noah, Mommy doesn't need anymore help!"  "Yes you do!  Here!" and he squirts a Thomas the Tank Engine bath toy at me - cold, nasty, filmy water hits me in the face.  Gross.  Cold.  Next thing I know he has stripped off his clothes and removed his diaper.  "I am coming in too!"  And in he climbs before I can feebly call my husband (who is washing dishes and can't hear me anyway).  Now its the two of us in a bathtub filled with WAY too much baking soda.  He is happy as a squirmy clam.  Then come the anatomy questions.  "What are these for?"  "They feed babies?"  "Can I taste?"  "Why don't they work right now?"  "How come I don't have any?"  Then the conversation moves below the belt.  This is even more hysterical.  "Why don't YOU have anything?"  "Why do I have TWO parts than hang down?"  "Are they attached?"  "Why does it float?"  "Can I make it big?"  "Will it fall off?"  Eventually, anatomy questions exhausted, I get out of the tub and leave my wet, squirmy, newly-minted three year old for my husband to tackle.  Soon he is dry and ready for more action!

As I try with futility to rest in quiet, I discover Noah has taken all my candles and built a precarious tower - using a St. Francis statue and a statue of the Blessed Mother to prop it up.  I carefully unstack the candles and inspect the statues for damage.  That's when I notice that there is salt all over the small alter we have.  I follow the salt trail into the kitchen where Noah is emptying the rest of it into one of his toy trains' coal cars.  Apparently his trains run on salt. 

Out comes the vacuum.  Again.

And this is how it goes.  One day is more destructive than the next.  He gets into everything; his mischievous little grin lights up his face when he has been caught red handed stealing food, or pennies, or his siblings' toys.  I know I have even more destructive days ahead, but for now, its time to hunker down, and realize that he is going to grow out of the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very bad Threes all too quickly, and that blessed Mommy Amnesia will hit once again.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Recently I have begun to reflect upon the impact of ugliness on our children.  No, I am not talking about a person who may not meet our cultural standards of "prettiness" or "handsomeness."  I am referring to ugliness as the opposite of beauty. In a more philosophical sense.  I know, I know, this is a Mommy blog, and I am attempting to write on philosophy - perhaps a grand undertaking considering that I will write this amidst the chaos of a semi-clean house (but hey, I'm OK with that now...see the previous post!), and diaper changing, and meal preparing, and homeschooling, but I can give it a shot!  You see, its an important thing to consider as parents.  Beauty and ugliness; bear with me as I dive into the filed away lessons I learned in my college philosophy classes!

Beauty has long represented that which is good.  It is a metaphor for goodness, and since God is good, we can say that true beauty also points us towards God.  Now, lets be clear about what beauty is and is not here.  Beauty is not what our culture refers to as "hotness."  Its not superficial.  The beauty I am referring to is what you witness when you see a magnificent sunset, a gorgeous garden, something that takes your breathe away and leaves you in awe and wonder, something that brings you peace and happiness - even if just for a moment.  Like how my husband feels when he gets his first glimpse of me in the morning...OK, maybe not.

Beauty is hard to quantify, hard to define, but we all know true beauty when we see it, and if our hearts are right, we can recognize God as the beginning and end of the beauty.  Take a sunset.  When we witness a breathtaking sunset, we can recognize God as the artist of such a sunset.  We can also recognize His love for us - for Who else but a loving Father would create such beauty simply to make us happy.  God is a show off.  He loves to show us how much He loves us, and beauty is one of the ways He does this.  Nature is full of Beauty - just look at the sky, a garden or a single perfect rose.  Art conveys to us beauty - both in nature and in the human form.  Don't get me wrong, seeing a beautiful man or woman can in fact draw you closer to God - not tainted by lust or jealousy - the human being is created in His Image after all!  God created beauty - in nature, in persons, so that we could get a glimpse of Him and His love.

Conversely, ugliness has traditionally been a metaphor for evil.  If beauty points us towards God and His love, ugliness does the exact opposite.  If God is the end of Beauty, than Satan and his evil is the end of true ugliness.  Now let us also be clear on what ugliness is.  Ugliness is the absence of beauty.  It too is not superficial.  It is deeply rooted anti-good.  Our language here gets in the way or our understanding.  Generally when we say something is "ugly" we are simply referring to it being not nice to look at; but real ugliness is much deeper than that.  It is the antithesis of goodness and beauty, directing us away from God.  If beauty is the metaphor for good, than ugliness is the metaphor for evil.

Why am I bothering to bring this up on blog for moms?  Because we have a responsibility to teach our children how to recognize beauty and ugliness, good and evil.  I believe that this task has become much more difficult, even since the time that we ourselves were children.

Nowadays there are so many confusing messages about what is good and beautiful, and what is bad and ugly.  These messages come packaged in books and movies, TV shows, magazines, fads, and fashion.  I may sound like I am pining for the bygone days (or even for an earlier era in which I did not live) but things used to be much more cut and dry.  Think of some of the old children's books, and their illustrations - "Goldenbook" selections for example, and books illustrated by Eloise Wilkin, or old movies and their imagery or animation, or think of the appropriate clothing for different occasions.  There is a huge difference!

Let's take a closer look at a few examples to help me make my point:  One of my favorite examples is the story of Sleeping Beauty.   Let's use Disney's "animated classic" for our example since its most likely that we've all seen it.  In that movie we are shown very clear depictions of good and evil.  Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty) is beautiful - not only does she have flowing hair and lovely features, but she is gentle,  kind, generous, sweet, and loving - in short, she is virtuous.  You see, her beauty is a metaphor for her goodness.  Scenes involving her include cheerful happy backgrounds, or a beautiful forest.  The Prince who eventually rescues her is handsome (masculine word for beautiful) and brave - and literally given the sword of Truth and the Shield of Virtue.  On the other hand, Maleficent, the evil nemesis, is ugly.  There is nothing beautiful about her.  Even her voice is given a timbre that is displeasing.  Whereas Sleeping Beauty's castle is lovely, Maleficent's Castle is ugly and dark.  Her cohorts are gargoyle-esque, and deformed.  There is nothing pleasing or even remotely beautiful about her or anything associated with her.  This disparity is purposeful.  This type of illustration clearly defines what and who is good and who and what is evil.  A child watching the movie may not understand all the metaphors or symbolism, but he or she will easily identify who the "good guys" are and who the "bad guys" are.

This clear cut good vs. evil is important for children, because they see the world in a very black and white way.  They are still forming their consciences, their own understanding of good and evil.  Seeing this played out in literature, on the screen, and even in more subtle ways in modern media can help a child to internalize and understand that there are some things that are always good, and some things that are always evil.  Learning how to identify these things helps a child to grow in to a virtuous adult with a well formed character.  Older children can be exposed to this obvious and healthy juxtaposition in  C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, and J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Ring's Trilogy and The Hobbit.

On a more subtle level, being exposed to beauty helps a child to develop an appreciation for real beauty - and likewise, an abhorrence to counterfeit beauty.  Do you want your son to grow up respecting women and not treating them as objects?  Expose him to real beauty.  So many young men and boys fall victim to pornography and promiscuity because there is something in them that is yearning for beauty - and yearning for the the God of that beauty.  Do you want your daughter to dress appropriately and not flaunt her beauty in a worldly way?  Expose her to true beauty.  Remember that beauty always points towards God.  If a child is never exposed to this Truth, never experiences the whisper of God in something beautiful,  he or she will search for  this Truth in all the wrong places.

Beauty and ugliness are also metaphors for right and wrong.  For ages stories about right and wrong - lessons - have been cloaked in the disguise of fairy tales, folklore and stories.  In so much classic children's literature the brilliant illustrations clearly depict good and evil, right and wrong, using illustrative and literary techniques that make the good and right beautiful and pleasing to look at, and the wrong and evil disfigured and grotesque.  Once again this is an effective way that children are exposed to the ideas of right and wrong, good and evil.

Now take some of the modern day media and literature that our children are exposed to.  While there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with it, we should pay close attention to the subtle messages that  are being sent.  Some parents may think I am being too paranoid here, and some may take issue with my assessment of certain TV shows and books, but I stand by my assertion that there is a war for our children's hearts and minds, and this war is waged by the Father of Lies - who would like nothing more than to corrupt our children and confuse them from their infancy.

Have you noticed that some TV shows for children are just plain weird?  I mean terrible animation with strange multi-colored (as in purple and pink and green) characters with disproportionately sized body parts- even though they are supposed to human?  Other TV shows have unidentifiable characters - human-esque, but not quite.  These images are jarring and confusing to children.  We write them off as entertaining, but I fear that they can actually be moor damaging than that.  Jarring and ugly media desensitizes children to true ugliness.  It preps them for accepting more and more twisted and grotesque images, which in turn desensitizes them to true wrongness and evil.

This is actually one of the cautions I have for parents who allow their children to read and watch titles from both the Harry Potter and Twilight series.   Its also the basis for the objection that I have to titles that depict dragons - a classic metaphor for Satan - as friendly and helpful, and ugly, disfigured witches as "good"  (Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz would be an exception because she looks more like a Fairy Godmother than a witch).  I  may sound nit-picky, but left unchecked, this type of literature and movie media  can plant seeds of confusion and doubt in impressionable minds.  Consider this excerpt from a review of Harry Potter (the full review is linked to below and I strongly encourage you to read it!):

On the surface, the Harry Potter tales fit right in with Goosebumps, Rugrats, and that gooey cerebral-like matter designed for throwing upon walls. Yes, pre-pubescent boys, especially, can think this stuff is pretty neat, hence there is a huge market for it. But if we want our children to love truth, goodness and beauty, then why are we buying them products that encourage their tendencies toward the grotesque? Of course, all great literature illustrates the dark side of human existence; however, the best authors do not intend darkness itself as entertainment. Like shadows in a landscape that make the bright spots all the more brighter, evil in fiction should serve as a contrast to the good. Perversely, Rowling presents her dismal world of the occult as a circus. Worse than that, she offers it as a desirable alternative to her caricature of normalcy.... I nevertheless consider her smorgasbord of magic, yuck, and gore an unfitting package for the truth. Moreover, her stories create the impression that some of us, like Potter and Dumbledore, could learn to handle occult powers and wield them for good. This is a grave error, for our intentions, however noble, cannot transform an objective evil into a good.(a)


And this review also lnked to in full below:


One of the greatest problems of the Harry Potter craze, as I see it, is the tremendous confusion between good and evil it is bound to generate among the youth, especially in the already-relativized ambience of our days. Children not only need absolutes, but seek them. (b)

As parents we have enough trouble from the continuous cultural bombardment that our families are under - constantly seeking to erode and undermine our values and beliefs.  Its too easy to assume that planting the kids in front of a "children's TV show" or letting them stay up late to read "children's or young adult literature" is safe and not deserving of our scrutiny; and honestly wouldn't it be nice to have something that we didn't need to be wary of once in a while?  But the Truth of the matter is that its our job - its our vocation - to guide our children's tastes and to limit what they can and can't consume when it comes to movies, books, and such.  They may balk, they may complain, but they will never doubt that you love them or that you have their Eternal interests at heart.

When I am faced with a situation in which my kids want to watch or read something that I object to on the ground that we have just discussed, I take the opportunity to explain to them my reasons why I object.  They may be young, but they grasp the Biblical exhortation of Pillipians 4:18:

"Finally brothers, [sisters] whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is GRACIOUS,  if there is any EXCELLENCE and if there is anything worthy of PRAISE,  think about these things. " 

I use this quote to help my children understand that everything we do should help us to love God more - even when we are doing something leisurely.  "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17).   It is helpful to introduce children, even young ones, to the idea that we should seek to please God with all of our actions - even when we are "just watching TV."  If something we are watching seems to be "too confusing" and makes it difficult for us to decide who is acting like they love God, perhaps its not worthy of our attention.  

It takes some time, but if your kids are anything like mine they will take to this line of thinking with zeal (and occasionally go overboard!).  We even have a list of perfectly harmless songs that my oldest son and daughter have deemed "fresh" just because of the sound of music!  (Fresh is our family word for 'rude' or 'sassy' or 'inappropriate.')  As they get older I am not necessarily opposed to allowing them to read what I consider to be more 'questionable' titles (whatever the Harry Potter and Twilight of the next generation may be) as long as we discuss them together, so we can decide what literary devices hold true God's Truth about beauty, and as long as they have by then developed the critical thinking and analytical skills necessary to identify the disparities in what they are reading or watching.  In other words, when they have formed their consciences and grown up enough to notice for themselves the obvious incongruence that may be present in what they are reading.  

For now though, my kids are young sponges,  and  they see the world as being very cut and dry.  I believe it is my duty to protect their innocence, and to help them firmly establish their understanding of right and wrong before exposing them to literature and media that may undermine my efforts to help them form their consciences.  If you feel the same way, navigating the TV, internet, and book stores can seem daunting.  I  have compiled a short list below of some resources and tips that you may find helpful:


**Update**  You may dismayed to check out this excellent blog post about the latest creepy (and totally inappropriate!) girl's toys.  Think Bratz dolls - undead.  Serisouly.
http://storiesforthehomeschoolheart.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/ugly-girls/#comment-128

For Reviews on Movies, TV shows, music and more with a Christian Perspective:

http://www.pluggedin.com/


Catholic Kids Shows:
http://www.ewtn.com/tv/kids/index.asp

*Stay away from the Tolkien rip-offs that are really just cheap "fantasy" that are rife with confusing messages about good and evil.  Tolkien's works are so magnificent because they are a complete Christian allegory - and the imagery he uses very clearly depicts good and evil.

(a) Is Harry Potter Good for Our Kids? (Review quoted above) http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/arts/al0070.html


(b) Harry Potter and the Problem of Good and Evil (review quoted above) http://www.traditioninaction.org/HotTopics/d003ht.htm

Twilight for Catholics? http://catholicmediareview.blogspot.com/2008/12/twilight.html


Discussion on Moral Ambiguity of Twilight: http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=471332

Too Clean, or Not too Clean?

I have been ruminating on this topic for a while: cleaning.  Just thinking about cleaning makes my adrenaline pump - I am ready to conquer whatever obstacles that are preventing my home from being a pristine, clean paradise.  My eyes become little laser beams - beaming in on any small thing that is out of place, my muscles twitch - ready to be toned by the power of the vacuum and the weight of several bottles of cleaning spray.  In short, I LOVE a clean house.  Its my secret neuroses.  When everything is put away, when my floors are free of debris and clutter, my counter tops bare, the computer desk clear of everything BUT the computer and printer, the toy room neatly organized, the bathroom sparkling, the kitchen sink shiny and empty, and the table cloth hanging evenly off all 4 sides of the table, I can relax.  I don't relax very often.  I need to change that.

At first I thought maybe I could just pray to win the lottery and then I could contract out for a cleaning service - riiiiight.  Reality check.

Next I thought maybe I could train my children to become super-cleaners.  Uh-huh.

Then I fantasized about just throwing out almost everything, giving our home a sanitized, hotel room-esque feeling.....equally unrealistic.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps what I needed to do was to create some more realistic expectations as far as what "clean" means and how to achieve an acceptable (not unrealistic) level of clean without turning into "grumpy mommy."  "Grumpy Mommy" is what my kids call me when I am harping on them to "tidy up a bit."  (An euphemism for "dramatically altar the messy state of the house.")  Apparently "Grumpy Mommy" makes too many appearances.

I decided to begin my endeavor to come to some realistic, yet  relaxation conducive, expectations with some soul searching.  Why is it so important to me to have my house resemble an operating room?  Is is truly necessary to mine or anyone else's well-being that when one walks into my home they feel like they need to scrub up first?   I mean I love it when I go visit a friend, or to my parents home (I still have younger siblings in grade school), or really any home, and it looks lived in.  Meaning, not like Mary-Poppins-on-Speed just flew in and worked her magic.  In other words not like mine would look if I was having company.  Why is it I can completely relax in someone else's house when it is NOT freakishly clean, yet, I can't do that in my own home.  Why is it that I'd prefer to be in the other person's house? Surely that's not healthy!

I think the answer lies in my secret insecurity: if my house is not perfect, maybe other people will think I am not a good mom.  Shallow, perhaps. but that is at the crux of it.  I have four children here on earth,  two I can't wait to meet in Heaven, and have therefore been pregnant 6 times.  Each pregnancy brings more and more unasked-for "advice."  Namely, "You should stop.  You have too many children, how can you possibly keep up?"  and "You're going to burn out with all those kids."  and my favorite, "the more children you have, the less likely you are to be a good mom to all of them."

After hearing these types of comments over and over again, perhaps I feel the need to prove them all wrong.  Maybe I am afraid that if someone catches me with a messy house, then I have some how failed - just as predicted by the big-mouthed, but well-meaning naysayers.  So I exhaust myself fighting a losing battle, more like June Cleaver on crack, desperately trying to "prove" I am a good mother by keeping my house as taintless and undefiled as is humanly impossible.  In doing so I actually end up more stressed out and much more of a "grumpy mommy."

Now, of course there is a rational part of me that knows better than to listen to ill-timed, and inaccurate advice.  But I suppose there is a little part of me that internalizes it, and is afraid.  This is the part of me that I need to get rid of.  Its time to be realistic, and not afraid of what others may think!

This epiphany of thought led me to thinking that perhaps I am not the only one who may feel like this.  Perhaps there are scores of other mothers out there who feel like they are constantly fighting an uphill - losing battle with their homes.  Sadly, our kids become the casualties.  Just because I am insecure because of my fear of being a failure, doesn't mean I have to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.  So I am blogging about my once secret neuroses - admitting my insecurity, and hoping that if one of you Mommies out there has similar thoughts, my soul searching might be of some assistance as you too struggle to come to terms with what is "too clean," and what is not "too clean."

In order to regain some sanity and still be able to relax in my own home, I needed to come to some internal understandings.  First, I needed to really grasp the truth that I have 4 small children underfoot.  This means that more often than not, my house is going to be in upheaval.  I don't know who said it first but its true that "trying to keep a house clean while raising small children is like trying to shovel snow in the middle of a blizzard." But I realize that this doesn't mean I can just let everything go either.  I have to somehow strike a balance between realistic, and unrealistic - too clean, and not too clean.  It also means it is my responsibility to instill in my little mess-makers a non-neurotic sense of cleanliness and orderliness.

The compromise is still in flux, but we have made good headway.  I have tried to structure the kids' days so that there are two designated "clean up times."  If they pick up their messes in a timely manner (before the 10 minute timer rings) they get a piece of fruit as a snack.  Clean up times are announced by the ringing of an alarm that has been pre-set.  This prevents "Grumpy Mommy" from rearing her ugly head.  I try to keep the timers set for the same times every day.  If we are having company we do a "big clean up."  This usually involves some sort of bribery.  I have named several different types of "clean ups."  There is the candy-clean -up, the sticker-clean-up, the stamp-clean-up, and the favorite - the whipped-cream-clean-up.  The names denote the reward associated with a successful clean up attempt.  After cleaning up each room the kids are rewarded by receiving a sticker, stamp, small piece of candy, or a squirt of whipped cream in their mouths.  I save these for times when the house has gotten completely out of hand (like after I spent 3 days in bed with the flu and poor Daddy had to hold down the fort!  or when I was away for a weekend giving a pro-life talk) or for when we are having company that has either a) never been to our house before (b) been to our house, but not for a long time (long time meaning at least 3 months) or (c) is a member of the clergy (because a priest acts in the Person of Christ, the Head, here on earth.).    The most important part of this compromise is the context in which I approach the cleaning, and how I explain it to my children.

Why do we clean up?  Instead of my neurotic "I must clean so I can prove I'm a good mother" paradigm, I have tried to embrace, and impart to my kids the idea that cleaning is a way in which we respect the things we have, and the house we have.  'Keeping the house clean is a way we can show we are thankful.  It is a way we show respect to each other and to God, to Whom we are thankful for all He has given us. If we don't "take care of" our things, we must not really care about them, and we should give them to children who would be more thankful for them.  "Taking care of our things" includes putting them where they belong when we are done with them.  If we don't put them away and leave them out or on the floor, they could get broken or lost. '  Amazingly, the more I explained this to my kids, the more I began to subscribe to it as well!  What a more balanced understanding of cleanliness!

As for guests, I explained to my intrepid cleaners hoping for whipped cream, that we want people to feel welcome when they come to visit.  If the house is super messy, they may not feel like we want them to visit us.  It may be embarrassing to them to come into our home with it really unclean.  Instead, we want guests to feel like we prepared for them - that we were willing to sacrifice a little and do a little extra cleaning because we are happy to have them come to our home.  I continued to explain that just as we get our hearts "cleaned up" for Jesus, so He feels welcome in our hearts, we get our house clean to make our neighbors feel welcome - because we should try to see Jesus in everyone's heart - and so when we welcome our neighbors, we are also welcoming Christ.  The first time I explained this I was a little skeptical.  I was still fighting my insecure, paranoid, neurosis and although I knew what I was saying was true and right, I didn't feel it, and I was afraid my kids would be indifferent.  Boy was I ecstatic when my kids immediately warmed to the idea that we should welcome each person into our home as though he or she were Christ.  Recognizing the "Jesus in everyone's heart" was something my kids took immediate liking too.  That day they did their best "clean up" ever  - and were rewarded with an extra squirt of whipped cream.  (I couldn't help myself - they were so excited to "see Jesus" in everyone and to show Him that He was welcome that I was beside myself with pride in their innocent mastery of a crucial part of being a Christian that I just heaped on the whipped cream!)

Happily for me, going through this explanation  a few times helped me to internalize it too.  It shifted my paradigm.  Cleaning my house shouldn't be for me.  My insecurity or need to prove myself is not the correct motivation for house cleaning.  Taking care of what we have, being thankful, and making others feel welcome, while seeing Christ in them - those are much healthier reasons to clean house.  And if my house doesn't look like a sterile hospital ward?  If our guests come and things aren't how I would have liked?  If the clean up alarm rings but its more important for me to pay attention to one of my kids, or meet a need that one of them has, it doesn't mean that I am not a good mother.  It doesn't mean that I failed.  It means that I did my best, but I have little children who need a non-Grumpy Mommy more than they need June Cleaver on crack.   It means that I have done what is most important for my kids - tried to give them a healthy understanding of cleanliness, and showed them that sometimes its OK not "too clean."