Marriage on Fire

I am sitting on the floor in front of our wood burning stove enjoying the warmth.  Its a cold, wet day and the house has a chill.  We heat our home with the wood stove, and so sitting here I am getting the first of the warmth that is sure to spread throughout the house.  My husband has been working odd hours for a few years now and so the bulk of the fire duty falls to me.  At first this was exciting.  I would trample through the snow and wind to the wood pile, gathering an armful and then trudge back to house, convinced I would have made a great pioneer or first settler.  Then I'd build a great fire and be pleased with my pyromania prowess.  But sometimes its not that easy to get a roaring fire going.  I think of these things as I stare at the flames.  This fire stove always gives me something to ponder.

Tonight it has me musing on marriage.

Marriage is a lot like this fire. 

To get the fire burning strong, it takes a lot of tending.  It takes care and attention.  So does a strong marriage. 

The fire won't build itself, and left too long alone it will burn itself out.  So will a marriage.

Sometimes just one piece of wet wood, or rotted log can ruin a strong burn.  Similarly, resentment and misunderstandings can rot a marriage, ruining its flame.

I have noticed that when the wood is wet, when its not perfect, when it hasn't been seasoned, the fire needs MORE tending and MORE attention.  This is true for marriage.  When you hit the "for worse" (and everyone does)  this is when you need to work even harder on your marriage.  Its when you tend to each other and each other's needs even more.  Its the only way to grow strong again - my fire taught me that.

Sometimes I am fooled when I look at the blaze in the stove. It seems so strong and so steady.  So I ignore it.  I get distracted, and assume its OK.  Soon it is barely a smoldering pile of ash, and it takes even more work to build it back up again.  So too with marriage.  We have a tendency to take our spouse and our marriage for granted when things are going well, when we feel strong.  But this allows for inattention and inattentiveness.  Before long, we are in a bad place and our marriage needs even more work than it did before. 

Don't let the flames go out! 

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Sometimes despite my best efforts, the fire is slow to catch and difficult to burn.  But I tend to it anyway.  I can't give up!  My family relies on the heat from the fire!  I can't let them freeze and I can't let them down!  Marriage isn't always a fairy tale.  In fact it hardly ever is.  Instead some marriages are difficult.  They require extra tending and care, and sometimes despite the best efforts of one or both spouses, the marriage is slow to grow strong.  Don't give up!  Just as my difficult, slow to burn fire will eventually become a strong blaze, so will a marriage that is difficult - with enough work, enough patience and tending. 

Some things will put out a fire immediately.  Throw water on a fire of any size and it will go out,  The wet ash will also make it impossible to start a new one.  The old, wet ash must be shoveled out and a new fire started.  Some things are like water to flame in a marriage:  infidelity, bitterness, total neglect, and disrespect will put out the flames completely.  A marriage dampened under one of these will take a lot of time and care to rebuild.  A lot of "shoveling" and soul searching and trust building has to take place first.   But just as a fire can be rebuilt, so can a marriage. 

I stare at the fire.  It is burning well now.  A solid, strong, steady burn.   I could keep this fire burning for days, weeks, even years if I give it the right amount of attention, the right amount of patience and the right amount of tending. Despite the setbacks, the damp wood, the distractions and the wrong assumptions I might make about this blaze, I can see that what it needs is perseverance, patience, care, and attention to keep burning.  Very much like a marriage.....



**This post is dedicated to my cousins, Caitlin Cardona and Kimberly Sharkey, who are both preparing to start "fires" of their own. <3 **