In the Orbit of Mother

I'm under the weather today. Nothing serious, just a bad cold. Unfortunately I am still improving my immune system so a cold sort of really knocks me off my feet. While I know what I need to do to get over this nuisance of the nose, throat, and chest variety, whether or not I can do it seems to depend a lot on my children.

Inevitably, when I need rest, quiet and immobility, I am reminded that my children orbit around me.

Mothers are like the suns of their little domestic universes. Everything revolves around them. Husband, children, even pets, they all find harmony in a synchronous orbit around mother.

Yesterday I needed to put myself to bed and try to sleep this thing off. So when husband came home I finished making dinner and then tried to turn over the household to him and put myself in bed. Within ten minutes the first of my little orbiters came in to tell me absolutely nothing important. A few minutes later another skipped in to simply "see if I was asleep" and was relieved that I was not. Not long after that I was treated to another visit from my youngest. He thought that perhaps I needed to be entertained and snuggled so he moved into "close orbit" and splayed himself across my chest while talking nonstop about origami. Soon after this, my husband came in. He couldn't find something. I told him where it was. Then he came in again wondering how to store the left-overs. Then he decided to do the bills sitting next to me on the bed. At this point I gave up the idea of sleeping - which was good because next came the parade of children giving me origami tulips and cat faces.

I could have gotten mad. I was admittedly a bit frustrated. But I am mom. I am wife. I am, quite literally, the center of their universe.  This is something for which I am both eternally grateful and constantly terrified of messing up; but it is as it should be.

One day my children will be grown. It is happening too fast as it is with two of them on the cusp of the teenage years. They will outgrow this small domestic universe of ours. My boys will seek out their own lives. They will find a new "star" to become the center of their orbit. As they should.

My daughter will grow and learn and mature into a woman I hope will understand the important role she will play in a family of her own. A role no one else can fill. The role of wife. The role of mother.

Mother.
This exhausting, beautiful, real, raw, self-emptying calling that makes you alike to the sun, and as full of love as the moon.

And I will one day be able to put myself to bed without interruption, without small feet running to check on me, and I will miss these times. I will miss their need to simply be near me. The security they feel in knowing mother is there. She is awake. She is watching. She is present. And they are in my orbit.

So I turn to Our Blessed Mother.
Mary, Star of the Sea. Mary, Morning Star.

We have a beautiful statue of Mary in our home right now. It is by far my favorite depiction of Mary. The statue belongs to my grandmother but she loans her out to our family members. Whenever she comes to visit I find myself doing the same thing that my children do. I place myself in her orbit. It is enough to be near. To be able to glance at her as I go about my day. To feel her presence and the security that comes with it.  I actually contemplated placing her on a table in my kitchen because that is where I spend so much of my day!

More than the presence of a statue though, there is a comfort and a peace that comes from being near Our Lady. She is Mother. The most perfect of Mothers. She offers us all the comfort, the protection, the encouragement, and the help we could possibly need; and she does this because she constantly directs us to THE Son. Her Son. I love the quote from St. Louis de Montfort, "If you put all the love of all the mothers of the world into one heart it still would not equal the love of the heart of Mary for her children."

She understands the unique sacrifices and the gift that is Motherhood. She can distribute to us the Graces we need to accept our role in our families, to be the "sun" in whose orbit our family finds peace. If we place ourselves near her, much as our children do with us, we will find all the help, all the perseverance, all the love we need to be mother.

Mother.
Mary.
Mother for mothers.

Musings on TV, Mom Guilt and Grossness

The other day was my daughter's annual check-up.  In the course of the visit her pediatrician was asking the normal questions and I was answering.  (Can I take a minute to say that I LOVE our pediatrician?  That is saying a LOT since I generally don't get along with any doctors and am one of "those" patients/moms who is educated and outspoken when it comes to medicine and health).  So in between the doc's good natured ribbing of my usual refusal to vaccinate and my telling him of my reasons for going mostly Paleo with the kids' diets he asks, "How much TV do your kids watch?" I blinked at him.  "We don't have a TV," I responded," but occasionally I allow them to watch a DVD on the computer or a show on Netflix."  He got a big grin on his face and held out his hand for a high-five.  "Put 'er there," he said as I slapped his hand, "Excellent!"
We wrapped up the appointment with a clean bill of health and his promise to look over the latest info on the connection between vaccines and gut damage and I happily announced that we would see him in a week for the boys' check-ups.  (Did I mention that I love this guy?)

"Mommy, why did he ask if we have a TV?"

"Well because TV isn't really good for children."

"Oh."

This got me thinking.

Later in the week I was talking with a friend who asked if I ever let my kids watch TV.  I responded the same way I did to my pediatrician.  "But," she persisted, "do you ever let them watch too much?"

This got me thinking some more.

During the Olympics we saw some of the games on my inlaw's TV while we were visiting.  It was fun to watch the athletes and to see America excel.  It was NOT fun to see the commercials for NBC's new show The New Normal. (http://www.nbc.com/the-new-normal/). A show about a gay couple who use a surrogate to gestate the baby they plan to adopt, despite the objection of the surrogate's "uptight, conservative (read "Republican") mother."

More thinking.

I decided to check out the new mini-drama Political Minds and the series Downton Abbey as I had heard good things about both and since I have an interest in politics, and I love a good English Period piece.  I was enjoying both of them until the somewhat unexpected "love scenes" between what turned out to be the closeted (and not so closeted) gay characters.

Much more thinking.

I consider myself to be a tolerant person.  I don't judge, and quite frankly, I don't care if you wish to label yourself according to your sexual orientation.  I prefer to be friends with someone based on WHO they are not WHAT they do in their private moments.  This being the case, I am friends with individuals who claim a different orientation than I do, and I am grateful for their friendship, and glad they are part of my life.  I do however have to tell you that when I see two men making out I have what others would call a "negative reaction.".  Sorry if that offends you, but its the Truth.  I literally have to look away.  Its not the people who disgust me.  Its the action.  Let's be clear on that before I start getting called ridiculous names.

So what does all this have to do with TV?  Well, the reason we decided to not have one was two fold.  The first reason being that there is so much sexualized junk that it didn't seem worth the bill.  The second was because we didn't want our children to grow up in front of the television.  After reading so much about how detrimental it is to a child's brain development it just didn't seem worth it to me.  That's where the mom-guilt comes in. You see, I DO sometimes allow the kids to watch too much on the computer.  "Screen time" is what we call it.  Whether its my son watching things on Netflix from the Discovery Channel or my daughter watching "Queen Esther" I do let them see too much screen sometimes.  And I feel guilty about it.  I especially feel guilty about it when I am dealing with a large amount of stress - like recovering from hospitalization or recovering from severe anemia (which exhausts me completely) or trying to deal with a family crisis.  These are the times when, yes, I admit it, the screen becomes a babysitter.  After they have read through all their books, colored all they can color, played all the games that we can think of, when I need to deal with everything else life is throwing at me without a child hanging on my leg, the screen becomes a lifeboat.  There. I admitted it.  I feel guilty as heck, but I suspect that I am not alone in this guilt-ridden admission.

Now, my kids are all over the age of three, which is a magic age as far as screens go.  Before reaching the age of 2 1/2 I really do keep the kids from the screen....well, except for that one time.....  and the time before that.... humpf.  Bad Mommy.  More guilt.

As I wallow in my self-imposed, guilt-laced thoughts, it occurs to me that at least not having a TV has kept my kids from the other reason we decided to not have a television: content.  On the computer I have a filter and parental controls set as strict as they can get.  My kids cant even access a search engine.  Sorry, Google, my children don't use you.  This coupled with the fact that if they are viewing a screen I am IN the room with them means that the content they view is going to be safe and under Mommy's control.  In my opinion, especially as my kids get older, THIS becomes more important than having a little too much screen time occasionally.

If we had a TV I would have NO control over content.  Sure I could monitor the programming, but commercials?  They are a wild card - and from what I have seen and heard, they are getting wilder.  If my experience with the new push to mainstream the homosexual lifestyle is any indication, TV programs are just going to get more and more deviant, and push the envelope.  This is sadly calculated.  TV, media, and movies have always been used to advance a social agenda.  They are used to desensitize and normalize lifestyle choices that are not yet mainstream but that are well on their way.  Its the media version of cramming a cultural change down our collective throats.  This, to me, is disingenuous at best, and down right disgusting at worst.  And I won't participate.

Do you know why I have such a strong reaction to two men grasping and clawing and kissing each other?  Because I am NOT desensitized and I am having a NATURAL reaction to an unnatural act.  (To be fair, if there was a scene between a man and woman and same types of behavior were displayed I would be equally as mortified because I am not desensitized to the types of intimate displays that belong in a married couple's bedroom and are meant to be shared ONLY between the two people - not an audience). THIS is what I want for my children.  I WANT them to be sensitive to inappropriate sexual displays, to violence, to evil, to meanness, to ugliness.  (Real ugliness, not superficial - see this post for an explanation).

If we are raising children to see with the eyes of Christ than we cannot allow them to be desensitized to things that ought to repulse them.  This is sadly the agenda of far too much media programming.  It makes our job as parents difficult and unpopular at times.

I remember growing up that I wasn't allowed to view many (OK, ALL) of the TV shows that my peers were.  I realize now that my parents were being wise and prudent.  Thank God I respected them and heeded their rules.  I have a good understanding of right and wrong, good and bad, and a solid command of social issues that would have been confused had I indulged my young and immature mind by consuming the confusing messages of the pop-culture programs.  I must now do the same for my kids.  Hopefully someday they too will understand!

Lent and Little Ones

Its just me and the little man.  Awake. At 12:14am.  So I guess Lent has officially started.  Since I am awake and musing about what the next 40 days have in store I thought I would muse out loud, well, in cyberprint anyway! 

The kids and I had a few chances to talk about Lent and what its all about today as we ran our errands.  I am excited that the older two are old enough to remember "traditions."  For instance when I reminded them that today was "Fat Tuesday" (Mardi Gras) and the day before Ash Wednesday, my 6 year old immediately got out the "sacrifice jar."  "Mommy, we have to get the rocks!"  He is talking about the small driveway rocks (we have used dried large beans too) that we keep in a big bowl next to the sacrifice jar.  Every time one of the kids makes a sacrifice they get to put a rock in the jar.  On Easter Sunday when they wake up, the jar will be empty of the rocks and full of jelly beans.  Its a great visual reminder of sacrifice and redemption - how God takes our sacrifices, that don't feel good - like rocks - and He turns them into beautiful prayers which obtain Grace, which is good -  sort of like jelly beans - for us! 

The kids also reminded me that we need to make this year's Stations of the Cross.  Every year I print out coloring pages of the Stations.  The kids each get a few to color and then we cut and paste them onto construction paper.  Every night of Lent we pray the Stations together, with the kids taking turns leading.  Its fun to see how their coloring, and their interpretations, change every year.  (I am sure "Punch-less Pilot" will "fly his plane" into Jerusalem again this year, and maybe he will "take martial arts lessons to learn how to punch!")

A big change this is year is that the kids are all (well except for Noah) old enough to give up something and understand why its a good thing to do.   They collectively decided to give up watching "shows." (We don't have a TV but they do have some shows they are allowed to watch on Netflix and on DVDs on the computer).  I am very proud of this Lenten endeavor, and also believe it will greatly benefit them.  I promised that we would make more library trips as a way to ease them into the idea of making this sacrifice.  What is more important to me, though, is that they understand WHY we give things up.   Once again, by explaining it to my kids, I have gotten a glimpse into the pure simplicity and total SENSE that our Faith makes. 

At dinner (pancakes with lots of toppings!) I asked them to tell their Daddy what they were doing for Lent.  They proudly announced they were giving up "shows."  "Why?"  I pressed them.  The older two explained, "Because when we give up things we like its a sacrifice, and giving things up shows God that we love Him more than we love things."  "What else?"  I asked.  "And it also trains our souls and minds to be able to say no, so when there is something bad we have to say no to, we can! "  "Yeah!  It makes a good habit in our souls and minds!"

 I beamed.

See, its not enough if my kids go through the motions but don't grasp the why . Its the why that makes all the difference.  Its the difference between "because Mommy says so" and them wanting to do something because they love God and know He loves them.  That's what Lent comes down to for all of us.  Do we go through the motions or do we seek to allow God to love us?  By removing distractions and bad habits, by practicing penance and abstinence we are opening ourselves more to His Love.  We remove those things in ourselves that prevent His love from reaching us, and that prevent us from even noticing that He loves us.  THAT is what Lent is for - it prepares us for that scandalous, wondrous, LOVE affair called Easter. 

Maybe my kids don't yet grasp the Scandal of the Cross.  Maybe they don't fully understand the utter agony Christ suffered on our behalf.  But they ARE aware of His love for them.  They DO know that something awesome happened on Easter (and it doesn't have to do with a bunny, although I am sure he is coming again this year).  As they get older they will understand more fully, and we will make new traditions.  For now though, I am happy that as we embark on these 40 days, my little ones will be giving it their all and trying their best to fill up that Sacrifice Jar! 

Its not always easy to be on the ball looking for the teachable moments and taking the opportunities to show them God's Love.  But these days, when their characters and consciences are forming, when they are developing habits for the Liturgical Year, are too important to waste.  All too soon they will be grown and have their own Lenten Traditions.  So until then I will be happy to hear more about "Punch-less Pilot" and hear my 4  year old imitate the "weeping women of Jerusalem"  (apparently they say "weep weep weep weep").  And I will secretly watch as they raise their stuffed animals from the dead and crucify half naked G.I Joes.  They are "getting it" and more importantly, in their own way, they are opening their hearts to the Love that pours forth from the Cross.  THAT, my friends, is pretty awesome.

May you all have a Blessed Lenten Season as you look forward to the Joy of Easter.

Heroic Virtue?

Motherhood requires heroic virtue.  I've heard more than one well respected Catholic thinker/speaker/writer types repeat this mantra.  It usually makes me shudder.  Heroic virtue?  Seriously?  Couldn't God have made things a little easier on us poor schlubs out here?  Not that I am a schlub.  I am really an incredibly attractive mother of 5 who looks the same as I did when I graduated High School - skinny and toned, with hair that would make Jennifer Aniston jealous, immaculately groomed eye brows, eyes that sparkle with a well-rested glow, a wardrobe to put Miss America to shame and an overall demeanor that purrs with peacefulness, calm, control, and quiet intelligence.  Then I wake up.  An I realize that I'm probably closer to schlub material.  Especially on days when I am sleep deprived (which is distressingly often), sick, or my kids are sick, or both.

So heroic virtue, huh?  See, when I think of this phrase I immediately picture the young Virgin Martyrs - St. Maria Goretti, St. Philomena, St. Lucy - staring piously and angelically up to Heaven while meeting their mortal demise.  Or I think of St. Francis jumping into a thorn bush to beat back his own concupiscence.  Or John de Brebeuf, Isaac Jogues and the other North American Missionary Martyrs who met horrible tortured deaths - and some with great humor!  To me these are the men and women of Heroic Virtue, not little ol' schlubby me who can barely make it through some days without wishing I could have a toddler-style meltdown of my own.  And yet, I am called to heroic virtue.  We are called to heroic virtue.

So what is it exactly?  And how do I get it?  Can I just order up some 'heroic virtue' during prayer time and hope for the best?  Unfortunately it has been my experience that you just don't "get it" (unless you are one of the rare and blessed people to have a blinding"Saul-to-Paul" moment of extreme Grace).  Nope, for most of us schlubs out here in Mommyland Heroic Virtue is cultivated and practiced.  That means when your first little blessing is born you get extra Mommy Grace, and then well, you grow and tone your virtue muscles much like you tone those never-been-used-before-muscles that hold up the baby's head while he or she rests in your arms for hours because you're afraid to put him or her down.  Virtue is a "good spiritual habit" and just like other good habits its learned.  This is good news for those of us who shudder at the sound of it - we can achieve Heroic Virtue!  The not so good news is that its not exactly going to be a piece of cake.  Then again, nothing heroic ever is.

Maybe, though, this can give us a different perspective during those hard to handle Mommy times.  Chances are you more heroic than you think!  What else but heroic is calmly walking and bouncing a colicky newborn for 3 or 4 hours?  What else but heroic is staying up all night with a feverish child, and then handling the next day like you aren't completely sleep deprived?  What else but heroic is getting very little sleep for months on end, and not drinking caffeine because your need-to-eat-every-2-hours baby can't handle it?  What else but heroic is driving all over town bringing your kids to practices and rehearsals, lessons, and classes, and still having a hot meal for them at dinner time?  What else but heroic is welcoming a new life into your family, even though the world tells you to stop at 2 kids?  What else but heroic is listening to the entire  Disney Princess Sing Along CD for the 7th time in a row instead of the news in the car?  What else but heroic is the task of making sure Santa Claus makes it your house this year, and the Easter Bunny doesn't miss your door?  What else but heroic is coming home from date night 2 hours early because little "Johnny" had a nightmare and needs a Mommy hug?  What else but heroic is watching PG movies and TV shows (pretty hard to do these days) even after the kids go to bed because you know that your kids will try to listen or get a peak at the screen?  What else but heroic is reading that same book at bedtime for 4 months in a row, with the same amount of enthusiasm as the first time you read it?  What else but heroic is tackling piles of laundry daily, so your kids have clean clothes to wear?  What else but truly heroic is forming your children's consciences, helping them to become the men and women God created them to be?

You maybe thinking, but this is just what us moms do.  Well, yes, it is, but doing those things (and really I just scratched the surface) with love in your heart, a smile on your face, and without bitterness or resentment - that, dear friend, is heroic.

For years the Church recognized very few married men and women as Saints, but during the Pontificate of Pope John Paul II, more lay Saints were canonized than in much of recent Church history.  Pope John Paul II wanted to give us Saintly examples of men and women just like us who exercised "Heroic Virtue" in every day life.  (For a list of all those who were Canonized under John Paul II, and their biographies, see http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/index_saints_en.html )

Dear friend, you are a mother, and that means you are called to be a hero.  You have been given the tremendous task of raising up Children of the Light.  You have been given the Grace from the Father of of All to exercise Heroic Virtue in your every day family life.  It is my prayer that you will draw strength from the knowledge that you can and do have this saintly calling.  Your children and the world need your strength, patience, courage, modesty, perseverance, temperance, prudence, justice, faith, hope, and love.  This Advent may you grow in God's love and Grace so that you may truly embrace your heroic calling.  God Bless you, Mom!

**I would like to dedicate this post to all the beautiful, heroic women whom I have been blessed to have encountered in my life.  Most notably my own mother, my mother-in-law, my dear friends, and the women of the Confraternity of Christian Mothers and Holy Family Home Schoolers of Sacred Heart, Winchester.  Your examples touch the lives of more than just your children, and I am privileged to know you.