Marriage on Fire

I am sitting on the floor in front of our wood burning stove enjoying the warmth.  Its a cold, wet day and the house has a chill.  We heat our home with the wood stove, and so sitting here I am getting the first of the warmth that is sure to spread throughout the house.  My husband has been working odd hours for a few years now and so the bulk of the fire duty falls to me.  At first this was exciting.  I would trample through the snow and wind to the wood pile, gathering an armful and then trudge back to house, convinced I would have made a great pioneer or first settler.  Then I'd build a great fire and be pleased with my pyromania prowess.  But sometimes its not that easy to get a roaring fire going.  I think of these things as I stare at the flames.  This fire stove always gives me something to ponder.

Tonight it has me musing on marriage.

Marriage is a lot like this fire. 

To get the fire burning strong, it takes a lot of tending.  It takes care and attention.  So does a strong marriage. 

The fire won't build itself, and left too long alone it will burn itself out.  So will a marriage.

Sometimes just one piece of wet wood, or rotted log can ruin a strong burn.  Similarly, resentment and misunderstandings can rot a marriage, ruining its flame.

I have noticed that when the wood is wet, when its not perfect, when it hasn't been seasoned, the fire needs MORE tending and MORE attention.  This is true for marriage.  When you hit the "for worse" (and everyone does)  this is when you need to work even harder on your marriage.  Its when you tend to each other and each other's needs even more.  Its the only way to grow strong again - my fire taught me that.

Sometimes I am fooled when I look at the blaze in the stove. It seems so strong and so steady.  So I ignore it.  I get distracted, and assume its OK.  Soon it is barely a smoldering pile of ash, and it takes even more work to build it back up again.  So too with marriage.  We have a tendency to take our spouse and our marriage for granted when things are going well, when we feel strong.  But this allows for inattention and inattentiveness.  Before long, we are in a bad place and our marriage needs even more work than it did before. 

Don't let the flames go out! 

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Sometimes despite my best efforts, the fire is slow to catch and difficult to burn.  But I tend to it anyway.  I can't give up!  My family relies on the heat from the fire!  I can't let them freeze and I can't let them down!  Marriage isn't always a fairy tale.  In fact it hardly ever is.  Instead some marriages are difficult.  They require extra tending and care, and sometimes despite the best efforts of one or both spouses, the marriage is slow to grow strong.  Don't give up!  Just as my difficult, slow to burn fire will eventually become a strong blaze, so will a marriage that is difficult - with enough work, enough patience and tending. 

Some things will put out a fire immediately.  Throw water on a fire of any size and it will go out,  The wet ash will also make it impossible to start a new one.  The old, wet ash must be shoveled out and a new fire started.  Some things are like water to flame in a marriage:  infidelity, bitterness, total neglect, and disrespect will put out the flames completely.  A marriage dampened under one of these will take a lot of time and care to rebuild.  A lot of "shoveling" and soul searching and trust building has to take place first.   But just as a fire can be rebuilt, so can a marriage. 

I stare at the fire.  It is burning well now.  A solid, strong, steady burn.   I could keep this fire burning for days, weeks, even years if I give it the right amount of attention, the right amount of patience and the right amount of tending. Despite the setbacks, the damp wood, the distractions and the wrong assumptions I might make about this blaze, I can see that what it needs is perseverance, patience, care, and attention to keep burning.  Very much like a marriage.....



**This post is dedicated to my cousins, Caitlin Cardona and Kimberly Sharkey, who are both preparing to start "fires" of their own. <3 **

Lent and Little Ones

Its just me and the little man.  Awake. At 12:14am.  So I guess Lent has officially started.  Since I am awake and musing about what the next 40 days have in store I thought I would muse out loud, well, in cyberprint anyway! 

The kids and I had a few chances to talk about Lent and what its all about today as we ran our errands.  I am excited that the older two are old enough to remember "traditions."  For instance when I reminded them that today was "Fat Tuesday" (Mardi Gras) and the day before Ash Wednesday, my 6 year old immediately got out the "sacrifice jar."  "Mommy, we have to get the rocks!"  He is talking about the small driveway rocks (we have used dried large beans too) that we keep in a big bowl next to the sacrifice jar.  Every time one of the kids makes a sacrifice they get to put a rock in the jar.  On Easter Sunday when they wake up, the jar will be empty of the rocks and full of jelly beans.  Its a great visual reminder of sacrifice and redemption - how God takes our sacrifices, that don't feel good - like rocks - and He turns them into beautiful prayers which obtain Grace, which is good -  sort of like jelly beans - for us! 

The kids also reminded me that we need to make this year's Stations of the Cross.  Every year I print out coloring pages of the Stations.  The kids each get a few to color and then we cut and paste them onto construction paper.  Every night of Lent we pray the Stations together, with the kids taking turns leading.  Its fun to see how their coloring, and their interpretations, change every year.  (I am sure "Punch-less Pilot" will "fly his plane" into Jerusalem again this year, and maybe he will "take martial arts lessons to learn how to punch!")

A big change this is year is that the kids are all (well except for Noah) old enough to give up something and understand why its a good thing to do.   They collectively decided to give up watching "shows." (We don't have a TV but they do have some shows they are allowed to watch on Netflix and on DVDs on the computer).  I am very proud of this Lenten endeavor, and also believe it will greatly benefit them.  I promised that we would make more library trips as a way to ease them into the idea of making this sacrifice.  What is more important to me, though, is that they understand WHY we give things up.   Once again, by explaining it to my kids, I have gotten a glimpse into the pure simplicity and total SENSE that our Faith makes. 

At dinner (pancakes with lots of toppings!) I asked them to tell their Daddy what they were doing for Lent.  They proudly announced they were giving up "shows."  "Why?"  I pressed them.  The older two explained, "Because when we give up things we like its a sacrifice, and giving things up shows God that we love Him more than we love things."  "What else?"  I asked.  "And it also trains our souls and minds to be able to say no, so when there is something bad we have to say no to, we can! "  "Yeah!  It makes a good habit in our souls and minds!"

 I beamed.

See, its not enough if my kids go through the motions but don't grasp the why . Its the why that makes all the difference.  Its the difference between "because Mommy says so" and them wanting to do something because they love God and know He loves them.  That's what Lent comes down to for all of us.  Do we go through the motions or do we seek to allow God to love us?  By removing distractions and bad habits, by practicing penance and abstinence we are opening ourselves more to His Love.  We remove those things in ourselves that prevent His love from reaching us, and that prevent us from even noticing that He loves us.  THAT is what Lent is for - it prepares us for that scandalous, wondrous, LOVE affair called Easter. 

Maybe my kids don't yet grasp the Scandal of the Cross.  Maybe they don't fully understand the utter agony Christ suffered on our behalf.  But they ARE aware of His love for them.  They DO know that something awesome happened on Easter (and it doesn't have to do with a bunny, although I am sure he is coming again this year).  As they get older they will understand more fully, and we will make new traditions.  For now though, I am happy that as we embark on these 40 days, my little ones will be giving it their all and trying their best to fill up that Sacrifice Jar! 

Its not always easy to be on the ball looking for the teachable moments and taking the opportunities to show them God's Love.  But these days, when their characters and consciences are forming, when they are developing habits for the Liturgical Year, are too important to waste.  All too soon they will be grown and have their own Lenten Traditions.  So until then I will be happy to hear more about "Punch-less Pilot" and hear my 4  year old imitate the "weeping women of Jerusalem"  (apparently they say "weep weep weep weep").  And I will secretly watch as they raise their stuffed animals from the dead and crucify half naked G.I Joes.  They are "getting it" and more importantly, in their own way, they are opening their hearts to the Love that pours forth from the Cross.  THAT, my friends, is pretty awesome.

May you all have a Blessed Lenten Season as you look forward to the Joy of Easter.

Waiting and Hoping

I'm sitting here with a jumble of thoughts.  Its been a while since I have been able to post and I am happy to do so once again.  Really there are so many things that I could talk about but I think for now I will settle on my Advent Musings, as Christmas is a few days away and I have much on my heart and mind.

Since my last post this summer a lot has happened.  I started working for  Presidential Campaign, ended up working for a different one, got pregnant, delivered a tiny baby boy after he had ceased to have a heartbeat at 13 weeks, suffered very serious complications, faced death no less than three times in 10 days, and discovered how truly blessed I am.

Sure we are still broke, we are constantly too low on fire wood to heat the house, and I am still recovering and this is going to be our leanest Christmas yet, but I know I am blessed, and I need to count those blessings. 



This last week of Advent has seemed purely purgatorial for so many people who are dear to me.  I am not exaggerating!!  Its as if God decided to allow an awful lot of suffering before He brings His Peace and Mercy and Christmas. 

This makes me ponder what it must have been like to have lived before the first Christmas.  What must it have been like to have been waiting for a Savior and not know when He would come?  What must it have been like to have been in captivity, in slavery, wandering a desert, living under a brutal king, all the while WAITING for the One who was to come?

How lucky we are that we KNOW there is a Christmas.  We KNOW that our Savior came, and that He comes anew at Christmas time.  What Hope we have because of this knowledge, and how blessed that we can have that Hope.  A secure Hope. 

Isn't that what Christmas is about?  Hope.  Real hope.  A tiny baby came to save us all.  God loved us so much that He allowed Himself to become man, and God the Father gave us His only Son, knowing He would suffer.  For us.  That is the truest form of love there is. The Love of God for His Son and for us - His children.  That should give us enormous Hope for whatever we are facing - and I know so many are facing so much. 

This end of Advent leaves me waiting for good news from several hospitals where family and friends are spending the Holiday this year.  It leaves me hoping doctors appointments, breathing treatments, and surgeries are successful.  It leaves me waiting.  And hoping.  And knowing that on Sunday we will celebrate the reality that Christ came.  He came whether we were ready or not.  He came in the middle of every day life.  He came quietly and changed the world.  He came for you and for me.  And He will never abandon us.

So this last week of Advent I anticipate and I wait and I Hope.  Really, when you think about it, that just about sums up Advent.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Recently I have begun to reflect upon the impact of ugliness on our children.  No, I am not talking about a person who may not meet our cultural standards of "prettiness" or "handsomeness."  I am referring to ugliness as the opposite of beauty. In a more philosophical sense.  I know, I know, this is a Mommy blog, and I am attempting to write on philosophy - perhaps a grand undertaking considering that I will write this amidst the chaos of a semi-clean house (but hey, I'm OK with that now...see the previous post!), and diaper changing, and meal preparing, and homeschooling, but I can give it a shot!  You see, its an important thing to consider as parents.  Beauty and ugliness; bear with me as I dive into the filed away lessons I learned in my college philosophy classes!

Beauty has long represented that which is good.  It is a metaphor for goodness, and since God is good, we can say that true beauty also points us towards God.  Now, lets be clear about what beauty is and is not here.  Beauty is not what our culture refers to as "hotness."  Its not superficial.  The beauty I am referring to is what you witness when you see a magnificent sunset, a gorgeous garden, something that takes your breathe away and leaves you in awe and wonder, something that brings you peace and happiness - even if just for a moment.  Like how my husband feels when he gets his first glimpse of me in the morning...OK, maybe not.

Beauty is hard to quantify, hard to define, but we all know true beauty when we see it, and if our hearts are right, we can recognize God as the beginning and end of the beauty.  Take a sunset.  When we witness a breathtaking sunset, we can recognize God as the artist of such a sunset.  We can also recognize His love for us - for Who else but a loving Father would create such beauty simply to make us happy.  God is a show off.  He loves to show us how much He loves us, and beauty is one of the ways He does this.  Nature is full of Beauty - just look at the sky, a garden or a single perfect rose.  Art conveys to us beauty - both in nature and in the human form.  Don't get me wrong, seeing a beautiful man or woman can in fact draw you closer to God - not tainted by lust or jealousy - the human being is created in His Image after all!  God created beauty - in nature, in persons, so that we could get a glimpse of Him and His love.

Conversely, ugliness has traditionally been a metaphor for evil.  If beauty points us towards God and His love, ugliness does the exact opposite.  If God is the end of Beauty, than Satan and his evil is the end of true ugliness.  Now let us also be clear on what ugliness is.  Ugliness is the absence of beauty.  It too is not superficial.  It is deeply rooted anti-good.  Our language here gets in the way or our understanding.  Generally when we say something is "ugly" we are simply referring to it being not nice to look at; but real ugliness is much deeper than that.  It is the antithesis of goodness and beauty, directing us away from God.  If beauty is the metaphor for good, than ugliness is the metaphor for evil.

Why am I bothering to bring this up on blog for moms?  Because we have a responsibility to teach our children how to recognize beauty and ugliness, good and evil.  I believe that this task has become much more difficult, even since the time that we ourselves were children.

Nowadays there are so many confusing messages about what is good and beautiful, and what is bad and ugly.  These messages come packaged in books and movies, TV shows, magazines, fads, and fashion.  I may sound like I am pining for the bygone days (or even for an earlier era in which I did not live) but things used to be much more cut and dry.  Think of some of the old children's books, and their illustrations - "Goldenbook" selections for example, and books illustrated by Eloise Wilkin, or old movies and their imagery or animation, or think of the appropriate clothing for different occasions.  There is a huge difference!

Let's take a closer look at a few examples to help me make my point:  One of my favorite examples is the story of Sleeping Beauty.   Let's use Disney's "animated classic" for our example since its most likely that we've all seen it.  In that movie we are shown very clear depictions of good and evil.  Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty) is beautiful - not only does she have flowing hair and lovely features, but she is gentle,  kind, generous, sweet, and loving - in short, she is virtuous.  You see, her beauty is a metaphor for her goodness.  Scenes involving her include cheerful happy backgrounds, or a beautiful forest.  The Prince who eventually rescues her is handsome (masculine word for beautiful) and brave - and literally given the sword of Truth and the Shield of Virtue.  On the other hand, Maleficent, the evil nemesis, is ugly.  There is nothing beautiful about her.  Even her voice is given a timbre that is displeasing.  Whereas Sleeping Beauty's castle is lovely, Maleficent's Castle is ugly and dark.  Her cohorts are gargoyle-esque, and deformed.  There is nothing pleasing or even remotely beautiful about her or anything associated with her.  This disparity is purposeful.  This type of illustration clearly defines what and who is good and who and what is evil.  A child watching the movie may not understand all the metaphors or symbolism, but he or she will easily identify who the "good guys" are and who the "bad guys" are.

This clear cut good vs. evil is important for children, because they see the world in a very black and white way.  They are still forming their consciences, their own understanding of good and evil.  Seeing this played out in literature, on the screen, and even in more subtle ways in modern media can help a child to internalize and understand that there are some things that are always good, and some things that are always evil.  Learning how to identify these things helps a child to grow in to a virtuous adult with a well formed character.  Older children can be exposed to this obvious and healthy juxtaposition in  C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, and J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Ring's Trilogy and The Hobbit.

On a more subtle level, being exposed to beauty helps a child to develop an appreciation for real beauty - and likewise, an abhorrence to counterfeit beauty.  Do you want your son to grow up respecting women and not treating them as objects?  Expose him to real beauty.  So many young men and boys fall victim to pornography and promiscuity because there is something in them that is yearning for beauty - and yearning for the the God of that beauty.  Do you want your daughter to dress appropriately and not flaunt her beauty in a worldly way?  Expose her to true beauty.  Remember that beauty always points towards God.  If a child is never exposed to this Truth, never experiences the whisper of God in something beautiful,  he or she will search for  this Truth in all the wrong places.

Beauty and ugliness are also metaphors for right and wrong.  For ages stories about right and wrong - lessons - have been cloaked in the disguise of fairy tales, folklore and stories.  In so much classic children's literature the brilliant illustrations clearly depict good and evil, right and wrong, using illustrative and literary techniques that make the good and right beautiful and pleasing to look at, and the wrong and evil disfigured and grotesque.  Once again this is an effective way that children are exposed to the ideas of right and wrong, good and evil.

Now take some of the modern day media and literature that our children are exposed to.  While there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with it, we should pay close attention to the subtle messages that  are being sent.  Some parents may think I am being too paranoid here, and some may take issue with my assessment of certain TV shows and books, but I stand by my assertion that there is a war for our children's hearts and minds, and this war is waged by the Father of Lies - who would like nothing more than to corrupt our children and confuse them from their infancy.

Have you noticed that some TV shows for children are just plain weird?  I mean terrible animation with strange multi-colored (as in purple and pink and green) characters with disproportionately sized body parts- even though they are supposed to human?  Other TV shows have unidentifiable characters - human-esque, but not quite.  These images are jarring and confusing to children.  We write them off as entertaining, but I fear that they can actually be moor damaging than that.  Jarring and ugly media desensitizes children to true ugliness.  It preps them for accepting more and more twisted and grotesque images, which in turn desensitizes them to true wrongness and evil.

This is actually one of the cautions I have for parents who allow their children to read and watch titles from both the Harry Potter and Twilight series.   Its also the basis for the objection that I have to titles that depict dragons - a classic metaphor for Satan - as friendly and helpful, and ugly, disfigured witches as "good"  (Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz would be an exception because she looks more like a Fairy Godmother than a witch).  I  may sound nit-picky, but left unchecked, this type of literature and movie media  can plant seeds of confusion and doubt in impressionable minds.  Consider this excerpt from a review of Harry Potter (the full review is linked to below and I strongly encourage you to read it!):

On the surface, the Harry Potter tales fit right in with Goosebumps, Rugrats, and that gooey cerebral-like matter designed for throwing upon walls. Yes, pre-pubescent boys, especially, can think this stuff is pretty neat, hence there is a huge market for it. But if we want our children to love truth, goodness and beauty, then why are we buying them products that encourage their tendencies toward the grotesque? Of course, all great literature illustrates the dark side of human existence; however, the best authors do not intend darkness itself as entertainment. Like shadows in a landscape that make the bright spots all the more brighter, evil in fiction should serve as a contrast to the good. Perversely, Rowling presents her dismal world of the occult as a circus. Worse than that, she offers it as a desirable alternative to her caricature of normalcy.... I nevertheless consider her smorgasbord of magic, yuck, and gore an unfitting package for the truth. Moreover, her stories create the impression that some of us, like Potter and Dumbledore, could learn to handle occult powers and wield them for good. This is a grave error, for our intentions, however noble, cannot transform an objective evil into a good.(a)


And this review also lnked to in full below:


One of the greatest problems of the Harry Potter craze, as I see it, is the tremendous confusion between good and evil it is bound to generate among the youth, especially in the already-relativized ambience of our days. Children not only need absolutes, but seek them. (b)

As parents we have enough trouble from the continuous cultural bombardment that our families are under - constantly seeking to erode and undermine our values and beliefs.  Its too easy to assume that planting the kids in front of a "children's TV show" or letting them stay up late to read "children's or young adult literature" is safe and not deserving of our scrutiny; and honestly wouldn't it be nice to have something that we didn't need to be wary of once in a while?  But the Truth of the matter is that its our job - its our vocation - to guide our children's tastes and to limit what they can and can't consume when it comes to movies, books, and such.  They may balk, they may complain, but they will never doubt that you love them or that you have their Eternal interests at heart.

When I am faced with a situation in which my kids want to watch or read something that I object to on the ground that we have just discussed, I take the opportunity to explain to them my reasons why I object.  They may be young, but they grasp the Biblical exhortation of Pillipians 4:18:

"Finally brothers, [sisters] whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is GRACIOUS,  if there is any EXCELLENCE and if there is anything worthy of PRAISE,  think about these things. " 

I use this quote to help my children understand that everything we do should help us to love God more - even when we are doing something leisurely.  "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17).   It is helpful to introduce children, even young ones, to the idea that we should seek to please God with all of our actions - even when we are "just watching TV."  If something we are watching seems to be "too confusing" and makes it difficult for us to decide who is acting like they love God, perhaps its not worthy of our attention.  

It takes some time, but if your kids are anything like mine they will take to this line of thinking with zeal (and occasionally go overboard!).  We even have a list of perfectly harmless songs that my oldest son and daughter have deemed "fresh" just because of the sound of music!  (Fresh is our family word for 'rude' or 'sassy' or 'inappropriate.')  As they get older I am not necessarily opposed to allowing them to read what I consider to be more 'questionable' titles (whatever the Harry Potter and Twilight of the next generation may be) as long as we discuss them together, so we can decide what literary devices hold true God's Truth about beauty, and as long as they have by then developed the critical thinking and analytical skills necessary to identify the disparities in what they are reading or watching.  In other words, when they have formed their consciences and grown up enough to notice for themselves the obvious incongruence that may be present in what they are reading.  

For now though, my kids are young sponges,  and  they see the world as being very cut and dry.  I believe it is my duty to protect their innocence, and to help them firmly establish their understanding of right and wrong before exposing them to literature and media that may undermine my efforts to help them form their consciences.  If you feel the same way, navigating the TV, internet, and book stores can seem daunting.  I  have compiled a short list below of some resources and tips that you may find helpful:


**Update**  You may dismayed to check out this excellent blog post about the latest creepy (and totally inappropriate!) girl's toys.  Think Bratz dolls - undead.  Serisouly.
http://storiesforthehomeschoolheart.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/ugly-girls/#comment-128

For Reviews on Movies, TV shows, music and more with a Christian Perspective:

http://www.pluggedin.com/


Catholic Kids Shows:
http://www.ewtn.com/tv/kids/index.asp

*Stay away from the Tolkien rip-offs that are really just cheap "fantasy" that are rife with confusing messages about good and evil.  Tolkien's works are so magnificent because they are a complete Christian allegory - and the imagery he uses very clearly depicts good and evil.

(a) Is Harry Potter Good for Our Kids? (Review quoted above) http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/arts/al0070.html


(b) Harry Potter and the Problem of Good and Evil (review quoted above) http://www.traditioninaction.org/HotTopics/d003ht.htm

Twilight for Catholics? http://catholicmediareview.blogspot.com/2008/12/twilight.html


Discussion on Moral Ambiguity of Twilight: http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=471332

Too Clean, or Not too Clean?

I have been ruminating on this topic for a while: cleaning.  Just thinking about cleaning makes my adrenaline pump - I am ready to conquer whatever obstacles that are preventing my home from being a pristine, clean paradise.  My eyes become little laser beams - beaming in on any small thing that is out of place, my muscles twitch - ready to be toned by the power of the vacuum and the weight of several bottles of cleaning spray.  In short, I LOVE a clean house.  Its my secret neuroses.  When everything is put away, when my floors are free of debris and clutter, my counter tops bare, the computer desk clear of everything BUT the computer and printer, the toy room neatly organized, the bathroom sparkling, the kitchen sink shiny and empty, and the table cloth hanging evenly off all 4 sides of the table, I can relax.  I don't relax very often.  I need to change that.

At first I thought maybe I could just pray to win the lottery and then I could contract out for a cleaning service - riiiiight.  Reality check.

Next I thought maybe I could train my children to become super-cleaners.  Uh-huh.

Then I fantasized about just throwing out almost everything, giving our home a sanitized, hotel room-esque feeling.....equally unrealistic.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps what I needed to do was to create some more realistic expectations as far as what "clean" means and how to achieve an acceptable (not unrealistic) level of clean without turning into "grumpy mommy."  "Grumpy Mommy" is what my kids call me when I am harping on them to "tidy up a bit."  (An euphemism for "dramatically altar the messy state of the house.")  Apparently "Grumpy Mommy" makes too many appearances.

I decided to begin my endeavor to come to some realistic, yet  relaxation conducive, expectations with some soul searching.  Why is it so important to me to have my house resemble an operating room?  Is is truly necessary to mine or anyone else's well-being that when one walks into my home they feel like they need to scrub up first?   I mean I love it when I go visit a friend, or to my parents home (I still have younger siblings in grade school), or really any home, and it looks lived in.  Meaning, not like Mary-Poppins-on-Speed just flew in and worked her magic.  In other words not like mine would look if I was having company.  Why is it I can completely relax in someone else's house when it is NOT freakishly clean, yet, I can't do that in my own home.  Why is it that I'd prefer to be in the other person's house? Surely that's not healthy!

I think the answer lies in my secret insecurity: if my house is not perfect, maybe other people will think I am not a good mom.  Shallow, perhaps. but that is at the crux of it.  I have four children here on earth,  two I can't wait to meet in Heaven, and have therefore been pregnant 6 times.  Each pregnancy brings more and more unasked-for "advice."  Namely, "You should stop.  You have too many children, how can you possibly keep up?"  and "You're going to burn out with all those kids."  and my favorite, "the more children you have, the less likely you are to be a good mom to all of them."

After hearing these types of comments over and over again, perhaps I feel the need to prove them all wrong.  Maybe I am afraid that if someone catches me with a messy house, then I have some how failed - just as predicted by the big-mouthed, but well-meaning naysayers.  So I exhaust myself fighting a losing battle, more like June Cleaver on crack, desperately trying to "prove" I am a good mother by keeping my house as taintless and undefiled as is humanly impossible.  In doing so I actually end up more stressed out and much more of a "grumpy mommy."

Now, of course there is a rational part of me that knows better than to listen to ill-timed, and inaccurate advice.  But I suppose there is a little part of me that internalizes it, and is afraid.  This is the part of me that I need to get rid of.  Its time to be realistic, and not afraid of what others may think!

This epiphany of thought led me to thinking that perhaps I am not the only one who may feel like this.  Perhaps there are scores of other mothers out there who feel like they are constantly fighting an uphill - losing battle with their homes.  Sadly, our kids become the casualties.  Just because I am insecure because of my fear of being a failure, doesn't mean I have to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.  So I am blogging about my once secret neuroses - admitting my insecurity, and hoping that if one of you Mommies out there has similar thoughts, my soul searching might be of some assistance as you too struggle to come to terms with what is "too clean," and what is not "too clean."

In order to regain some sanity and still be able to relax in my own home, I needed to come to some internal understandings.  First, I needed to really grasp the truth that I have 4 small children underfoot.  This means that more often than not, my house is going to be in upheaval.  I don't know who said it first but its true that "trying to keep a house clean while raising small children is like trying to shovel snow in the middle of a blizzard." But I realize that this doesn't mean I can just let everything go either.  I have to somehow strike a balance between realistic, and unrealistic - too clean, and not too clean.  It also means it is my responsibility to instill in my little mess-makers a non-neurotic sense of cleanliness and orderliness.

The compromise is still in flux, but we have made good headway.  I have tried to structure the kids' days so that there are two designated "clean up times."  If they pick up their messes in a timely manner (before the 10 minute timer rings) they get a piece of fruit as a snack.  Clean up times are announced by the ringing of an alarm that has been pre-set.  This prevents "Grumpy Mommy" from rearing her ugly head.  I try to keep the timers set for the same times every day.  If we are having company we do a "big clean up."  This usually involves some sort of bribery.  I have named several different types of "clean ups."  There is the candy-clean -up, the sticker-clean-up, the stamp-clean-up, and the favorite - the whipped-cream-clean-up.  The names denote the reward associated with a successful clean up attempt.  After cleaning up each room the kids are rewarded by receiving a sticker, stamp, small piece of candy, or a squirt of whipped cream in their mouths.  I save these for times when the house has gotten completely out of hand (like after I spent 3 days in bed with the flu and poor Daddy had to hold down the fort!  or when I was away for a weekend giving a pro-life talk) or for when we are having company that has either a) never been to our house before (b) been to our house, but not for a long time (long time meaning at least 3 months) or (c) is a member of the clergy (because a priest acts in the Person of Christ, the Head, here on earth.).    The most important part of this compromise is the context in which I approach the cleaning, and how I explain it to my children.

Why do we clean up?  Instead of my neurotic "I must clean so I can prove I'm a good mother" paradigm, I have tried to embrace, and impart to my kids the idea that cleaning is a way in which we respect the things we have, and the house we have.  'Keeping the house clean is a way we can show we are thankful.  It is a way we show respect to each other and to God, to Whom we are thankful for all He has given us. If we don't "take care of" our things, we must not really care about them, and we should give them to children who would be more thankful for them.  "Taking care of our things" includes putting them where they belong when we are done with them.  If we don't put them away and leave them out or on the floor, they could get broken or lost. '  Amazingly, the more I explained this to my kids, the more I began to subscribe to it as well!  What a more balanced understanding of cleanliness!

As for guests, I explained to my intrepid cleaners hoping for whipped cream, that we want people to feel welcome when they come to visit.  If the house is super messy, they may not feel like we want them to visit us.  It may be embarrassing to them to come into our home with it really unclean.  Instead, we want guests to feel like we prepared for them - that we were willing to sacrifice a little and do a little extra cleaning because we are happy to have them come to our home.  I continued to explain that just as we get our hearts "cleaned up" for Jesus, so He feels welcome in our hearts, we get our house clean to make our neighbors feel welcome - because we should try to see Jesus in everyone's heart - and so when we welcome our neighbors, we are also welcoming Christ.  The first time I explained this I was a little skeptical.  I was still fighting my insecure, paranoid, neurosis and although I knew what I was saying was true and right, I didn't feel it, and I was afraid my kids would be indifferent.  Boy was I ecstatic when my kids immediately warmed to the idea that we should welcome each person into our home as though he or she were Christ.  Recognizing the "Jesus in everyone's heart" was something my kids took immediate liking too.  That day they did their best "clean up" ever  - and were rewarded with an extra squirt of whipped cream.  (I couldn't help myself - they were so excited to "see Jesus" in everyone and to show Him that He was welcome that I was beside myself with pride in their innocent mastery of a crucial part of being a Christian that I just heaped on the whipped cream!)

Happily for me, going through this explanation  a few times helped me to internalize it too.  It shifted my paradigm.  Cleaning my house shouldn't be for me.  My insecurity or need to prove myself is not the correct motivation for house cleaning.  Taking care of what we have, being thankful, and making others feel welcome, while seeing Christ in them - those are much healthier reasons to clean house.  And if my house doesn't look like a sterile hospital ward?  If our guests come and things aren't how I would have liked?  If the clean up alarm rings but its more important for me to pay attention to one of my kids, or meet a need that one of them has, it doesn't mean that I am not a good mother.  It doesn't mean that I failed.  It means that I did my best, but I have little children who need a non-Grumpy Mommy more than they need June Cleaver on crack.   It means that I have done what is most important for my kids - tried to give them a healthy understanding of cleanliness, and showed them that sometimes its OK not "too clean."

Of Babies and Blessings

This had been a Christmas Season of Blessings and Lessons.  Heartache and Peace.  Nothing went as planned, but why should that surprise us?  I doubt that had Mary and Joseph been able to plan they would have elected to travel by donkey to a small town while Mary was 9 months pregnant just to appease some ego-centric Roman demi-god.

"'For your thoughts are not My thoughts, neither are your ways, My ways," says the Lord"(Isaiah 55"8).

"For I know well the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "Plans to give you a future full of hope.  When you call Me, When you go to pray to me, I will listen to you.  When you look for me, you will find me.  When you seek me with all your heart, you will find me," says the Lord" (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

These words revealed to the prophets ages ago are still so relevant to us today.  God is so hard to understand sometimes, and yet, He blesses us.  He takes care of us.  He comforts us.  He gives us Joy.   Sometimes that Joy comes wrapped up in a bundle of blankets with a button nose and tiny little mouth and eyes.  Sometimes that Joy comes from surrendering to God and giving Him a new soul for Heaven.

This Christmas has given me so much to ponder.  The Advent Season began with my husband and I worried that Santa wouldn't be able to afford Christmas.  Yet, we had Faith and prayed that God would provide us what we would need to let our children have a happy Christmas.  We got so much more than that.  God continues to outdo Himself in generosity and this year He used so many people in our lives to touch us with His love and His Goodness.  So many people have blessed us with their generosity this Christmas - from a dear friend and "anonymous benefactor" who sent us Christmas gifts, beautifully wrapped for Christmas Day - all without us knowing about it! - to family members who unexpectedly sent Christmas money - to neighbors who gave away toys that looked like new - we had more than we ever dreamed of for the kids on Christmas Day.

We felt so incredibly humbled.  So undeserving.  What had we done?   Yet, isn't that the crux of Christmas?   We didn't DO anything to make God send us our Savior.  In fact the only thing we had done is sin. Turn away from Him, and yet He sent His only Son - His Gift to us - so that we might share Eternal Life with Him.  What a gift!  What Love!

This Christmas message was brought home to me in such a real way this year.  Just before Christmas my husband and I found ourselves overjoyed at the reality of a new little life.  I was pregnant!  We knew the kids would be so excited and waited until Christmas to tell them.  Seeing the pure Joy on their faces taught me more than anything what is truly important.  The things we so often value - the presents and "stuff" we accrue for ourselves on Christmas pale in comparison to the truly miraculous gift of a new life - a new soul destined to live for Eternity.   I pondered this for some time on Christmas and the days after.  I felt so blessed to have this new paradigm in which to see my pregnancy.  For the first time I wasn't afraid of what others might think of the fact that I was pregnant again.  I wasn't looking forward to the morning sickness or labor, but I could not shake the conviction that despite what society, or even well-intentioned but confused passersby might think about my largish family, I was blessed.  Babies are pure blessing.  They aren't a spread sheet - measuring the pros and cons, costs and benefits. They are a gift, pure and simple.

Imagine the sadness that came to our family on New Years Day when I, after a long day at the Emergency Room, learned that we were never to hold this little life.  Never to meet him.   He had gone Home to be with the One who created him.  The sadness came crashing in on me as I went to the Grave of our stillborn daughter, Claire, who has been buried there since the end of August.  I sat there in the cold and cried.  I cried for her and I cried for my son who was with us for such a short time.  I cried for my children at home, who I felt were deprived of another sibling to love.  I cried for myself, my arms longing to hold a little squirmy bundle of Joy.  Then my heart quieted.  Peace entered.  I dried my tears and asked my Heavenly Saints - my children - to pray for me.  I told them I loved them.  I asked God to help me understand.  Then I heard it.  Not a voice, but a whisper, spoken to my heart.  "Thank you."

As I drove home I pondered over this "thank you."  For what?  I kept asking myself.   When I got home I pushed it aside as my husband and I had to break the news to our children.  I hardly heard myself as I told them that "Baby Bubbles" went to be with Claire.  I told them that we named him Francis Talbot, because of a dream I had.  Their sad faces nearly broke my heart again.  My daughter, who is my oldest child at home, cried and told me how sad she was.  Then she stopped crying and said, "Well, now Claire has somebody to play with.  That is special."  She proceeded to talk to Baby Francis and tell him that she loved him.  How silly I felt thinking that they were deprived of siblings to love.  They love their heavenly sister and brother! Then my daughter looked at me and said, "Well, now I know what I am asking for on my birthday!  A new baby!"  I smiled at her innocence, at her beautiful understanding of life and death.

It wasn't until I received an email from a dear friend that I really thought about what my daughter had said.  My friend said to me that I had given Claire a sibling to be with her.  They would be together glorifying God, watching over our family, and waiting for us to meet them in Heaven.  Then it hit me.  The "thank you" whispered to my heart, what I had told my children, what my daughter said to me, echoed in the email from my friend.

God had indeed given me a very special gift this Christmas.  He truly taught me to Love as He Loves,  He gave me the gift of a life, and asked for that gift back.  This Christmas God allowed me to give a gift to Heaven.  What a blessed peace this realization gave me.  What a gift.  

I still miss my little Francis, just as I miss my baby Claire.  Yet I have such a sense of peace, that I  know I am blessed.  Many people would look at my little family this Christmas and shake their heads in pity - in the span of 2 weeks our only car broke down and died, the flu went through our family, all our Christmas plans were thwarted, we nearly hit the red in the bank account, still are without a car, and then we lost baby Francis.   Yet all I feel is blessed.  All I feel is Peace.

Little Francis Talbot came to us, and brought with him Peace.  In his short time with us, and through his death he taught us a lesson about Christmas, about God's love, and about Life that is more important than   the little worries and inconveniences that we face.  It may sound absurd to those without Faith, but despite the trials and sadness that have confronted us this Christmas, I am thankful.  I am thankful for the unexpected, and thankful for the beautiful gift of Francis Talbot's life.  I am thankful, and I am blessed.  

Heroic Virtue?

Motherhood requires heroic virtue.  I've heard more than one well respected Catholic thinker/speaker/writer types repeat this mantra.  It usually makes me shudder.  Heroic virtue?  Seriously?  Couldn't God have made things a little easier on us poor schlubs out here?  Not that I am a schlub.  I am really an incredibly attractive mother of 5 who looks the same as I did when I graduated High School - skinny and toned, with hair that would make Jennifer Aniston jealous, immaculately groomed eye brows, eyes that sparkle with a well-rested glow, a wardrobe to put Miss America to shame and an overall demeanor that purrs with peacefulness, calm, control, and quiet intelligence.  Then I wake up.  An I realize that I'm probably closer to schlub material.  Especially on days when I am sleep deprived (which is distressingly often), sick, or my kids are sick, or both.

So heroic virtue, huh?  See, when I think of this phrase I immediately picture the young Virgin Martyrs - St. Maria Goretti, St. Philomena, St. Lucy - staring piously and angelically up to Heaven while meeting their mortal demise.  Or I think of St. Francis jumping into a thorn bush to beat back his own concupiscence.  Or John de Brebeuf, Isaac Jogues and the other North American Missionary Martyrs who met horrible tortured deaths - and some with great humor!  To me these are the men and women of Heroic Virtue, not little ol' schlubby me who can barely make it through some days without wishing I could have a toddler-style meltdown of my own.  And yet, I am called to heroic virtue.  We are called to heroic virtue.

So what is it exactly?  And how do I get it?  Can I just order up some 'heroic virtue' during prayer time and hope for the best?  Unfortunately it has been my experience that you just don't "get it" (unless you are one of the rare and blessed people to have a blinding"Saul-to-Paul" moment of extreme Grace).  Nope, for most of us schlubs out here in Mommyland Heroic Virtue is cultivated and practiced.  That means when your first little blessing is born you get extra Mommy Grace, and then well, you grow and tone your virtue muscles much like you tone those never-been-used-before-muscles that hold up the baby's head while he or she rests in your arms for hours because you're afraid to put him or her down.  Virtue is a "good spiritual habit" and just like other good habits its learned.  This is good news for those of us who shudder at the sound of it - we can achieve Heroic Virtue!  The not so good news is that its not exactly going to be a piece of cake.  Then again, nothing heroic ever is.

Maybe, though, this can give us a different perspective during those hard to handle Mommy times.  Chances are you more heroic than you think!  What else but heroic is calmly walking and bouncing a colicky newborn for 3 or 4 hours?  What else but heroic is staying up all night with a feverish child, and then handling the next day like you aren't completely sleep deprived?  What else but heroic is getting very little sleep for months on end, and not drinking caffeine because your need-to-eat-every-2-hours baby can't handle it?  What else but heroic is driving all over town bringing your kids to practices and rehearsals, lessons, and classes, and still having a hot meal for them at dinner time?  What else but heroic is welcoming a new life into your family, even though the world tells you to stop at 2 kids?  What else but heroic is listening to the entire  Disney Princess Sing Along CD for the 7th time in a row instead of the news in the car?  What else but heroic is the task of making sure Santa Claus makes it your house this year, and the Easter Bunny doesn't miss your door?  What else but heroic is coming home from date night 2 hours early because little "Johnny" had a nightmare and needs a Mommy hug?  What else but heroic is watching PG movies and TV shows (pretty hard to do these days) even after the kids go to bed because you know that your kids will try to listen or get a peak at the screen?  What else but heroic is reading that same book at bedtime for 4 months in a row, with the same amount of enthusiasm as the first time you read it?  What else but heroic is tackling piles of laundry daily, so your kids have clean clothes to wear?  What else but truly heroic is forming your children's consciences, helping them to become the men and women God created them to be?

You maybe thinking, but this is just what us moms do.  Well, yes, it is, but doing those things (and really I just scratched the surface) with love in your heart, a smile on your face, and without bitterness or resentment - that, dear friend, is heroic.

For years the Church recognized very few married men and women as Saints, but during the Pontificate of Pope John Paul II, more lay Saints were canonized than in much of recent Church history.  Pope John Paul II wanted to give us Saintly examples of men and women just like us who exercised "Heroic Virtue" in every day life.  (For a list of all those who were Canonized under John Paul II, and their biographies, see http://www.vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/index_saints_en.html )

Dear friend, you are a mother, and that means you are called to be a hero.  You have been given the tremendous task of raising up Children of the Light.  You have been given the Grace from the Father of of All to exercise Heroic Virtue in your every day family life.  It is my prayer that you will draw strength from the knowledge that you can and do have this saintly calling.  Your children and the world need your strength, patience, courage, modesty, perseverance, temperance, prudence, justice, faith, hope, and love.  This Advent may you grow in God's love and Grace so that you may truly embrace your heroic calling.  God Bless you, Mom!

**I would like to dedicate this post to all the beautiful, heroic women whom I have been blessed to have encountered in my life.  Most notably my own mother, my mother-in-law, my dear friends, and the women of the Confraternity of Christian Mothers and Holy Family Home Schoolers of Sacred Heart, Winchester.  Your examples touch the lives of more than just your children, and I am privileged to know you.