Sarah Therese

As any of you who have read this blog before probably know, I make many more re-birth announcements than I ever thought I would. 

Way back when I started this blog I thought I would chronicle fun and moving stories of how we were growing our family.  I never imagined it would turn out so differently, or that we would be growing our family - in Heaven.  Yet, here I am again, wanting to relate the blessed and sad, the death and Heavenly life of another precious little one who has gone Home to wait for us In Eternity. 

I realize that many of you didn't even know I was expecting again as we kept it quiet and were only just starting to tell people.   

It was another traumatic experience however I have so much peace. I want to, in a special way, thank St. Philomena for her intercession and I know she was close by me during this time. 

On Monday, June 10, 2013,  I started to think things weren't right with the baby (though I had a nagging intuition for a while before that). I went to the ER after experiencing some troubling cramps and asked my husband to prepare the kids just in case.  At the ER it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat or movement and that the baby had not developed much beyond 10 weeks.  ( I was technically 12 weeks on Monday).  I explained the situation to the ER doc and my past history.  He was the SAME ONE who gave me such a hard time when we lost Claire.  I prayed for him.  He was much mellower this time and didn't make any comments that were hurtful.  Thank you, God. 

The whole time I kept praying "I trust You.  I Trust You." and I asked Jesus to allow me to surrender to suffering that He may send.  St Philomena's intercession was very evident as she made it clear several weeks ago that she would like to be a special player in my family's journey towards Holiness.  (I have had  a devotion to her since I was in High School).  Unfortunately the doctors figured they knew better than I did so they sent me home.  I knew from past experience I had at least 12 hours before things would get more dicey so I went home at 1am.  The next morning I was up by 6am and calling my OB.  He had off that day and I was instructed by the staff to wait until Wednesday morning for a D & C.  I calmly explained that I had no reason to believe my body would wait that long.  (And honestly, a D & C, while safer for my condition, is not ideal as I prefer to baptize and anoint my children.)  I was told by an irate nurse to "just go back to the ER then."   I abandoned the situation to God, praying over and over "Jesus I surrender to You completely, take care of everything"   and I headed back to the ER.  My dear friend, you know her as "Doula-Bestie-Extraordinaire", who was with me for all the trauma with Lolek's loss (she was literally measuring cups of blood as I hemorrhaged) met me at the ER. By now I felt as though I was in early labor in earnest. 

Thankfully after about 2 hours in the waiting room a Tech-Assistant whom I had befriended last time I was in the ER (a few weeks ago for a suspected DVT - it was not! ) recognized me.  He came out to see why  I was there.  I explained the situation.  He disappeared and 5 minutes later returned with a wheelchair. "You shouldn't be out here" he said and he told me he found me a room with the "really good doctor who listens."  What a blessing!!!  He was right too.  She (the doctor) is the first who has EVER listened and grasped my situation.  After explaining everything to her she responded by saying, "There is no way I can send you home."  I was so relieved I thanked her for understanding and for listening to me and burst into tears. 

She arranged with the OB on call to find me a room for observation to stay in until the scheduled surgery, should I somehow make it that long.  I waited for 13 hours (DBE and I managed to find creative ways to entertain ourselves!)  in the ER before a room on the pre-surgical unit was secured.  They gave me morphine which slowed the progression of labor.  I was of course not allowed to eat but I snuck some water.  At 9pm I was moved to the pre-surgical unit for "observation."  I explained to the nurse what to expect and let her know that I was progressing more rapidly and doubted I'd make it to the morning.  She looked slightly concerned as she wasn't an L & D nurse and had limited mother/baby experience.  By 1am I was extremely uncomfortable.  I decided worrying was useless and once again abandoned the situation to God.  I was prepared to deliver my baby, I had all my baptismal supplies and a small box for her body.  But if God so chose, I was ready for the D & C and would be at peace with it.  I Trusted His Providence.  I was able to sleep for half an hour.  Then my water broke and I knew what was to come. 

I will spare you the gory details.  Lets just say, I delivered Sarah's tiny perfect body.  Baptized and anointed her.  Kissed her and held her.  Then carefully, Doula-Bestie placed her in the little box.  Being the amazing Doula and friend that she is, she had spent the night with me. She donned gloves and prepared for the worst, which very shortly followed.  I talked the shell shocked nurse through what to do. (how many chux pads to get, what to expect, how I needed to be upright, that I would need a bag of fluid to help my BP and heart rate as I was already mildly tachycardic...   I hemorrhaged badly, as I expected.  I of course retained the placenta.  After a very short amount of time the nurse and the tech realized  I wasn't exaggerating about what I told them to expect and how bad it would get quickly.  They had to call the OB on call 3 times before they convinced him I didn't need to be "observed" and that I would in fact bleed to death unless he came in for an emergency D & C.  So after an hour I was finally brought down to the OR for the procedure. 

I am glad to say I retained my sense of humor through it all, and managed to make the nervous nurse and

tech laugh.  The nurse thanked me for "teaching her so much" and explained that she had no experience with "mother-baby" emergencies as she mostly dealt with patients who were there for bariatric surgery or occasionally a heart procedure.  Rarely did she get "real emergencies" like me.  I of course mashed on my uterus the entire time, knowing it would at least help with the clotting and hemorrhaging, and remembering that it also helps me to not pass out.  I am infinitely thankful for "DBE" who was helping with everything and helped to explain to the nurses what my situation was - as she witnessed it all first hand and close up the last time.  (But this time she could at least wear gloves and didn't have to call 9-1-1, I was already in the hospital!)

Eventually I was prepped and the anesthesiologist satisfied.  The OB showed up, I explained I had retained the placenta and would continue to hemorrhage.  I reminded them that I could not have Pitocin as it increased blood clot risk and asked to be given lovenox or heparin immediately following the surgery to prevent another PE.  They agreed. 

What happened next was quite a remarkable and blessed experience for me.  

All day I had been praying the Stations of the cross.  I love them.  I was wheeled into the OR but not put under immediately.  Instead, for some reason they prepped me while I was awake.  I was laid on the operating table, my arms were stretched out to either side and strapped down. I was strapped to the table.  My legs were stretched out in front of me.  I was unable to mash my uterus and felt myself bleeding even more uncontrollably.  I was in so much physical pain.  And then they removed my gown to put on all the monitors.  I lay there, in the shape of a cross, bleeding, naked, and in pain.  I was so moved all I could pray was "Thank you."  Finally they brought the anesthesia over and I was put to sleep.  Is it possible to be facing ones mortality (yet again!) and yet feel privileged?  Because in that moment, as crazy as it sounds, that is what I felt. 

When it was all over I was given my lovenox, it was confirmed I had retained the placenta.  I was eventually brought back  upstairs.  I slept a little and woke up to call the Funeral Home. I was able to sleep holding Sarah's box.  I made sure to keep her body moist.  The wonderful Funeral director came to take her body and I spoke with him for a while.  He has managed all our babies' burial services and is so kind and compassionate.  I cried healthy, sad tears of finality as I handed her to him and he and his wife left my room.  

I am now home recovering.  I am more sore and in more pain now, as I am experiencing the effects of the surgery -  they seem to have positioned my legs badly and I have torn and pulled muscled in my thighs and bruises on my arms where they strapped me too tight.  I have shortness of breathe upon walking even a few steps, and dizziness which will wane as I build back my blood supply.  After having not eaten for 36 hours I am gaining my appetite back.  I am very pleased to say it has been 48 hours post hemorrhage and I have not thrown a clot.  I thank God and St Philomena for her intercession!

I  feel as though I should be falling apart.  But I am not.  I recognize that I miss my baby and have moments of healthy grief over my loss.  But early on in the pregnancy it occurred to me that I should not pray for her to be allowed to be born full term and alive, especially if that is not what God had planned for her.  Who am I to deny any of my children Heaven?! So instead I prayed that God's Will be accomplished and that I be given the Grace to accept it, whatever it would be.  I believe He answered those prayers tenfold. 

I can see His Hand at work in all the circumstances surrounding Sarah's delivery and death, and in the way I was allowed to suffer, without the fear I thought I would face.  

I am human, and find myself battling fear of another Pulmonary Embolism every so often, and dealing with some hormone-induced anxiety whenever I get short of breathe, but that is nothing compared to what I think many people expect me to me experiencing.  (and after my PE I have found that a level of anxiety associated with symptoms and past experiences is normal.  So I can recognize it for what it is and move on).

I can only attribute it to God's goodness and His Mercy and to St Philomena's help and I praise God for His goodness. 

Some links you may find of interest after reading this story: 

St. Philomena - story and devotion 

Novena of Surrender to the Will of God

Where all our babies' Names are inscribed - The Book of Life

Some Thoughts About Mary

"May is the month of our mothers."  I remember reading this when I was in First Grade, right before our First Friday Mass for the month of May began.  I had been practicing for weeks.  I was the student who was chosen to read the before-Mass meditation.  Every year it was the same, "May is the Month of our Mothers."   Every May this same sentence runs through my head.  So I figure its an appropriate time to write a bit about Mary.

I've had two rather profound (if I do say so myself) thoughts about the Blessed Mother that I shall share for your own discernment and prayer.

Mary, until lately has been difficult for me to relate to.  Until my rather dramatic experience when she truly became my Heavenly Mother I honestly didn't even much try to understand her.  It was losing Claire and then losing Lolek that really brought me into a much deeper relationship with her, and has given me a much greater understanding of her.  I was pondering Mary once again as I was praying last night.  I was recalling how whenever I am pregnant (which if you read this blog you know is actually quite often!) I start to feel distant from Mary.  I began to prayerfully explore this.  Then it was as if a veil was lifted and I was given such a profound understanding - one I had never had before!  I realized that pregnancy always made me feel distant from Mary because, according to St Bridget and to theologians, Mary did not experience your "typical" pregnancy.  Being free from original sin, she therefore did not experience the physical effects of it - such as the pain in childbearing etc.  In fact according to the Revelations of St. Bridget, Mary was basically in prayerful ecstasy when she delivered the Christ-Child.  This is NOT my experience of childbirth!  But Mary DID experience something far more profound.  In my prayer I saw Mary at the cross.  She was in pain. She was uniting her will to God's but she was in profound pain, "And a sword shall pierce your heart."  She was at the foot of the Cross looking up at Her Son.  She had just walked the Way of the Cross with Him and now she was surrendering Him to the Father.  "My child, I have labored and I have given birth to my Son who is now to enter Eternity." She said from the foot of the cross.  Of course!! Mary's life was one long "labor."

Often I have thought how labor and delivery so closely mirror the Paschal Mystery - the suffering, the dying to self, and the birth of a New Life.  Mary's whole life was the Paschal Mystery.  The Word became Flesh within her womb and she delivered the Savior.  She was told at the Temple that a "Sword would pierce her heart" and she carried with her for Jesus' whole life the knowledge that she wold suffer as she watched and loved her Son as He Redeemed the world.  Mary's whole life was about giving birth to our Salvation - not just at Christmas, but at the Cross.  What a profound insight! What a gift!  How incredibly small and insignificant my labors seem in comparison now.  What is a few hours compared to 33 years!?  I am in awe of our Lady.  I am humbled by this new understanding.

This new understanding and deeper regard for Our Lady came on the heels of yet another revelation about our Blessed Mother.

I have been earnestly walking down the prayerful road of Contemplative Prayer.  I have been reading St. John of the Cross and St. Theresa of Avila, and a book by Fr.  Dubay on Contemplative prayer.  It has been amazing and beautiful.  But I was stumped when it came to Mary.  Neither St. John nor St. Theresa really mentioned her.  Yet, Pope John Paul II, who is considered a great modern contemplative had a deep devotion to her, so I knew she had to fit in somewhere.  But how?

So I brought it my Spiritual Papa, Bl. John Paul II, and asked for his wisdom.  "Mary is the exemplary contemplative."  Umm..OK... but how?  "The indwelling of the Trinity was not only Spiritual for her, but physical."  Of course!  **Lightbulb**  That makes sense! Why didn't I think of that!?

Contemplative prayer is all about the union of the soul with the indwelling Trinity, a unity so profound it is as if there is a flow - a conduit open between the two.  It is a connection at once to Heaven, where the soul exists both within the person and yet in Heavenly reality, united with God.  Mary experienced this in the most physically profound way possible. Not only her soul, but her whole being was connected to the Godhead as Christ was growing within her.  Mary needed only to contemplate the baby she carried - as every mother does - and as she did she was at once united with Heaven in a deep and mysterious way.

This was a beautiful new understanding for me to ponder. It also gives me a different way in which to enter into contemplation.  How much practice my babies have given me already! Any mother can tell you that as soon as you see those pink or blue lines on the stick your very reality is changed forever.  You are constantly aware of a person inside you, that your body is not the same, and that you are not alone.  How similar this is to contemplative prayer - to being united with God even as you go about every day life.

 How thankful I am to Our Lady for allowing me to better understand her, and how grateful I am to Papa John Paul II for patiently teaching me about our Heavenly Mother.

I hope that maybe these small, humble insights will bring you closer to our Heavenly Family as well.

My Amazing, Crazy, Unpredictable, Blessed Life

It occurred to me that many of my posts have been about the crosses and sufferings that God has seen fit to send me.  I want you, happy reader, to get a fuller picture.  Yes, I have had what some would call "great suffering."  Yes, I have lost four babies, and buried two of them.  Yes I almost died.  Yes we have had our share of hard times, "for worses" and difficulties. Yes we are often times scraping bottom and relying on God to provide for us.  But there is SO much more.

My life is amazing.

I am extremely blessed to have no regrets.  OK, that's not entirely true.  I have one regret.  When I was to attend the Marine Corps Ball my dad and brother dropped me off.  They wanted to see the Marines.  I was in a silly state of mind - nervous and excited - and I did not pay attention to them.  I didn't realize that they were going to come into the hotel where the ball was held, and I went in ahead of them.  Then when I realized they were there and looking for me, I was already inside and being swept along into the ballroom.  I feel as though I ignored them and hope that I did not hurt my dad's feelings.  The thought of hurting his feelings makes me want to cry.

That's it. That's my regret.  Seriously. I have lived on this earth for about 30 years and I have one regret.

I have often made decisions that have bewildered friends and family.  Sometimes they didn't seem to make sense.  But I do not regret them. Quite the contrary.  I have lived my life - my whole life - as far back as I can remember - with the conviction that God loved me so much that He would show me how to live and what He made me for.  So when I felt He was leading me, I went.  No I ran. And I never looked back.  I prayed my way through school, through college, and into my vocation.  When I wasn't sure what God was asking of me I asked and asked and asked until I was certain.  Then I did it.  
Living like this didn't always make "sense" but to me it has never mattered. God points, I go.  And its an adventure!

I am so blessed to be able to to say that in living for Him and following Him, I have had the privilege of not only serving, but also living with women who faced a pregnancy crisis and their babies.  I have run retreats, and workshops in different states and Canada.  I have met members of the Curia, three, four and five star Generals and the Commandant of the Marine Corps.

I have given talks and speeches. Wined, dined, and rubbed elbows with Congressman and Senators and Governors.  I have ridden freight elevators with Presidential Candidates, have contacts in Government agencies, influenced the political process, drafted legislation, met and worked with amazing, dedicated people from across the country, and across the Atlantic.  I have become a respected Conservative Political Consultant, with a modest name ID.

I have been in the presence of Blessed John Paul II not once, but twice, stood in the Portiuncula in Assisi, and in the catacombs of Rome.  I have met priests and bishops from across the continent, and sisters from around the world.  I have had the ear of Bishops, the friendship of Theologians.  I have dined and relaxed with actors and actresses, celebrities, and celebrated personalities in the Pro-Life world.  I have been honored with recognition and thanks.

I have a husband who is in so many ways my hero.  He has overcome so very much, and is working so hard to be the man God created him to be.  It is a wild and crazy and blessed privileged to be along on the journey.

I have had four amazing, natural, midwife attended births - one of them at home.  I am proud of my femininity and my ability to  nurture New Life. I have 4 beautiful, wonderful, smart and confident children on earth.  I am able to homeschool them and watch them grow.  I have four darling intercessors in Heaven, my little ones who went Home to stretch our family into Eternity.  It is an honor to be the mother of saints.

I have traveled to the Caribbean, to Europe, and to Canada.  I have seen beauty in the mountains  the oceans, and the farmland.  I see God's artwork in the sky.  I have witnessed miracles and seen God's healing first hand.

I have the most incredible family and friends.

None of this I asked for.  None of it I sought.  It is purely and simply the result of following God, one leap of faith after another, where He would have me go and doing what He would have me do.

This life isn't easy. You've probably read enough of my posts to know that its sure has had its crosses and sufferings.  But it is still amazing.  Without the crosses and sufferings, I wouldn't be who I am today, nor would I have the relationship with Christ that I do today.  Following Him is an adventure - full of twists and turns and surprises.  It is not always easy, sometimes it hurts, but its always amazing, crazy, unpredictable, and blessed.

Here We Go Again - Bing Mary

When I first started this blog I was newly pregnant with Claire. I thought I would happily blog about the joys and trials of pregnancy and then about the adventure of having 5 and hopefully more children.  I was blissfully ignorant of the world of infant loss and miscarriage and naively assumed since my first 4 pregnancies were uneventful that all mine would be.  Boy was I wrong.

At that time my biggest fear in life was miscarriage.  I didn't know how anyone survived it.  Then Claire died and I learned that I was strong enough to hold my tiny baby in my hands and attend her burial service.  Then I figured she was my "1 in 5" - one in every five pregnancies statistically ends in miscarriage.  I felt relieved that I'd "never have to go through that again."  Until Francis.  He taught me that nothing was certain and that all life, even if very brief, is a gift to be thankful for, and that blessings can come in very unexpected ways.  I secretly hoped I was done with loss and pondered how "those women" - the ones with multiple losses - endure.  I pondered this until Lolek's death and all that I went through facing my own mortality squarely in the face.  Losing Lolek taught me how to surrender and quite simply changed the paradigm through which I view life, faith, prayer, and God's Will.

Imagine then how it felt to find out that despite doing everything spot on perfect as far as NFP and avoiding pregnancy goes, I felt when that faint blue line showed up on the EPT.  Thy Will be Done!  That was the prayer for the little one whom we named "Baby Bing."  Thy Will be Done.  Not please let this one live, or don't make me go through another loss again, nor I'll name the baby after a really cool saint if he or she can just live, or even, I've had enough suffering, God, can You please just let this be normal?  Simply Thy Will be Done, often with an added, and please help me be surrendered to Your Will, and only content to know that whatever comes of me or this pregnancy is what You want for my own sanctification. There is freedom in praying that way, and it took quite an ordeal to teach it to me.  I was happy and content to be pregnant again.

Of course it wasn't a piece of cake.  Thanks to Lolek and my subsequent PE I immediately needed to start injections (self administered) of blood thinners.  I couldn't use my beloved midwives and instead needed to use not only an OB/GYN but also a hematologist and internal medicine doctor  as well.  This is quite a sacrifice for a girl who does not like doctors (no offense - there are some fantastic ones!) and who thinks birth is a natural, normal event not usually requiring medical intervention.  Well, unfortunately I am the exception to that rule.  So it was off to the races and blood draws and early ultrasounds and doctor after doctor.

Through it all I made sure to make memories with this baby.  I didn't know how long I had with him under my heart, so I made a point to consciously make memories.  Bing and I did Christmas shopping together.  We spent Advent together, he was with us on our family outing to "Bethlehem" and the live Nativity.  I am so thankful that we made these memories because it was at one of the ultrasounds that it was determined that Baby Bing was not growing.  In fact he barely made it beyond implantation.   Bing was conceived and lived long enough to begin the whole process of developing what would be his gestational sac and placenta but he ceased to develop.  God wanted another soul.  This is called a "blighted ovum" in medical terms.  My body recognized pregnancy and since the sac continued to develop I endured 10 weeks of pregnancy and all the wonderful puking, nauseated, hormonal bliss associated with it.

Since I have a a very well documented history of almost dying after a loss I was advised to go for a D & C.  I was hesitant at first, wanting to make absolutely certain that a teeny baby wasn't "hiding."  (In early ultrasounds it IS possible to receive a blighted Ovum diagnosis only to see a baby a week or two later.  From my research this seems to happen about 40-50% of time depending on the date of the "diagnosing" ultrasound.)  After confirming that there was no longer a baby, and that the sac was losing its integrity, I agreed to do a D & C.  There was no baby to bury and I was hoping it might avoid some of the drama I had experienced in the past. Unfortunately that wasn't entirely the case.  Drama seems to be a specialty of mine.

While waiting to hear from the OB to schedule the procedure I cracked a tooth and needed emergency root canal surgery.  While in the endontist's chair, after having my mouth numbed and all the scary stuff that was to somehow fit in my mouth explained to me, I started cramping.  I excused myself and went to restroom.  Yes.  My body was beginning its miscarriage "labor."  I got myself as ready as possible and hurried back to the dentist's chair.  They continued with the root canal while I silently counted how long the contraction cramps lasted and prayed I wouldn't hemorrhage in his chair.  (Hemorrhaging is a specialty of mine.)  As soon as he was done (it took longer than planned as there were some complications - of course) I called my OB who wasn't there. So I headed to the ER as per her earlier instructions.  Once there I spoke with the OB who was filling in for her.  He did not understand, nor try to understand, my "special" circumstances and sent me home.  So I went to a different ER.  They were fantastic and understood right away why I was there.  They didn't want to have me come in after it was too late and need a transfusion (been there, done that!).  The magnificent doctor was prepping me for an emergency D & C.  Except it was midnight and the OB on call didn't want to come in.  In fact, he (or she) refused.  The ER doc valiantly tried to convince them otherwise.  To no end.  His hands were tied.  He was so frustrated and truly was concerned for my health.  "I don't want to see you back in here in an hour or two needing bags of blood."  I was grateful that he understood my situation.  But I had to leave.  I was scared.

I managed a few hours of sleep and called my OB's office as soon as it opened.  Thankfully she was back.  "Go to the ER NOW."  Were my instructions.  I refrained from grumbling "I tried that already!"  Doula Bestie Extraordinairre, who had spent the night with me in the second ER met me at my OB's hospital.  It was very nice.  They "got it."  They understood.  They knew exactly why I was there and why I should not be allowed to miscarry at home.  I felt better.  The ER doc dispensed with what he called "unnecessary exams" and got right to the point.  "No use waiting, we need to get you on the OR schedule and get your OB over here.  I'm on it!"  and he literally bounced out the door.  From then on they all knew I was a ticking time bomb.

The funny thing about miscarriage is that despite what doctors tell you, its childbirth. You have contractions, your body follows the same pattern it would if you were laboring to give birth to a healthy full term baby.  Everyone expects tons of blood and guts but that doesn't happen until your body is actually expelling the contents of the uterus  - and if your baby was far enough long, you will birth the baby first and then the rest - just like normal, healthy, childbirth.  Before that you will generally lose your mucus plug, then perhaps spot. But not much more.  Unfortunately its been my experience that miscarriage and second trimester loss contraction cramps are WORSE than the ones I endured giving birth to my live children.

I was offered pain meds.  They made me loopy and able to ignore the pain, but they didn't stop the pain.  The day wore on.  I hadn't eaten since 2pm the day before.  The contraction cramps were getting closer together and more intense.  Doula Bestie was keeping an eye on me. Eventually I was transferred to the pre-Op area and prepped for the procedure.  The contractions were right on top of one another.  It was a race against time, and if time ran out, well at least I was in a hospital   I knew what would happen - and it would not be pretty.  I was terrified of hemorrhaging.  Terrified.  I tried to pray Thy Will be Done, but its hard when you're scared.  And I was scared.  Eventually I gave up.  Hold my hand, Mama I prayed in my head. The last time I had been in the hospital Mary truly became my mother, and she helped me surrender.  I knew she could do it again.  I was increasingly uncomfortable - no rest or relief between contractions.  Then the hot and cold flashes started.  I denied to myself that I was in transition.  Then I hiccuped and Doula Bestie said, I bet you're in transition   (She's good) and I continued to deny it  - which of course if what every childbirth educator worth her salt will tell you is "self doubt" - a sure sign of transition.  So I denied that too.  Despite my valiant attempts at denial (I do that during all my births) I knew I was really up against the clock.  I fought the fear.  I needed to surrender it.  I didn't want to. (Why didn't I learn this lesson well enough the first time around!?)  The anesthesiologists were coming.  Whew.  I began to think I made it just under the gun. And then it happened.  The hemorrhaging started.  The anesthesiologists were at my room and there I was, losing it - in every way possible.  I started shaking and burst into tears.  Poor Doula Bestie leaped into action.  She worked to calm me down, and explained to the bewildered and startled anesthesiology team why I was freaking out and bleeding everywhere.  They got a move on.  One gave me a tranquilizer which I think was actually the sedative because things got fuzzy pretty quickly after that.  "Let's get you into the OR right now and take care of this" said another.  Doula Bestie whispered everything would fine and I finally surrendered. I could feel myself continuing to hemorrhage as they wheeled me down the hallway.  "Ok, Mama, He wins." I thought to myself.  "I get it now."

And then I woke up.

Groggy in post-op.  I blinked.  I didn't really remember anything except random faces in the OR, bright lights and an oxygen mask.  That was it.  I noticed that my hair had been taken down and arranged nicely around me on the pillow.  I was nauseated and had a massive headache, but I wasn't bleeding profusely.  I was on my second bag of pitocin and I could feel it working its magic.  It was over.

I learned an important lesson thanks to Bing. Surrender means that you must surrender even your fear.  And that new fears need to be identified and surrendered too. Fear prevents you from accepting God's Will.  I had much peace during the short time I had with Bing and that was because I was actively seeking abandonment to God's Will and total surrender.  When I had to face my biggest fear, and probably the only one I had left, I was paralyzed.  I was too afraid to Trust God fully.  So I turned to His Mother.  She got me there.  But He first allowed me to experience the very thing of which I was most afraid - because I needed to learn that I must surrender even my fear and my emotional wounds to Him.  It was a powerful lesson, and one I can say that I am thankful for.

The kids asked to name the baby "Bing Mary" and I couldn't argue it.  Somehow it fits.  He will have a place in our family just like the brothers and sister who preceded him into Eternity.  I miss him.  I wanted to hold him.  I wanted to watch him grow and learn and change and to see the person he was to become.  My heart grieves for his loss, even as I can have peace knowing that God had other plans, and His plans, though mysterious, are perfect.

I miss baby Bing, as I miss all my children who have been privileged to look on the majesty of God's Face before me.  I realize I am one of "those women" now  - the very ones I was afraid of becoming- the ones who have endured loss after loss.  And somehow I can find peace with it.  Somehow, and it is only through the Grace of God, I know that I am and will continue to be OK, even if I must face more losses in the future.  I know now that nothing is outside of His Will and that He works for our good, and in the future, I will heed the lessons my teeny baby taught me - to surrender fully to His loving and perfect Will - no matter what.

'Tis the Season

Its that time again! Time for the obligatory Advent post! No seriously folks, I have some things I have been pondering this Advent so far and wanted to share.  I have been pondering Christmas Decorations. The outside ones.  No no no, wait, I know what you're thinking, Gee Laura, that's really profound..NOT!  Just hear me out.

For me, its all about context.  You can argue over whether or not Santa comes to your house, Baby Jesus leaves presents, or the Three Wise men bring three gifts and leave them under your tree, the point is that we give, we take joy in giving, and we receive joyfully.  In the right context this teaches us about God's Love for us - He freely gave us His only Son, and He chose to do so in a very human, intimate way.  Presents under the tree remind us that God's gift to us was free and mysterious, wonderful, anticipated, and yet a surprise.  The evergreen of the Tree symbolizes the never-endingness of God and His Love.  Advent decorations remind us of this special time of year and they help us wait with anticipation - just as the children of Israel did long ago.

Outside, traditionally, lights and ornaments literally "lit the way" for the Christ Child.  Outdoors the flickering candles gave way to colored lights and pretty white lights, but the concept of lighting the way for the Child Jesus to come to your home on Christmas remained.  Now, though....

Can anyone tell me what the heck an inflatable Santa in a BATHTUB has to do with ANYTHING?  I mean seriously, a bathtub.  On your front lawn.  With a presumably naked Santa sits. Happily. How in the world is that even Christmas-related!?  When did bathing on the front lawn cease to be creepy?  Especially in 30 degree weather? Especially for old, bearded men?  My friends, we have come a long way from lighting the way and waiting for Christ's birth.  For that matter, what does Santa opening the door of a trailer have to do with Christmas?  What about Hunting Santa - complete with shot gun and camp print suit?  (Yes this is another inflatable decoration I have seen with my own eyes!)  Did the designer forget that Santa owns...wait for it...REINDEER?  What did he do this year? Go all sportsman and shoot Rudolph?  If we put that thing in our yard my kids would be grief stricken - Santa with his own reindeer in his sights.   And don't even get me started on Outhouse Santa...(yep saw that one too.) What has this to do with Christmas!?

Courtesy of Lowes.com

Nothing. It has nothing to do with Christmas.  Its a gimmick, a marketing ploy, a funny (and tacky) lawn ornament that holds little meaning other than it may get a good laugh from childless neighbors.
It is a symptom of a dumbing down of Christmas.  A move to replace what Christmas is really about with commercialism, adult humor, and secularism.  I mean why put up an outdoor Nativity when you can have Santa in a bathtub, a giraffe wearing a Santa hat, and light up palm trees instead!  All while your house blinks in every color of the spectrum to loud rock music! Now THAT'S Christmasee.

I'm not down on Christmas lights or decorations. Don't get me wrong.  We have one of our trees outside wrapped in colored lights and some lights in the windows.  Decorations, twinkling lights, they add to the mysterious wonder of Christmastime.  This isn't bad.  The wonder, the "magic" of Christmas helps us to somehow grasp the wonder and mystery of God-made-man.  Its why I encourage our children to experience the wonder and joy and "magicalness" of the season.  Someday they will be better able to grasp God's majesty, mystery and awesomeness because I have let them have a taste of it in a way they can grasp.  But garish blow up lawn ornaments and lights blinking so fast they cause passing motorists seizures isn't part of the program.  No thanks.  I'll keep our Christmas in context.  After all, if it doesn't somehow point back to Christ's Birth, and God's amazing and Mysterious Love for us, what is the point of it all anyway?

And that my friends, is my Advent Rant!

Happy Advent and Merry Christmas!

Lolek's Friends

As promised! I want to introduce you to these amazing women!

It has taken me a little longer to post than I would have liked, but sick children demanded my attention!

Now that all are healthy again, I want to take some time and introduce you to the ladies who have become my "Virginia Family."  You already met my doula-bestie-extraordinaire, but I absolutely MUST tell you about the rest of the "family!"

After Lolek was born and I was rushed to the hospital, Doula - Bestie -Extraor... wait, how about we use DBE?  OK, so she put out the word on Facebook and phone for prayers.  Immediately and unbeknownst to me, ladies started praying and organizing.  One, we shall call her Fortitude, even came over and checked on the house, made sure Lolek's body was OK (his body needed to be kept on a wet towel in his special box  in the refrigerator.)  Well, they were preparing to bring meals and to help prepare for Lolek's burial when I ended up BACK in the hospital with the PE and Pneumonia.  That's when "Lolek's Friends" was really born.

As I was getting hooked up to heart monitors and being told to not move, my poor shell-shocked husband was left juggling children, and home, and cleaning up the incredible mess almost dying makes.  (who knew?!)  He was sleep deprived, worried, and all of a sudden Mr. Mom.  So DBE started a thread on Facebook. It included friends - some of whom I hadn't met yet - some from out of state, and  my mom and mother in law.  These ladies got to work.  DBE would visit me in the hospital and post updates.  They used a meal planning website and organized meals for a MONTH for my family.  Dear Hubby was so relieved to not have to cook while I was in the hospital, and I couldn't cook once I was out.  They took turns coming to visit and brought me yarn and gummi bears (all I could stomach eating for a while).  They prayed with me, they prayed for me, and then they cleaned my house!!  Once I was home, one dear "sister" whom we shall call Battwoman (dont ask) drove down from upstate New York with her 3 children and baby to help us out for a week!! Talk about love!

Lolek's burial was approaching, and I was back in the hospital.  We wanted to celebrate his short life.  My family was driving in, and I KNEW my house must have been a disaster.  Poor Hubby could only juggle so much, on top of grieving for his baby son, and worrying about me.  Never fear!  One night, I am told, women and husbands, kids and acquaintances, descended on my home.  They deep cleaned, scrubbed, bagged clothes, organized closets, switched the seasons for the kids' clothes, cleaned out the fridge, nuked my bathroom, vacuumed, dusted, decluttered - my husband said he was in awe.  Some of them he had never met before, yet here they were, completely cleaning our house, bringing us meals, watching the kids so he could come visit me.  I felt so very loved!  I felt taken care of!  I was so very humbled.

 Most of them attended Lolek's burial.  The photos that one of the ladies took - she should be a professional photographer and we shall call her Jules.  She is from across the street and our kids are friends - the photos showed so many people! So many children! There were about 20 children at Lolek's burial!  Just children! Sitting in the hospital, looking at the photographs I was filled with such gratitude.  What a blessing these ladies and their families are!

Soon a facebook group was formed where we could expand and pray and help not just ME but each other.  It was suggested that we name it "Lolek's Friends" because he was the person who brought us all together.  I cried.  How beautiful! My little Lolek had a purpose!

I pray for his intercession daily, and I know others who do too.  They have told me he is strong intercessor.  One of the ladies, we shall call her Patience, wrote a Litany to Lolek Pio.  I have included it at the end of this post.

If only we knew at the time how much we would need each other for support and prayer and help.  Each lady, I don't think there were any exceptions, had a cross to bear this last year that required the support and the prayers and the assistance of all of us.  We aren't talking small things here either, we're talking big, scary, life changing, and painful things.  Its as if God used Lolek's death and my health crisis to bring us together because He, in His Wisdom, knew we ALL would need it.

I am so thankful to Him and so thankful for these ladies!  Just this last week I got a call from "Fortitude" who took it upon herself to order a headstone for Lolek to let me know it was in.  She knew it was heavy on my heart and God gave her some special Graces that prompted her to order a stone for him.  I can't tell you how incredibly happy it made me.  I wasn't able to be there for his burial but can now be there for the stone to be set, and then Lolek's Friends can celebrate not only his life, but the comfort and joy and strength that he allows us to give each other.

Before closing, I would like to call your attention to Healer in Your Heart . Vanessa or "Patience" is one of Lolek's Friends.  Last December her husband was diagnosed with a Grade 3 Mixed Brain Tumor.  Some of Lolek's Friends have formed Team McArthur and we are working and fundraising to help the family through this time.  Please take a look at the website and offer your prayers and support.

Vanessa is also the Friend who wrote the Litany of St. Lolek Pio, which I pray daily for these ladies, their intentions, and their families.

Litany of St. Lolek Ricketts

By Vanessa McArthur

Lord, have mercy... Lord, have mercy
Christ, have mercy... Christ, have mercy
Lord, have mercy... Lord, have mercy

Perfect gift... pray for us
Intention of God... pray for us
Consecrated by God... pray for us
Perfectly formed... pray for us
Fearfully made... pray for us
Fruit of the womb... pray for us
Knitted in the womb... pray for us
Welcomed gift... pray for us
Answer to a petition... pray for us
Fullfillment of a request... pray for us
Arrow in a quiver... pray for us
Gracious blessing... pray for us
Heritage from the Lord... pray for us
Gift from the Lord... pray for us
Dweller of Heaven... pray for us
Saved by Christ's mercy... pray for us
Called from the womb... pray for us
Called by name... pray for us
Baby Green Chocolate... pray for us

Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us
Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world... Have mercy on us

Let us pray.
Almighty God, in your infinite wisdom and love you brought Lolek Ricketts into the lives of his parents, siblings, and friends. You chose him to be a beacon of hope and light to all who longed to meet him, and used his spirit to bring together a group of faithful friends. As we pray for each other on earth, may we have the help of his intercession in heaven. We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

It's Been a Year, part II: The Gift of a PE and Pneumonia

So I ended the last post by saying that Padre Pio and Pope John Paul II were going to be playing a bigger role in my life "very soon."  I have always had a very strong and special devotion to St. John Paul II.  As a child I used to ask God for sufferings to offer for the Pope and experienced a closeness with him that is hard to describe.  After his death I mourned his loss and started a private devotion to him while praying for his Cause for Canonization.  I also asked him if he would accept me as his Spiritual Daughter.  His answer was "First you must make My Mother your Mother."  Of course he was talking about Mary.  I had always had a hard time with the Blessed Mother.  I prayed my Rosary, I honored her, I wanted to love her, and perhaps by an act of will I did, but it always felt flat.  In my heart I hadn't surrendered to Her Motherhood.  Well, Papa JPII got me thinking.  I desperately wanted him to accept me as a Spiritual Daughter so if he said to make Mary my Mother well, OK then!  I began begging her to help me do this.  At the same time I was given an incredibly strong sense that were anything "really bad" to happen to me, BL (now Saint). John Paul II would save me.  I didn't know what this meant, and quite frankly was a little rattled by this revelation that I was given while in prayer.  I thanked him for looking out for me and asked for his continued intercession.

This all began about 2 month before losing Baby Lolek.  Shortly before Lolek's death Padre Pio started "popping up."  He does this when he is letting us know we are going to need his help.  So I took the hint and began a novena to him asking for his protection.  When everything happened with Lolek I knew Padre Pio was interceding, and I clutched a prayer card of his throughout the ordeal.

The day after I was released from the hospital I was experiencing some very intense chest pain.  I had felt pretty woozy and lightheaded when they discharged me but was told by the nurse to expect to feel weak and to feel a heavy discomfort in my chest because of all the IV fluid.  So when I felt pain I recalled the words of the nurse and tried to ignore it.  The pain worsened throughout the day.  Perhaps it was my milk coming in?  After losing Claire my milk came in and it hurt.  Maybe it was anxiety?  I always get post-pardum anxiety.  Maybe its just my body recovering from trauma?  Maybe its all of the above?  As the day went on the pain only intensified.  It became hard to breathe.  I couldn't inhale.  I felt like I couldn't catch my breathe.  It must be anxiety.  This is the worst attack I've ever had.... I thought to myself.  Curled up on our big chair with a blanket I just struggled to breathe.  Walking made me dizzy and feel faint.  Wow.  I lost a lot of blood, probably normal....

I coped with these strange symptoms all day.  I mentioned them to my husband but tried to assure him that almost dying the day before was enough "badness" for a while - I was sure I'd be OK with some more rest.  Except I couldn't breathe!  I managed to make it through the day with as little exertion as possible.  OK, no exertion at all.  I tried to go to sleep that night.  My husband was restless and spent the night awake watching some movies in the living room.  I think I had given him quite a scare!  I lay in bed alone trying to get a good breath.  I once again thought of the nurse's warning, "It will be uncomfortable and feel heavy."   Boy, she wasn't kidding!  I tried to lay still.  After the 3rd Rosary I drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.  At about 4 am I shot bolt upright in bed - searing pain across my midsection from the bruises I had gotten after all the "mashing" the day before.  I was gasping for air and clutching my chest. Blinding pain was ripping into the left side of my chest and I had the distinct feeling that I had stopped breathing.  I gulped air, each gulp causing pain that made me dizzy.  Pope John Paul II's face flashed in my mind.  I tried to steady my breath.  I couldn't talk.  My heart was pounding so fast!  Slow breaths I commanded myself.  This must be another anxiety attack.  What else could it be?  After about 20 minutes of slow deliberate, painful breaths I put my head on my pillow and started another Rosary.  I was thinking of John Paul II.  I fell back into a fitful sleep only to wake up a short time later with the same awful sensation - gasping for air, clutching my chest in searing pain.  John Paul II's face again in my mind.  I didn't know what was happening but I DID Know that the "something really bad" had probably just happened.  I sat still, heart facing, trying to breathe through the pain in my chest.  I couldn't talk, couldn't move.  What was going on!?  I calmed down and tried to chalk it up to anxiety again, but I was a little scared.  And there was NO WAY I was going back to sleep! I sat very still in my bed, waiting for the sun to rise.  I may have dozed, in and out.  My husband  went to sleep as the sun was rising.  I told him what happened.  He looked concerned.  I told him I'd see how I felt and then call the doctor if necessary.  He said to wake him if I needed to.  I managed to get breakfast for my kids.  I walked slowly - every movement made me dizzy and made breathing more difficult.

Once noon hit I couldn't take it anymore.  I called the number on my discharge papers from two days before and left a message for the doctor.  Then I curled up on the chair with a blanket and tried to breathe.  My kids were a great distraction.  My husband woke up around 2:30 and at 3pm I got a call back from the doctor.  "If you are experiencing shortness of breath or chest pain you need to go to the ER, now."  I told her what the discharging nurse had said to me.  She wasn't impressed.  "You need to go to the ER.  What that nurse told you doesn't apply anymore."  I didn't really know what that meant but I told Dear Hubby we had to go to the hospital.  Our friend came over to keep an eye on the kids and we were off.

I will spare you the details of the Er trip.  The highlights included a dubious doctor who thought maybe my hemoglobin was low, and then a full oxygen mask, a heart rate dangerously high, blood pressure issues, X-Rays, a CT Scan (which I HATED!), an ultrasound of everything below my belly button, including my legs and feet, and eventually the dubious doctor poking his head into my room saying, "You're a MESS!"  It turned out I had a Pulmonary Embolism AND pneumonia.  PE in the right lung, pneumonia in the left. Our priest came and gave me the anointing of the sick.  I was instructed to NOT move at all.  Apparently my heart rate was so erratic that movement of any kind made it spike dangerously high  I was started on heparin, a blood thinner, and given something for the pneumonia, which they said was "hospital induced."  I had an OB come and consult because the doctors were afraid the blood thinners would make me hemorrhage again.   I was so scared!!  After getting started on everything I was admitted and taken to the cardiac ICU.  It had been 2 days since I had been in the ICU in the ER after losing Lolek.  I couldn't believe it.  What in the world was happening to me?!

The doctors were not very forthcoming with information.  I had a PE which I knew could kill you, and I was in danger of hemorrhaging, which could kill you.  The pneumonia seemed parochial at that point, and I refused to dwell on the fact that my grandfather had died from hospital induced pneumonia.  My husband had to go home to take care of the kids and I dictated a list to him of items to bring back in the morning.  I assured him I'd be fine and knew the kids needed him.  So I put on my brave face and joked through the oxygen mask, "Well I get breakfast in bed tomorrow!"  ("If I live that long" I added to myself, fear creeping into my thoughts.)  Hubby said good bye and I sat in the bed as a cascade of nurses came in.  Apparently in a cardiac ICU you get lots of attention.  I tried to adjust myself and my monitor started beeping.  A nervous looking nurse ran over.  "Honey, you CAN NOT move.  Your heart rate is way too high."  All I had done was try to adjust my position! Great. So if the PE doesn't kill me, and the anticipated hemorrhage doesn't kill me, and the pneumonia doesn't kill me, I will end up sending myself into cardiac arrest by accident and THAT will kill me.  All of a sudden I felt very vulnerable, very out of control, helpless and terrified.  I apologized.  She looked at me, "Your heart has had a work-out what with the heart attack and all."
Heart attack?  What heart attack?  I looked at her puzzled. She looked back.  The PE is in the right side.  It had to go through your heart to get there.  You're lucky you are alive."  I thought back to the night before- sitting up in bed clutching my chest gasping for air.  "OH! THAT'S what that was!"  I was stunned.  I was 29 years old and had already had my first heart attack.  I didn't know whether to be proud or mortified.  Instantly I thought of Pope John Paul II and in that moment I understood.  He had saved my life.  I had absolutely no doubt.  That thing was stopping up my heart and through his intercession it didn't kill me.  I silently thanked him.  So grateful.

I asked the nurse for my purse and slowly and carefully (so as not to speed up my poor heart)  took out my worn prayer book.  Pieta Prayer Book, in case you were wondering - my favorite.  I also took out my rosaries, Padre Pio and JPII prayer cards, and my Holy Water. I clutched them.  The nurses explained that my bed had to remain at a certain angle and I couldn't adjust it.  They messed around with my IV lines, gave me a catheter (ick), increased my oxygen, and drew some blood.  Then they instructed me to yell or press my call button if I thought I was bleeding to death, told me not to move again and left.  I was alone.

Now, I won't go into detail about the next 7 days in the hospital.  They had to draw blood every few hours, so by day 3 my arms were full of bruises and my veins didn't want to cooperate.  My blood thinners took a while to get in the "zone" where its safe (too little thinning and the clot can break free and blood can't move past it, too much thinning and well.... its bad).  The first 4 days I wasn't allowed to move more than my arms, and even then I had to be careful.  I will never forget laying there at that awful, uncomfortable 30 degree angle and wondering if I was going to die.  Would it hurt?  Would anyone be there with me?  Was I ready?  Why wasn't I excited at the prospect of Heaven?  What about my kids?  That's where I would get stuck.  My kids.  I was Mommy.  I had to take care of them.  Sure I thought about dying and getting to meet my three in Heaven, but my ones on earth needed me! I finally understood why so many prayers ask for the "Grace of a happy death."  I pray them very sincerely now.

Those first few terrifying days I look back on now with great thanks.  God was working on me.  I was, for the first time in my life, completely helpless.  I couldn't fight my way out of it.  I couldn't "suck it up, offer it up, and deal."  I couldn't even breathe without the oxygen mask! I realize now that those days are when I learned about contemplative prayer.  It was as if God taught me the amazing way to pray under fire.  It wasn't until months later that I realized that was what I was doing, how I was praying was contemplative.  I was so excited!  What a Grace I had been given!  I also learned that I needed to surrender.  I was afraid to.  I knew I was afraid to.  I was offering it up for my family and for my husband.  I was not complaining.  I was thanking God for the pain, for the fear, for the uncertainty, and yet I couldn't completely surrender.  I prayed the Stations of the Cross over and over again.  I found such comfort in them.  I knew I had to mourn my baby, Lolek, but I also knew that I couldn't yet.  It was as if my mind said "one crisis at a time, and this one is more immediate."  Besides my husband was making arrangements with the funeral home and the Church, I could be at peace knowing he would get the burial a child of God deserved.

One thing that was astounding to me were the insane conversations I would have with doctors.  They would come in every day to check on me.  I saw about 13 different doctors over the course of the first 7 days I was there.  THEY ALL told me I needed to decide what birth control to use.  A conversation would go like this:
Doctor: Hello Laura, how are you feeling
Me: Hello.  I still can't breathe and I have a lot of chest pain
Doctor:  Well that will take a  lot of time.  Your INR (how thin the blood is) is still off so we have to adjust your dose again.
Me: OK
Doctor: Now, lets talk about Birth Control for a moment.
Me: No, that's OK.
Doctor: Dr. So and So tells me you refused birth control yesterday.
Me:  Yes I did! *smile*
Doctor: That is not wise.  You see, blood thinners can cause birth defects and pregnancy can cause blood clots.
Me: So can Birth Control
Doctor:  Well, that's not exactly true
Me: Yes it is. It says so on the hormonal BC inserts.  Why in the world would you want me on BC if it causes them?  I ALREADY HAVE ONE!
Doctor: Well, it would be irresponsible of you to take a risk of getting pregnant
Me:  BC isn't fool proof. Besides my husband and I use a natural method and we use SELF control instead.
Doctor:  That's not really a smart idea.
Me:  Excuse me?  I am a Roman Catholic.  My faith teaches me that Birth Control is not only harmful to me, but its harmful to my marriage, to society, and to my soul.  AND I BELIEVE IT.  I practice my Faith.  I am very upset that every day I get a birth control lecture even after asking the nurses to notate on my chart that it is not to be discussed with me.  There is nothing you can say that will ever change my mind.
Doctor:  Well its your decision but it is not a smart one. If you get pregnant you have to come off the blood thinners and go on a different medication and you will need a high risk OB/GYN.  Plus, how many children do you have now?
Me: Four on earth.
Doctor:  My goodness.  All with the same man?
ME: YES!
Doctor: Don't you think that's enough?
Me:  I think its not for me alone to decide, and its none of your business.
Doctor: Very well, we are done.

At that point a nurse will hurry in and tell me my blood pressure was too high and I would explain that it was the doctor's fault.

So these were my days.  Plenty to offer up, and yet, I was still holding something back.

When I was released 7 days later I got home late afternoon. My mom was there with my sister.  My kids were so happy.  I was exhausted.  I was very weak, and still couldn't breathe.  I felt like I had been run over by a bus.  I got set up on the overstuffed chair and cuddled my kids.  I felt terrible.  The next day I still felt awful but managed a shower.  The kids had an early bedtime.  I decided to sleep on the chair because it was comfortable for my breathing.  As I tried to doze off an all too familiar sensation made me hurry to the bathroom.  I was hemorrhaging again.  A lot.  In half an hour I was back in an ambulance heading to the hospital.  It had been less than 12 hours since I was discharged.

The blood thinners were reversed to stop the bleeding.  This put me at risk for another clot and made my pain level higher and difficulty breathing worse.  An ultrasound revealed what they thought "might" be a retained bit of tissue.  I was told to not eat or drink in case I needed a D and C to remove it. I was admitted again but since the cardiac unit was full I was put on a Bariatric floor.

The poor nurses there didn't know what to do with me.  All the equipment was too big for me - it was designed for obese people getting bariatric surgery.  After all my problems I weighed about 118 pounds - hardly obese.  Still those nurses were wonderful. They knew I was hungry and wasn't allowed to eat, and they didn't have monitors for my vitals so they came in to check as often as they could.  Some dear friends came to pray over me.  They brought relics of several saints and along with a few other friends, including my amazing "super-doula" best friend we prayed.  Through the course of the prayer I began to feel very strange.  I had been given a drug that was supposed to help expel the retained tissue, but came with the risk of further hemorrhage.  The doctor had told me we still couldn't rule out a D and C and would I consent to placing an IUD while getting the procedure.  I practically shouted her out of the room.  "NO!  STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL!"  She was very upset with me and told me she hoped I didn't hemorrhage but if I did, at least I could get another transfusion, and she left.

As I began to feel strange, I thought to myself, here it comes.  I'm going to bleed to death right here.  There are no monitors so the nurses won't see that my BP is dropping and my pulse is racing.  I began to feel faint.  I hadn't eaten in 36 hours, and I'm sure that didn't help.  I couldn't see straight, my heart was pounding.  I started to get tunnel vision.  "Surrender, Laura."  I heard a whisper in my heart.  "Make my mother your mother."  Papa JPII?  My friends were praying.  I felt like I was dying.  "Mama!!!  Mama!!!  I surrender!  Help me Mama!  I give up!  God can have me if He wants.  I surrender.  Please, be my Mother.  Help me to love you as my mother, help me surrender completely to God.  If its His Will that I die now, then I accept it.  Please hold my hand Mama, I give everything to God.  Everything. My life, my health, my kids, my husband, everything."    I was screaming in my mind.  I felt as though I was saying it out loud.  And in that moment, Mary became my Heavenly Mother.  I had broken through.

My pulse quickened, the dizziness intensified, and I felt as though I couldn't breathe.  I could tell I was about to hemorrhage.  "Call a nurse," I whispered. My friends looked worried. They pressed the call button and went into the hallway.  Two nurses came running.  "I'm not OK."  I told them.  "I feel like I do before I hemorrhage, and I want to pass out."  They started checking vitals.  The looked worried.  Very worried.  They called another nurse.  One left to make a call.  The other two ushered out my friends.  They shut the door and brought over a portable commode.  Lets prop you up on this and see what happens.  I agreed.  I prepared myself for the inevitable gush of blood and what I knew would be me passing out afterwards.  "You have to hold me up," I said.  The nursed could see I was so dizzy I couldn't even sit up without help.  "We aren't leaving your side," they said.  And so I glanced upward, asked Mary to give me courage, and resigned myself to the very real sense that I was going to die that night.

Then a strange thing happened.  I sat propped up waiting for the worst.  Instead of a rush of blood the only thing that my body expelled was a piece of tissue.  It looked to be the size of the retained tissue that the ultrasound had revealed. I was flabbergasted. So were the nurses.  You see, it just doesn't work like that.  You don't just expel a bit of tissue and NOTHING else.  Not post pardum, not when you have been hemorrhaging.  The dizziness began to wane.  Tunnel vision went away.   The nurses put me back in bed.

"See, I am your Mother."  I heard her whisper in my heart.  With complete clarity I understood. Mary had just kept me alive.  She had saved my life.  It was my final act of surrender that made it possible.  I was filled with gratitude.  Immense gratitude.  I can't write this without crying.  That night, Mary became my mother, and I learned that surrender - ultimate surrender - is a freedom.  Not something to be feared.

Shortly after this experience the nurses came in to tell me I was being transferred to the Cardiac Unit "where I belonged."  Soon I was back on the cardiac floor in the ICU for a few days, and then to the regular cardiac floor before being sent home.  All told I had been in the hospital for 16 days.

I had an ultrasound the day after the night when Mary saved my life to check on the "retained tissue" and wouldn't you know, they couldn't find it.  The whole time I had the distinct feeling of Mary's presence.  It was as if she was letting me know that just as I wouldn't leave one of my children's sides were they in the hospital, neither was she leaving mine.  I had the most profound peace.  I was no longer scared.  I didn't really know what would happen to me yet but I was not scared.  I was at peace.  I was still in a lot of pain and I still couldn't breathe, but I had peace.  I remember realizing that I had done as John Paul II said.  I made Mary my Mother!  And as I thought these things, in my heart I knew I had a new Spiritual Father as well.  I was overjoyed!  There I was with my oxygen cannula on, the anti-clot balloons on my legs, heart monitors all over, two IVs, and bruises up and down my arms, grinning like a fool.  Our God is an amazing God.

In my next post I would like to introduce you to some very amazing, very special, extremely dear friends without whom I couldn't have survived the hospital tedium, or recovered once home.  They have become my Virginia Family and I thank God for them every day.  So, next time you will meet "Lolek's Friends."