A Letter from a Sex Addicts Wife

We talk about a lot of issues that face our families here.  One of the silent killers of family life is pornography and sex addiction.  I thought for some perspective I would publish a letter from a Sex Addict's Wife.  No names or detailed information is included to protect the identify of this poor, brave woman.  (reprinted with permission).

Dear *******,

I can't do this anymore.  I have given you almost 10 years of my life and you have wasted them.  I have given you children, a clean home, dinner on the table, and encouragement.  I have been your biggest cheerleader, your biggest fan, and your biggest support.  I have believed in you when no one else has.  Yet, here we are.  I am at the end of my rope.  Your addiction and your inability to really work to fight it have destroyed everything we have.  Or did we really have it?  Was it an illusion?  Have you just been using me all these years?  That's what it feels like.  I feel like a giant rug that you walk all over.  You have stolen the best years of my life and you didn't even notice.  All those times I tried to look nice for you.  All the wasted effort I put into keeping my body healthy and fit.  All the stress I put on myself to lose baby weight and get back that "flat stomach" you say you like.  (by the way that is the ONLY compliment you ever have paid me about how I look....and it was 2 years ago.) 

Well, I am done.  I have children to protect.  When I discover that you are looking at porn with them around or in the next room you leave me no choice.  I have given EVERYTHING to this marriage.  I have sacrificed and cried, prayed and cried some more.  I have singlehandedly managed the house, while you wasted our money.  I have taught our children and raised them to respect you, even though you don't respect them.  I have soothed their broken hearts when you raise your voice or ignore them.  I have protected them from you when you were so out of touch reality that you were scary to be around.  I am done.  NO ONE should be forced to live like this.  I have dignity.  I am a child of God and you treat me like trash.  Maybe you don't intend to, but you do.  I have given you chance after chance to heal, to find treatment, to get sober.  I have given you more chances that most ever would.  Yet you throw them back in my face. 

No more.  I can't play this game or ride this roller coaster anymore.  I love you more than I can possibly articulate, but you are hurting me.  Every day.  I can't make myself a victim to your addiction, and I can't allow the kids to be victims either.  They deserve so much more than that. 

So there you go.  That's it.  After all these years of praying and hoping this is what it comes down to.  Leave.  It has become obvious that you aren't going to truly find recovery or healing living here with us, so find a place where you can.  I pray that you WILL find healing and health and sobriety and come back to us whole and happy.  That is in God's Hands. 

I will always love you.  I still believe you can be healed.  I still believe you can find sobriety and recovery.  I do not believe you will find those things if something big doesn't change.  Obviously being at home isn't working for any of us.  I pray that by leaving us you will find what you need, so you can come back to us a whole and changed man.  I will pray for you every day.

My heart is broken.  I hate that your addiction has forced me into this position and I resent having to be the one who draws a hard line in the sand.  I want this 'thing' out of our lives for good.  It is poisoning all of us. 

I love you.

Your Devoted Wife,
**********

I hope that those of you who can identify with this woman's situation will draw strength from knowing you are not alone.  We must all pray to end this scourge upon families.   If you feel as though you are in a similar situation, please know that there are resources avaible to you and support for you.  A google search of "Sanon" will find you a lot of information, as will http://www.purehope.net/ .

I don't usually do this but I would like to ask you to read someone else's blog this time:

http://theholywannabe.blogspot.com/2012/01/sobering-start-to-new-year.html

This is a dear friend of mine (yes I even scored a shout out in this post) and she wrote so eloquently on about the very thing I was going to say that I figured I would share what she wrote with you.

The bottom line is, our friends are literally in the fight for their lives and we are humbly asking for your prayers and if you are able to help in any way, for your help. 

Please read the post: http://theholywannabe.blogspot.com/2012/01/sobering-start-to-new-year.html   
and prayerfully consider if you are willing and able to show Christ's love to this family.

Happy New Year.  May 2012 find you experiencing peace and joy and counting your blessings. 

After reading this post http://theholywannabe.blogspot.com/2012/01/sobering-start-to-new-year.html   you may find this prayer helpful:

Novena Prayer to Bl. John Paul II

O Blessed Trinity
We thank You for having graced the Church
with Pope John Paul II
and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care,
the glory of the cross of Christ,
and the splendor of the Holy Spirit,
to shine through him.
Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy
and in the maternal intercession of Mary,
he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd,
and has shown us that holiness
is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life
and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.
Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will,
the graces we implore,
hoping that he will soon be numbered
among your saints.
Amen.

Waiting and Hoping

I'm sitting here with a jumble of thoughts.  Its been a while since I have been able to post and I am happy to do so once again.  Really there are so many things that I could talk about but I think for now I will settle on my Advent Musings, as Christmas is a few days away and I have much on my heart and mind.

Since my last post this summer a lot has happened.  I started working for  Presidential Campaign, ended up working for a different one, got pregnant, delivered a tiny baby boy after he had ceased to have a heartbeat at 13 weeks, suffered very serious complications, faced death no less than three times in 10 days, and discovered how truly blessed I am.

Sure we are still broke, we are constantly too low on fire wood to heat the house, and I am still recovering and this is going to be our leanest Christmas yet, but I know I am blessed, and I need to count those blessings. 



This last week of Advent has seemed purely purgatorial for so many people who are dear to me.  I am not exaggerating!!  Its as if God decided to allow an awful lot of suffering before He brings His Peace and Mercy and Christmas. 

This makes me ponder what it must have been like to have lived before the first Christmas.  What must it have been like to have been waiting for a Savior and not know when He would come?  What must it have been like to have been in captivity, in slavery, wandering a desert, living under a brutal king, all the while WAITING for the One who was to come?

How lucky we are that we KNOW there is a Christmas.  We KNOW that our Savior came, and that He comes anew at Christmas time.  What Hope we have because of this knowledge, and how blessed that we can have that Hope.  A secure Hope. 

Isn't that what Christmas is about?  Hope.  Real hope.  A tiny baby came to save us all.  God loved us so much that He allowed Himself to become man, and God the Father gave us His only Son, knowing He would suffer.  For us.  That is the truest form of love there is. The Love of God for His Son and for us - His children.  That should give us enormous Hope for whatever we are facing - and I know so many are facing so much. 

This end of Advent leaves me waiting for good news from several hospitals where family and friends are spending the Holiday this year.  It leaves me hoping doctors appointments, breathing treatments, and surgeries are successful.  It leaves me waiting.  And hoping.  And knowing that on Sunday we will celebrate the reality that Christ came.  He came whether we were ready or not.  He came in the middle of every day life.  He came quietly and changed the world.  He came for you and for me.  And He will never abandon us.

So this last week of Advent I anticipate and I wait and I Hope.  Really, when you think about it, that just about sums up Advent.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

An unexpected Blessing! Thank you JP2!

You may have noticed that I haven't been writing much lately.  That is because the infamous Noah -the star of a few of these posts broke his leg 4 weeks ago!  My poor little baby boy (well, he is 2, but still!!) broke his beautiful little leg!  He was going down a tube (covered) slide and on the way down, on his Daddy's lap, he stuck his leg straight up, catching the rubber of his sneakers on the top.  His leg stuck to the top and wedged there - as he was sliding down. Ouch. Big Ouch. 

One ER trip, one orthopedist, and a lot of tissues for a weepy Mommy later, Noah had a full leg cast.  It was green and he called it his dinosaur leg.  If you got too close to him he would raise it up and make it roar.   It broke my heart!  For the first 3 days he wouldn't let me out of reach.  I actually got out my Moby Wrap and wore him around so I could make food and go outside.  It was terrible to see him so uncomfortable. 

The night he broke it, and we came home from a rather traumatic hospital trip full of X-Rays and splints, high doses of pain medicine and fiberglass wraps, I was terrified.  How does one care for a 2 year old, who never sits still, with a broken leg?  How do I take care of my other children?  This was a brand new Mommy challenge.  Noah slept in bed with me that night (actually he is still sleeping in bed with me....he really liked the idea!) and as I looked at him sleeping with his leg all propped up I thought of John Paul II.  He had just been beatified.  I have a very special devotion to him, and have been close to him since before I was in High School.  I immediately felt the need to ask him for his help.  So that's just what I did.  I got out one of my prayer cards that was blessed by theh late Holy Father when I saw him in Rome in 1996. My other kids joined me in asking Bl. John Paul II to fix Noah's Leg.  And you know what?  He did!
I would like to share with you that story and what an unexpected and wonderful Blessing it was!

Here I have a copy of what I wrote to some friends and family the day of Noah's 2 week Check-up for his leg (a break which we were told would need at least 4-6 weeks to heal iin a full leg cast):


Noah had his 2 week check up for his leg today. The doctor was somewhat flabbergasted when she looked at today's Xrays and saw that the 2 breaks are completely healed. "I've never seen this type of break heal so quickly - even in a small child," she said, "I don't know what to do!" and she stared at the XRays some more. I, however, was not as surprised, simply because when Noah broke his leg (he had a good crack in his tibia and a spidery fracture and some bowing in his fibula) I began praying to Bl John Paul II to heal it quickly. I had a prayer card that was blessed by him when I saw him in Rome in 1996. I placed it over his break inside his cast at night. Today I was practically giddy as we waited for the XRay results because I knew it would be good news! Since the Doc was so confused as to what she should do and all I could do was laugh as Noah swung his "broken" leg around she decided to take off his big cast and look at it. When she came in the room after it was removed she started examining the wrong leg saying, "Hmm there is some bruising." When I pointed out that she was examining the wrong leg and that the bruising was an ink smudge and an old black and blue mark, she took a look at the "broken" leg and said, "Oh my, it looks perfectly fine!" She asked him if it hurt to which he responded by kicking it, laughing, and trying to jump on it. Ultimately she decided to put him in a short leg cast "because that's what I would normally do, and I've never encountered this situation before." She admitted though that the short leg cast doesn't even cover the part that was broken (!) and that its really for "insurance and malpractice purposes" more than anything else, "because his leg looks completely healed even though it shouldn't."



I never gave him homeopathy to promote bone growth because I couldn't find it, and was confident that Bl. Papa JP2 would fix him. He never had or needed pain relievers after the day the break occurred. I gave him Arnica for the first 2 days (before his big cast was put on) to reduce swelling, and that was it. I am completely convinced that through the intercession of Papa John Paul II, Noah's leg is perfectly fine, and he has to deal with the short cast purely as a formality and to appease a very confused doctor.


Another interesting thing is that the whole time we were at the Orthopedist Noah kept asking to go to Church! He told all the nurses he was going to church and kept asking me to go. He NEVER asks to go to church. Ever. I promised him we'd go when we were done. When we left the Orthopedist we went to our Church and into the Adoration Chapel. Noah was very quiet and content (also rare). He blessed himself with Holy Water, blew Jesus a kiss and I asked him if we should say thank you. He nodded so we said, I love you Jesus, thank you John Paul 'second'. Then he blew Jesus another kiss, and looked at me whispering , "OK, go home now." I smiled at him and that's just what we did! Perhaps his little heart understands...I'd like to think so.


Thank you, Bl. John Paul II!!! We Love you!

.

Holy Week; Mommy Style

"He's dead."
"Wait, here comes Jesus!"
"Get alive again!" (in a deep 'Jesus Voice')
"He's alive, He is 'risened' from the dead!"

This may sound like a reenactment of Jesus raising Lazarus, or maybe the Easter Story.  But its not.  It is my children playing with their dinosaurs and Thomas trains.  And a Jesus doll.  Or maybe its a GI Joe in Barbie's nightgown....

This is the beginning of Holy Week.  Random toys being "Raised from the dead" is a pretty good  indication that Easter will soon be upon us.

There was a time in my life when Holy Week was spent in quiet solitude.  Intense meditation.  Contemplative sadness and melancholy.  I would spend Holy Thursday reading all the Gospel accounts of the Last Supper, watch Jesus of Nazareth, and silently mediate on the Eucharist and Christ's sacrificial suffering - knowing what was to come.  Then on Good Friday I would spend the hours of noon to 3 completely silent.  I would walk the Stations of the Cross at Church.  At Franciscan University I loved their woodsy Station Walk on the hill.  I would read all the Gospels again - this time the Passion of Christ.  Next would be the Revelations of St. Bridget.  I concentrated on Christ's account of His Passion and Death.  The  day would continue in quiet melancholy.  Saturday would be much the same, until the evening when the Vigil Mass began.  Seeing the candles lighting the darkened Church, and then the Beautiful moment when the Lights come on - He is Risen!  Alleluia!

I sigh wistfully at the memories.  I am sure someday I will once again have the luxury of immersing myself completely in Holy Week.  I hope so.  For now, though, my "Easter Experience" is far different.  This is because I am raising small children.  Holy Week has taken on a whole new dimension of "sacrificial suffering."  While I would love to mope and meditate, completely lose myself in the awesome Scandal of the Cross, I can't.  Not when there are diapers to change, children to school, Band-Aids to be put on with a kiss, meals to cook, lessons to drive to, and young hearts to train up in Holiness.  So more often than not, its a prayer and a wistful look at my bookshelf full of great texts by Holy men and women.  A sidelong glance at my prayer corner, and back to reality as the little one tries to crawl all the way into the Wood Stove (again), dumping a box of cereal all over the floor on his way.

At first I was tempted to get frustrated.  After all, this is Holy Week, don't I deserve the "time off" to do the things I like to during this unique week in the Liturgical Year?  Then that thought came back and smacked me in the face.  How selfish of me!  Of course this is Holy Week, and yes there are things that would be meaningful to me, but some of them are not practical with small ones underfoot.  THIS, right now is my path to Holiness.  How can I best unite myself to Christ's Passion this week?  By embracing the crosses of Motherhood.  By putting aside what I want to be doing, and instead taking the opportunity to teach my children why we call this week "Holy."  There will be times for prayer, and contemplation.  They may not be when I would choose, but I can recognize an opportunity and take it.  I may not have the luxury of planning out my own personal Holy Week schedule, but I will have the chance to enter into the great Mystery - the Holy Scandal of Christ's suffering, death, and Resurrection.  It may be while I am vacuuming up spilled cheerios, or mopping up a gallon of dumped water, but I can take this quiet time to prayerfully "multitask."

I can accept the added humility of having my littlest one melt down at the Penance Service in front of all the praying people, only to have him accompany me  - clutching my neck lest I put him down - into the confessional and repeat everything I say - loudly.  I can suffer through another viewing of Veggie Tales' Easter Story (it gets a little old after continuous viewing for 4 years strait!)  I can tell and retell the story of Christ's Passion - paying special attention to St. Peter cutting off the Servant's ear, because that's my 3 year old's "Favorite part," and only to be interrupted every few words with questions and comments.

"Well, how many thorns were there?"
"I think 'Punchless Pilate' needed to take Martial Arts. Then he would know how to punch."
"I think Simon of Cyrene was called "Si-Cy"like a nickname." (Um, OK?),
"Mommy, what's a cock and why does it crow?"
"Mommy why does it say "ass" in the Bible? Why did Jesus ride on one? Isn't that a fresh word? What was Jesus thinking?"
"When He made the first miracle with bread turning into His body, did a part of His body come off?" "Did they drop Jesus when they took Him off the cross?"
"Did they put only one nail in His feet because they ran out?" and so on, and so on.

This is my Holy Week.  It may have its frustrating times, but honestly, all that pales when I see my kids "raising their trains and dinosaurs from the dead."  On some level they are beginning to understand.  I am thankful that its not all "Easter Bunny and Easter Eggs."  While that infamous oversized rodent will be making his way to our house this Sunday, its not the only thing in their minds.  When I glance into the toyroom and see them pretending to wait outside "Jesus' Tomb,"  When they begin to clap at the "Miracle" during Mass (Transubstantiation) and proclaim  (albeit loudly) that "It happened! The Miracle Happened! Its Jesus' Body!  Just like the Last Supper!!" I know that in their own way, they are entering into the Paschal Mystery too.

Maybe I don't get to experience Holy Week the way I would choose to, but I do get to experience it through the eyes of my children; and in all honestly, that can be good enough for me.


May you have a Truly Holy Week, and Joyous Easter!

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Recently I have begun to reflect upon the impact of ugliness on our children.  No, I am not talking about a person who may not meet our cultural standards of "prettiness" or "handsomeness."  I am referring to ugliness as the opposite of beauty. In a more philosophical sense.  I know, I know, this is a Mommy blog, and I am attempting to write on philosophy - perhaps a grand undertaking considering that I will write this amidst the chaos of a semi-clean house (but hey, I'm OK with that now...see the previous post!), and diaper changing, and meal preparing, and homeschooling, but I can give it a shot!  You see, its an important thing to consider as parents.  Beauty and ugliness; bear with me as I dive into the filed away lessons I learned in my college philosophy classes!

Beauty has long represented that which is good.  It is a metaphor for goodness, and since God is good, we can say that true beauty also points us towards God.  Now, lets be clear about what beauty is and is not here.  Beauty is not what our culture refers to as "hotness."  Its not superficial.  The beauty I am referring to is what you witness when you see a magnificent sunset, a gorgeous garden, something that takes your breathe away and leaves you in awe and wonder, something that brings you peace and happiness - even if just for a moment.  Like how my husband feels when he gets his first glimpse of me in the morning...OK, maybe not.

Beauty is hard to quantify, hard to define, but we all know true beauty when we see it, and if our hearts are right, we can recognize God as the beginning and end of the beauty.  Take a sunset.  When we witness a breathtaking sunset, we can recognize God as the artist of such a sunset.  We can also recognize His love for us - for Who else but a loving Father would create such beauty simply to make us happy.  God is a show off.  He loves to show us how much He loves us, and beauty is one of the ways He does this.  Nature is full of Beauty - just look at the sky, a garden or a single perfect rose.  Art conveys to us beauty - both in nature and in the human form.  Don't get me wrong, seeing a beautiful man or woman can in fact draw you closer to God - not tainted by lust or jealousy - the human being is created in His Image after all!  God created beauty - in nature, in persons, so that we could get a glimpse of Him and His love.

Conversely, ugliness has traditionally been a metaphor for evil.  If beauty points us towards God and His love, ugliness does the exact opposite.  If God is the end of Beauty, than Satan and his evil is the end of true ugliness.  Now let us also be clear on what ugliness is.  Ugliness is the absence of beauty.  It too is not superficial.  It is deeply rooted anti-good.  Our language here gets in the way or our understanding.  Generally when we say something is "ugly" we are simply referring to it being not nice to look at; but real ugliness is much deeper than that.  It is the antithesis of goodness and beauty, directing us away from God.  If beauty is the metaphor for good, than ugliness is the metaphor for evil.

Why am I bothering to bring this up on blog for moms?  Because we have a responsibility to teach our children how to recognize beauty and ugliness, good and evil.  I believe that this task has become much more difficult, even since the time that we ourselves were children.

Nowadays there are so many confusing messages about what is good and beautiful, and what is bad and ugly.  These messages come packaged in books and movies, TV shows, magazines, fads, and fashion.  I may sound like I am pining for the bygone days (or even for an earlier era in which I did not live) but things used to be much more cut and dry.  Think of some of the old children's books, and their illustrations - "Goldenbook" selections for example, and books illustrated by Eloise Wilkin, or old movies and their imagery or animation, or think of the appropriate clothing for different occasions.  There is a huge difference!

Let's take a closer look at a few examples to help me make my point:  One of my favorite examples is the story of Sleeping Beauty.   Let's use Disney's "animated classic" for our example since its most likely that we've all seen it.  In that movie we are shown very clear depictions of good and evil.  Briar Rose (Sleeping Beauty) is beautiful - not only does she have flowing hair and lovely features, but she is gentle,  kind, generous, sweet, and loving - in short, she is virtuous.  You see, her beauty is a metaphor for her goodness.  Scenes involving her include cheerful happy backgrounds, or a beautiful forest.  The Prince who eventually rescues her is handsome (masculine word for beautiful) and brave - and literally given the sword of Truth and the Shield of Virtue.  On the other hand, Maleficent, the evil nemesis, is ugly.  There is nothing beautiful about her.  Even her voice is given a timbre that is displeasing.  Whereas Sleeping Beauty's castle is lovely, Maleficent's Castle is ugly and dark.  Her cohorts are gargoyle-esque, and deformed.  There is nothing pleasing or even remotely beautiful about her or anything associated with her.  This disparity is purposeful.  This type of illustration clearly defines what and who is good and who and what is evil.  A child watching the movie may not understand all the metaphors or symbolism, but he or she will easily identify who the "good guys" are and who the "bad guys" are.

This clear cut good vs. evil is important for children, because they see the world in a very black and white way.  They are still forming their consciences, their own understanding of good and evil.  Seeing this played out in literature, on the screen, and even in more subtle ways in modern media can help a child to internalize and understand that there are some things that are always good, and some things that are always evil.  Learning how to identify these things helps a child to grow in to a virtuous adult with a well formed character.  Older children can be exposed to this obvious and healthy juxtaposition in  C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, and J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Ring's Trilogy and The Hobbit.

On a more subtle level, being exposed to beauty helps a child to develop an appreciation for real beauty - and likewise, an abhorrence to counterfeit beauty.  Do you want your son to grow up respecting women and not treating them as objects?  Expose him to real beauty.  So many young men and boys fall victim to pornography and promiscuity because there is something in them that is yearning for beauty - and yearning for the the God of that beauty.  Do you want your daughter to dress appropriately and not flaunt her beauty in a worldly way?  Expose her to true beauty.  Remember that beauty always points towards God.  If a child is never exposed to this Truth, never experiences the whisper of God in something beautiful,  he or she will search for  this Truth in all the wrong places.

Beauty and ugliness are also metaphors for right and wrong.  For ages stories about right and wrong - lessons - have been cloaked in the disguise of fairy tales, folklore and stories.  In so much classic children's literature the brilliant illustrations clearly depict good and evil, right and wrong, using illustrative and literary techniques that make the good and right beautiful and pleasing to look at, and the wrong and evil disfigured and grotesque.  Once again this is an effective way that children are exposed to the ideas of right and wrong, good and evil.

Now take some of the modern day media and literature that our children are exposed to.  While there may not be anything intrinsically wrong with it, we should pay close attention to the subtle messages that  are being sent.  Some parents may think I am being too paranoid here, and some may take issue with my assessment of certain TV shows and books, but I stand by my assertion that there is a war for our children's hearts and minds, and this war is waged by the Father of Lies - who would like nothing more than to corrupt our children and confuse them from their infancy.

Have you noticed that some TV shows for children are just plain weird?  I mean terrible animation with strange multi-colored (as in purple and pink and green) characters with disproportionately sized body parts- even though they are supposed to human?  Other TV shows have unidentifiable characters - human-esque, but not quite.  These images are jarring and confusing to children.  We write them off as entertaining, but I fear that they can actually be moor damaging than that.  Jarring and ugly media desensitizes children to true ugliness.  It preps them for accepting more and more twisted and grotesque images, which in turn desensitizes them to true wrongness and evil.

This is actually one of the cautions I have for parents who allow their children to read and watch titles from both the Harry Potter and Twilight series.   Its also the basis for the objection that I have to titles that depict dragons - a classic metaphor for Satan - as friendly and helpful, and ugly, disfigured witches as "good"  (Glenda the good witch from the Wizard of Oz would be an exception because she looks more like a Fairy Godmother than a witch).  I  may sound nit-picky, but left unchecked, this type of literature and movie media  can plant seeds of confusion and doubt in impressionable minds.  Consider this excerpt from a review of Harry Potter (the full review is linked to below and I strongly encourage you to read it!):

On the surface, the Harry Potter tales fit right in with Goosebumps, Rugrats, and that gooey cerebral-like matter designed for throwing upon walls. Yes, pre-pubescent boys, especially, can think this stuff is pretty neat, hence there is a huge market for it. But if we want our children to love truth, goodness and beauty, then why are we buying them products that encourage their tendencies toward the grotesque? Of course, all great literature illustrates the dark side of human existence; however, the best authors do not intend darkness itself as entertainment. Like shadows in a landscape that make the bright spots all the more brighter, evil in fiction should serve as a contrast to the good. Perversely, Rowling presents her dismal world of the occult as a circus. Worse than that, she offers it as a desirable alternative to her caricature of normalcy.... I nevertheless consider her smorgasbord of magic, yuck, and gore an unfitting package for the truth. Moreover, her stories create the impression that some of us, like Potter and Dumbledore, could learn to handle occult powers and wield them for good. This is a grave error, for our intentions, however noble, cannot transform an objective evil into a good.(a)


And this review also lnked to in full below:


One of the greatest problems of the Harry Potter craze, as I see it, is the tremendous confusion between good and evil it is bound to generate among the youth, especially in the already-relativized ambience of our days. Children not only need absolutes, but seek them. (b)

As parents we have enough trouble from the continuous cultural bombardment that our families are under - constantly seeking to erode and undermine our values and beliefs.  Its too easy to assume that planting the kids in front of a "children's TV show" or letting them stay up late to read "children's or young adult literature" is safe and not deserving of our scrutiny; and honestly wouldn't it be nice to have something that we didn't need to be wary of once in a while?  But the Truth of the matter is that its our job - its our vocation - to guide our children's tastes and to limit what they can and can't consume when it comes to movies, books, and such.  They may balk, they may complain, but they will never doubt that you love them or that you have their Eternal interests at heart.

When I am faced with a situation in which my kids want to watch or read something that I object to on the ground that we have just discussed, I take the opportunity to explain to them my reasons why I object.  They may be young, but they grasp the Biblical exhortation of Pillipians 4:18:

"Finally brothers, [sisters] whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is GRACIOUS,  if there is any EXCELLENCE and if there is anything worthy of PRAISE,  think about these things. " 

I use this quote to help my children understand that everything we do should help us to love God more - even when we are doing something leisurely.  "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17).   It is helpful to introduce children, even young ones, to the idea that we should seek to please God with all of our actions - even when we are "just watching TV."  If something we are watching seems to be "too confusing" and makes it difficult for us to decide who is acting like they love God, perhaps its not worthy of our attention.  

It takes some time, but if your kids are anything like mine they will take to this line of thinking with zeal (and occasionally go overboard!).  We even have a list of perfectly harmless songs that my oldest son and daughter have deemed "fresh" just because of the sound of music!  (Fresh is our family word for 'rude' or 'sassy' or 'inappropriate.')  As they get older I am not necessarily opposed to allowing them to read what I consider to be more 'questionable' titles (whatever the Harry Potter and Twilight of the next generation may be) as long as we discuss them together, so we can decide what literary devices hold true God's Truth about beauty, and as long as they have by then developed the critical thinking and analytical skills necessary to identify the disparities in what they are reading or watching.  In other words, when they have formed their consciences and grown up enough to notice for themselves the obvious incongruence that may be present in what they are reading.  

For now though, my kids are young sponges,  and  they see the world as being very cut and dry.  I believe it is my duty to protect their innocence, and to help them firmly establish their understanding of right and wrong before exposing them to literature and media that may undermine my efforts to help them form their consciences.  If you feel the same way, navigating the TV, internet, and book stores can seem daunting.  I  have compiled a short list below of some resources and tips that you may find helpful:


**Update**  You may dismayed to check out this excellent blog post about the latest creepy (and totally inappropriate!) girl's toys.  Think Bratz dolls - undead.  Serisouly.
http://storiesforthehomeschoolheart.wordpress.com/2011/03/16/ugly-girls/#comment-128

For Reviews on Movies, TV shows, music and more with a Christian Perspective:

http://www.pluggedin.com/


Catholic Kids Shows:
http://www.ewtn.com/tv/kids/index.asp

*Stay away from the Tolkien rip-offs that are really just cheap "fantasy" that are rife with confusing messages about good and evil.  Tolkien's works are so magnificent because they are a complete Christian allegory - and the imagery he uses very clearly depicts good and evil.

(a) Is Harry Potter Good for Our Kids? (Review quoted above) http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/arts/al0070.html


(b) Harry Potter and the Problem of Good and Evil (review quoted above) http://www.traditioninaction.org/HotTopics/d003ht.htm

Twilight for Catholics? http://catholicmediareview.blogspot.com/2008/12/twilight.html


Discussion on Moral Ambiguity of Twilight: http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=471332

Too Clean, or Not too Clean?

I have been ruminating on this topic for a while: cleaning.  Just thinking about cleaning makes my adrenaline pump - I am ready to conquer whatever obstacles that are preventing my home from being a pristine, clean paradise.  My eyes become little laser beams - beaming in on any small thing that is out of place, my muscles twitch - ready to be toned by the power of the vacuum and the weight of several bottles of cleaning spray.  In short, I LOVE a clean house.  Its my secret neuroses.  When everything is put away, when my floors are free of debris and clutter, my counter tops bare, the computer desk clear of everything BUT the computer and printer, the toy room neatly organized, the bathroom sparkling, the kitchen sink shiny and empty, and the table cloth hanging evenly off all 4 sides of the table, I can relax.  I don't relax very often.  I need to change that.

At first I thought maybe I could just pray to win the lottery and then I could contract out for a cleaning service - riiiiight.  Reality check.

Next I thought maybe I could train my children to become super-cleaners.  Uh-huh.

Then I fantasized about just throwing out almost everything, giving our home a sanitized, hotel room-esque feeling.....equally unrealistic.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps what I needed to do was to create some more realistic expectations as far as what "clean" means and how to achieve an acceptable (not unrealistic) level of clean without turning into "grumpy mommy."  "Grumpy Mommy" is what my kids call me when I am harping on them to "tidy up a bit."  (An euphemism for "dramatically altar the messy state of the house.")  Apparently "Grumpy Mommy" makes too many appearances.

I decided to begin my endeavor to come to some realistic, yet  relaxation conducive, expectations with some soul searching.  Why is it so important to me to have my house resemble an operating room?  Is is truly necessary to mine or anyone else's well-being that when one walks into my home they feel like they need to scrub up first?   I mean I love it when I go visit a friend, or to my parents home (I still have younger siblings in grade school), or really any home, and it looks lived in.  Meaning, not like Mary-Poppins-on-Speed just flew in and worked her magic.  In other words not like mine would look if I was having company.  Why is it I can completely relax in someone else's house when it is NOT freakishly clean, yet, I can't do that in my own home.  Why is it that I'd prefer to be in the other person's house? Surely that's not healthy!

I think the answer lies in my secret insecurity: if my house is not perfect, maybe other people will think I am not a good mom.  Shallow, perhaps. but that is at the crux of it.  I have four children here on earth,  two I can't wait to meet in Heaven, and have therefore been pregnant 6 times.  Each pregnancy brings more and more unasked-for "advice."  Namely, "You should stop.  You have too many children, how can you possibly keep up?"  and "You're going to burn out with all those kids."  and my favorite, "the more children you have, the less likely you are to be a good mom to all of them."

After hearing these types of comments over and over again, perhaps I feel the need to prove them all wrong.  Maybe I am afraid that if someone catches me with a messy house, then I have some how failed - just as predicted by the big-mouthed, but well-meaning naysayers.  So I exhaust myself fighting a losing battle, more like June Cleaver on crack, desperately trying to "prove" I am a good mother by keeping my house as taintless and undefiled as is humanly impossible.  In doing so I actually end up more stressed out and much more of a "grumpy mommy."

Now, of course there is a rational part of me that knows better than to listen to ill-timed, and inaccurate advice.  But I suppose there is a little part of me that internalizes it, and is afraid.  This is the part of me that I need to get rid of.  Its time to be realistic, and not afraid of what others may think!

This epiphany of thought led me to thinking that perhaps I am not the only one who may feel like this.  Perhaps there are scores of other mothers out there who feel like they are constantly fighting an uphill - losing battle with their homes.  Sadly, our kids become the casualties.  Just because I am insecure because of my fear of being a failure, doesn't mean I have to make it a self fulfilling prophecy.  So I am blogging about my once secret neuroses - admitting my insecurity, and hoping that if one of you Mommies out there has similar thoughts, my soul searching might be of some assistance as you too struggle to come to terms with what is "too clean," and what is not "too clean."

In order to regain some sanity and still be able to relax in my own home, I needed to come to some internal understandings.  First, I needed to really grasp the truth that I have 4 small children underfoot.  This means that more often than not, my house is going to be in upheaval.  I don't know who said it first but its true that "trying to keep a house clean while raising small children is like trying to shovel snow in the middle of a blizzard." But I realize that this doesn't mean I can just let everything go either.  I have to somehow strike a balance between realistic, and unrealistic - too clean, and not too clean.  It also means it is my responsibility to instill in my little mess-makers a non-neurotic sense of cleanliness and orderliness.

The compromise is still in flux, but we have made good headway.  I have tried to structure the kids' days so that there are two designated "clean up times."  If they pick up their messes in a timely manner (before the 10 minute timer rings) they get a piece of fruit as a snack.  Clean up times are announced by the ringing of an alarm that has been pre-set.  This prevents "Grumpy Mommy" from rearing her ugly head.  I try to keep the timers set for the same times every day.  If we are having company we do a "big clean up."  This usually involves some sort of bribery.  I have named several different types of "clean ups."  There is the candy-clean -up, the sticker-clean-up, the stamp-clean-up, and the favorite - the whipped-cream-clean-up.  The names denote the reward associated with a successful clean up attempt.  After cleaning up each room the kids are rewarded by receiving a sticker, stamp, small piece of candy, or a squirt of whipped cream in their mouths.  I save these for times when the house has gotten completely out of hand (like after I spent 3 days in bed with the flu and poor Daddy had to hold down the fort!  or when I was away for a weekend giving a pro-life talk) or for when we are having company that has either a) never been to our house before (b) been to our house, but not for a long time (long time meaning at least 3 months) or (c) is a member of the clergy (because a priest acts in the Person of Christ, the Head, here on earth.).    The most important part of this compromise is the context in which I approach the cleaning, and how I explain it to my children.

Why do we clean up?  Instead of my neurotic "I must clean so I can prove I'm a good mother" paradigm, I have tried to embrace, and impart to my kids the idea that cleaning is a way in which we respect the things we have, and the house we have.  'Keeping the house clean is a way we can show we are thankful.  It is a way we show respect to each other and to God, to Whom we are thankful for all He has given us. If we don't "take care of" our things, we must not really care about them, and we should give them to children who would be more thankful for them.  "Taking care of our things" includes putting them where they belong when we are done with them.  If we don't put them away and leave them out or on the floor, they could get broken or lost. '  Amazingly, the more I explained this to my kids, the more I began to subscribe to it as well!  What a more balanced understanding of cleanliness!

As for guests, I explained to my intrepid cleaners hoping for whipped cream, that we want people to feel welcome when they come to visit.  If the house is super messy, they may not feel like we want them to visit us.  It may be embarrassing to them to come into our home with it really unclean.  Instead, we want guests to feel like we prepared for them - that we were willing to sacrifice a little and do a little extra cleaning because we are happy to have them come to our home.  I continued to explain that just as we get our hearts "cleaned up" for Jesus, so He feels welcome in our hearts, we get our house clean to make our neighbors feel welcome - because we should try to see Jesus in everyone's heart - and so when we welcome our neighbors, we are also welcoming Christ.  The first time I explained this I was a little skeptical.  I was still fighting my insecure, paranoid, neurosis and although I knew what I was saying was true and right, I didn't feel it, and I was afraid my kids would be indifferent.  Boy was I ecstatic when my kids immediately warmed to the idea that we should welcome each person into our home as though he or she were Christ.  Recognizing the "Jesus in everyone's heart" was something my kids took immediate liking too.  That day they did their best "clean up" ever  - and were rewarded with an extra squirt of whipped cream.  (I couldn't help myself - they were so excited to "see Jesus" in everyone and to show Him that He was welcome that I was beside myself with pride in their innocent mastery of a crucial part of being a Christian that I just heaped on the whipped cream!)

Happily for me, going through this explanation  a few times helped me to internalize it too.  It shifted my paradigm.  Cleaning my house shouldn't be for me.  My insecurity or need to prove myself is not the correct motivation for house cleaning.  Taking care of what we have, being thankful, and making others feel welcome, while seeing Christ in them - those are much healthier reasons to clean house.  And if my house doesn't look like a sterile hospital ward?  If our guests come and things aren't how I would have liked?  If the clean up alarm rings but its more important for me to pay attention to one of my kids, or meet a need that one of them has, it doesn't mean that I am not a good mother.  It doesn't mean that I failed.  It means that I did my best, but I have little children who need a non-Grumpy Mommy more than they need June Cleaver on crack.   It means that I have done what is most important for my kids - tried to give them a healthy understanding of cleanliness, and showed them that sometimes its OK not "too clean."