I realize that many of you didn't even know I was expecting again as we kept it quiet and were only just starting to tell people.
It was another traumatic experience however I have so much peace. I want to, in a special way, thank St. Philomena for her intercession and I know she was close by me during this time.
On Monday, June 10, 2013, I started to think things weren't right with the baby (though I had a nagging intuition for a while before that). I went to the ER after experiencing some troubling cramps and asked my husband to prepare the kids just in case. At the ER it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat or movement and that the baby had not developed much beyond 10 weeks. ( I was technically 12 weeks on Monday). I explained the situation to the ER doc and my past history. He was the SAME ONE who gave me such a hard time when we lost Claire. I prayed for him. He was much mellower this time and didn't make any comments that were hurtful. Thank you, God.
The whole time I kept praying "I trust You. I Trust You." and I asked Jesus to allow me to surrender to suffering that He may send. St Philomena's intercession was very evident as she made it clear several weeks ago that she would like to be a special player in my family's journey towards Holiness. (I have had a devotion to her since I was in High School). Unfortunately the doctors figured they knew better than I did so they sent me home. I knew from past experience I had at least 12 hours before things would get more dicey so I went home at 1am. The next morning I was up by 6am and calling my OB. He had off that day and I was instructed by the staff to wait until Wednesday morning for a D & C. I calmly explained that I had no reason to believe my body would wait that long. (And honestly, a D & C, while safer for my condition, is not ideal as I prefer to baptize and anoint my children.) I was told by an irate nurse to "just go back to the ER then." I abandoned the situation to God, praying over and over "Jesus I surrender to You completely, take care of everything" and I headed back to the ER. My dear friend, you know her as "Doula-Bestie-Extraordinaire", who was with me for all the trauma with Lolek's loss (she was literally measuring cups of blood as I hemorrhaged) met me at the ER. By now I felt as though I was in early labor in earnest.
Thankfully after about 2 hours in the waiting room a Tech-Assistant whom I had befriended last time I was in the ER (a few weeks ago for a suspected DVT - it was not! ) recognized me. He came out to see why I was there. I explained the situation. He disappeared and 5 minutes later returned with a wheelchair. "You shouldn't be out here" he said and he told me he found me a room with the "really good doctor who listens." What a blessing!!! He was right too. She (the doctor) is the first who has EVER listened and grasped my situation. After explaining everything to her she responded by saying, "There is no way I can send you home." I was so relieved I thanked her for understanding and for listening to me and burst into tears.
She arranged with the OB on call to find me a room for observation to stay in until the scheduled surgery, should I somehow make it that long. I waited for 13 hours (DBE and I managed to find creative ways to entertain ourselves!) in the ER before a room on the pre-surgical unit was secured. They gave me morphine which slowed the progression of labor. I was of course not allowed to eat but I snuck some water. At 9pm I was moved to the pre-surgical unit for "observation." I explained to the nurse what to expect and let her know that I was progressing more rapidly and doubted I'd make it to the morning. She looked slightly concerned as she wasn't an L & D nurse and had limited mother/baby experience. By 1am I was extremely uncomfortable. I decided worrying was useless and once again abandoned the situation to God. I was prepared to deliver my baby, I had all my baptismal supplies and a small box for her body. But if God so chose, I was ready for the D & C and would be at peace with it. I Trusted His Providence. I was able to sleep for half an hour. Then my water broke and I knew what was to come.
I will spare you the gory details. Lets just say, I delivered Sarah's tiny perfect body. Baptized and anointed her. Kissed her and held her. Then carefully, Doula-Bestie placed her in the little box. Being the amazing Doula and friend that she is, she had spent the night with me. She donned gloves and prepared for the worst, which very shortly followed. I talked the shell shocked nurse through what to do. (how many chux pads to get, what to expect, how I needed to be upright, that I would need a bag of fluid to help my BP and heart rate as I was already mildly tachycardic... I hemorrhaged badly, as I expected. I of course retained the placenta. After a very short amount of time the nurse and the tech realized I wasn't exaggerating about what I told them to expect and how bad it would get quickly. They had to call the OB on call 3 times before they convinced him I didn't need to be "observed" and that I would in fact bleed to death unless he came in for an emergency D & C. So after an hour I was finally brought down to the OR for the procedure.
I am glad to say I retained my sense of humor through it all, and managed to make the nervous nurse and
tech laugh. The nurse thanked me for "teaching her so much" and explained that she had no experience with "mother-baby" emergencies as she mostly dealt with patients who were there for bariatric surgery or occasionally a heart procedure. Rarely did she get "real emergencies" like me. I of course mashed on my uterus the entire time, knowing it would at least help with the clotting and hemorrhaging, and remembering that it also helps me to not pass out. I am infinitely thankful for "DBE" who was helping with everything and helped to explain to the nurses what my situation was - as she witnessed it all first hand and close up the last time. (But this time she could at least wear gloves and didn't have to call 9-1-1, I was already in the hospital!)
Eventually I was prepped and the anesthesiologist satisfied. The OB showed up, I explained I had retained the placenta and would continue to hemorrhage. I reminded them that I could not have Pitocin as it increased blood clot risk and asked to be given lovenox or heparin immediately following the surgery to prevent another PE. They agreed.
What happened next was quite a remarkable and blessed experience for me.
All day I had been praying the Stations of the cross. I love them. I was wheeled into the OR but not put under immediately. Instead, for some reason they prepped me while I was awake. I was laid on the operating table, my arms were stretched out to either side and strapped down. I was strapped to the table. My legs were stretched out in front of me. I was unable to mash my uterus and felt myself bleeding even more uncontrollably. I was in so much physical pain. And then they removed my gown to put on all the monitors. I lay there, in the shape of a cross, bleeding, naked, and in pain. I was so moved all I could pray was "Thank you." Finally they brought the anesthesia over and I was put to sleep. Is it possible to be facing ones mortality (yet again!) and yet feel privileged? Because in that moment, as crazy as it sounds, that is what I felt.
When it was all over I was given my lovenox, it was confirmed I had retained the placenta. I was eventually brought back upstairs. I slept a little and woke up to call the Funeral Home. I was able to sleep holding Sarah's box. I made sure to keep her body moist. The wonderful Funeral director came to take her body and I spoke with him for a while. He has managed all our babies' burial services and is so kind and compassionate. I cried healthy, sad tears of finality as I handed her to him and he and his wife left my room.
I am now home recovering. I am more sore and in more pain now, as I am experiencing the effects of the surgery - they seem to have positioned my legs badly and I have torn and pulled muscled in my thighs and bruises on my arms where they strapped me too tight. I have shortness of breathe upon walking even a few steps, and dizziness which will wane as I build back my blood supply. After having not eaten for 36 hours I am gaining my appetite back. I am very pleased to say it has been 48 hours post hemorrhage and I have not thrown a clot. I thank God and St Philomena for her intercession!
I feel as though I should be falling apart. But I am not. I recognize that I miss my baby and have moments of healthy grief over my loss. But early on in the pregnancy it occurred to me that I should not pray for her to be allowed to be born full term and alive, especially if that is not what God had planned for her. Who am I to deny any of my children Heaven?! So instead I prayed that God's Will be accomplished and that I be given the Grace to accept it, whatever it would be. I believe He answered those prayers tenfold.
I can see His Hand at work in all the circumstances surrounding Sarah's delivery and death, and in the way I was allowed to suffer, without the fear I thought I would face.
I am human, and find myself battling fear of another Pulmonary Embolism every so often, and dealing with some hormone-induced anxiety whenever I get short of breathe, but that is nothing compared to what I think many people expect me to me experiencing. (and after my PE I have found that a level of anxiety associated with symptoms and past experiences is normal. So I can recognize it for what it is and move on).
I can only attribute it to God's goodness and His Mercy and to St Philomena's help and I praise God for His goodness.
Some links you may find of interest after reading this story:
